alcoholic parent essay

• Skip to primary navigation
• Skip to main content
• Skip to primary sidebar
• Skip to footer

My story: Growing up with an alcoholic parent

By Jody Lamb 71 Comments

Growing up with an alcoholic parent

I was one of billions of kids who grew up with an alcoholic parent.

My mother and father were extraordinarily kind-hearted, compassionate people. But my mother, who had a traumatic childhood, was an alcoholic before I was born. I love my mother deeply. She is a wonderful person. Every day, I wish I could do something to take away the hundreds of pounds of sadness she carries every day. But the effects of her alcoholism affected my sister and me terribly.

I was born in 1982 and grew up in Dearborn, Michigan. The first 10 years or so of my life, I don’t remember my father being home very much. He worked in the evenings, mostly, and this left me with my mom as the primary parent.

My mother drank at night and into the early morning hours several times a week.

Around that same age, I remember apple juice being my favorite drink. One day, I asked my mom why her apple juice always had foam on top of it. It took a few years after that to make the connection between my mom’s dramatic mood changes and her consuming the foamy apple juice. After a while, she drank directly from beer cans. She hid these cans and bottles all over the house.

By 8 or 9 years old, I regularly went looking through the closets and cabinets and poured out the beer and returned the empty cans and bottles to their spots. I also often organized the cabinets and closets because it made me feel there was kind of order to the house, even though my mom’s behavior made everything unpredictable, chaotic and messy.

I went to a small Catholic school about a 15-minute drive away from our house. We lived too far from the busing system limits so my mom had to drive me every morning. Sometimes – quite often, actually – she wouldn’t get out of bed. I got up myself, made my own breakfast, got ready and prayed she’d get out of bed. Sometimes, I’d have to plead and beg her to get out of bed for 20 minutes. By the time I made it to school, I’d be crying. I’d make it to the school as the last bell rang or minutes too late. I felt ashamed about my tardiness and hated the attention on me as I entered the classroom after my classmates were already seated. I’d be stressed, exhausted and nauseous before the day even began. The teachers at the school had zero clue. In fact, I was probably the last student they’d suspect to be dealing with an alcoholic parent at home. I was always super well behaved and got good grades. In the fifth grade, my teacher said, “Jody, you are so lucky to have a perfect mother.”

My mother was a good mother…when she wasn’t drinking.

I knew my mother’s behavior due to drinking wasn’t good. I knew her health was at risk and I knew the way she screamed at me and my dad and stumbled around wasn’t good. But like most kids of alcoholics, I was used to it and as a mini adult, I was really good at hiding any evidence of trouble at home. I saw my cousins often but besides that, we lived a very isolated life. When family and people at school saw us, everything seemed fine. My mother and father’s family knew she drank but I don’t think they really had any idea that it kept me up at night, that I was neglected in so many ways, that I went to school without enough sleep and that I was constantly – and I mean constantly – worried. I worried her cigarettes would burn the house down because she dropped burning cigarettes on the couch, the car, everywhere and she left stuff cooking on the stove and passed out and didn’t even wake up to the smoke detectors going off. Worse, I was perpetually confused by my mother’s behavior. One minute she was showering me with compliments, the next minute she was screaming, swearing and throwing things at me. I felt I couldn’t do anything right and that I was never good enough. Now, I knew my mother loved me but on some level, I felt I caused her drinking.

In every way, it was the family secret. To some degree, I don’t think my dad even knew in those early years, how much my mother’s drinking affected me but we had conversations about it. He called it a Jekyll and Hyde situation. If you met my mother, you’d only see an extremely sweet and kind person. This is the person she truly is. However, when she drinks, she becomes an entirely different person – completely unrecognizable. She transforms into a loud, angry, aggressive, violent, abusive and destructive person. My mother would scream at the top of her lungs about ridiculous things or things that had nothing to do with me or my dad. She’d throw things across the room. She’d hit my father. She’d take off for hours or a day. I’d fear she was dead. She’d drive drunk. I’d fear that she’d kill someone. And most memorable, she’d say the cruelest, hurtful things. As a young person, it was impossible to separate those mean words from the kind words she spoke when sober. The hurtful words were far more impactful. She doesn’t mean what she says when she’s drunk, my dad would explain. But that didn’t matter. The words echoed in my mind and scarred me.

Usually, my mom woke up the next day, all sweet acting, as if nothing happened. Sometimes it was easier to pretend the drunken behavior didn’t happen. Other times, I was so hurt and angry such as when she’d disappear for hours, I couldn’t even speak to her. Many times, she didn’t even remember what happened and definitely didn’t remember the things she said. Average days were nightmares. I also have horrible memories of ruined holidays and family weddings. I have zero good birthday memories.

But I was really, really good at covering up the messes – figuratively and literally. I tried to be a perfect kid. On some level, I think I thought my mom drank because of me and maybe if I could just be better, she wouldn’t have any reason to drink. Or, that if she really loved me, that would be enough to make her stop drinking. Through tears, I begged and pleaded that she stop drinking. She probably promised that she’d never drink again about 1,000 times throughout my childhood. I also wrote lengthy, heartfelt letters and slipped them under her bedroom door. She’d throw them away without a response.

I was sure that I could “fix” her if only I tried a little harder.

But she didn’t get better. She got worse. My late father, wonderful man he was, was totally trapped by codependency and paralyzed with fear that Mom would die if they divorced or some other action was taken. In fact, he told this to my sister and me on several occasions. He just always acted like it would get better on its own. He didn’t see clearly that my mother’s alcoholism was destroying all of our lives and that allowing life to go on the way it was actually enabling my mother’s alcoholism to go on and worsen. My dear father was a talented athlete and coach who had a positive impact on thousands of lives throughout his life. But he was made ill by alcoholism in our house. He simply tried to be the best dad and husband he knew how to be. But not a day goes by that I don’t wish he would have gone to Al-Anon meetings, gotten educated about what the hell was going on with his wife and taken action that would have pushed Mom to hit rock bottom and perhaps then, at the prospect of losing her life, finally get help. Maybe my father would be alive today if he had.

It was a lonely childhood. I always wanted brothers and sisters. My mom had a few miscarriages. Every time she lost a baby, I cried.  I wanted a sibling to experience life with; I may have hoped another child would give Mom purpose and happiness in the way I could not.

I was 14 when my sister, Brooke, was born.

Though I was a bit old to care about having a sibling at that point, I felt blessed to have her in my life. Complications during delivery almost killed Mom and Brooke.

I was the first person to hold Brooke, which I always think completely foreshadowed my role in her life.

Uh, hold the comments on 14-year-old me’s style…

My sister’s arrival did not snap Mom out of her drinking problem, though she drank less in my sister’s toddler years than she had before the pregnancy. Still, I could never have friends over to visit at the house. I have horrible memories from high school when friends dropped by unannounced and my mother’s drunken, aggressive and abusive behavior humiliated me. Another dominant memory is when I invited my first serious boyfriend over to the house and begged my mom not to drink and she promised that she wouldn’t. Of course, she got drunk and the evening ended with me humiliated and fighting back tears and a very uncomfortable boyfriend who departed early.

In those teen years, I was completely obsessed with my mom’s drinking.

Every day, I searched the house for her hidden bottles and cans and poured them out – which of course, only completely perpetuated the problem because she just then went out to the store and bought replacement supplies. I could determine, with spot-on accuracy, how many beers she’d consumed just by looking at her face or hearing her speak one or words. I could also predict if she planned on drinking that night or not. If she had supplies, she’d act happy, even giddy, that day. I’d get instantly sick to my stomach. If she couldn’t drink for some reason, she’d be terribly irritable – snapping at me over trivial matters, even becoming as evil tongued as she did while drunk.

During those teen years, I grew closer with my father. He was super supportive and encouraging about my cross-country and track running and involvement in school extracurricular activities. I began to understand him better. In the process, I began to resent my mother for what I perceived as a conscious decision not to get better. I believed she didn’t care enough about her family to get help. I was angry at her but I went off to college with a pit in my stomach. I worried about the well-being of my sister, though my dad assured me things would be OK and insisted that I would regret not focusing on myself for once.

After years of being the perfect, rule-following kid, I went a bit wild and did the common party thing in college. I liked the way alcohol erased my insecurities. By my second year, I recognized my relationship with alcohol was mirroring that of my mom and alcohol. I started feeling like I needed to drink in order to go to social events where I didn’t know many people. I felt I wasn’t drinking socially anymore; I was totally emotionally dependent on alcohol for a sense of confidence. I felt I was standing atop a very slippery slope. After that year, I stopped drinking heavily and focused my efforts on my education and building a foundation for a career.

That’s when I discovered that things were not good for my sister. My dad was working at night a lot again. My sister was being neglected by our mother and endangered. Mom would lock herself in her room for two days, leaving Brooke to care for herself. I spent my senior year of college basically commuting back and forth from class and work to home. My sister needed me. That year, I even sometimes brought Brooke to stay for the weekend at my college apartment. When a Big 10 college apartment is safer for a seven-year-old girl than her home, the home is an extreme problem. My father’s family urged my father to take action to get me and my sister out of the situation. He recognized the worsening problems but he was so trapped by a mix of denial, codependency and laidback, everything-will-work-out personality that prevented him from believing he had the ability to make things better. He really believed that Mom was a hopeless cause and that if he left her, she’d die.

At 26, I was exhausted and depressed – like I didn’t want to go on anymore yet I felt I had to. There were so many people depending on me. That’s when I finally got educated about alcoholism and addiction and its impact on kids and families. I better understood my mother and her disease. I let go of a lot of expectations. I learned about the effects of growing up as a child of an alcoholic. I discovered that many things I felt – extreme anxiety, low self-confidence, problems trusting people, lack of satisfaction with anything – were directly tied to the destruction my mom’s alcoholism caused. I began taking better care of myself. I went to Al-Anon meetings . I met other adult children of alcoholics. I began reading and writing more often, as I’d done as a child. This prompted me to write a middle-grade novel for tweens that was published in 2012.

Because I was focused on taking better care of me, this helped the whole family.

Then in 2014, Dad died from a heart attack.

My first thought was: My dad is gone. My second thought: Oh my God, now I am 100% responsible for Mom.

My sister was 17 and ending her junior year of high school.

So I did what most first-born children of alcoholics would do: I assumed my dad’s role. I moved out of my place and back into my parents’ home. I promptly forgot everything I’d learned about co-dependency and self-care.

My mother, overwhelmed with intense grief, plummeted. Every day, for months, I feared I’d come home and find her lifeless body. Once again, I became obsessed with her drinking. She binged for days on end. Again, I was determined to “fix” her. At one point, I convinced her to see a psychologist and I sure it the turning point – the road to recovery. It wasn’t.

After three months of sleepless nights, my sister said she couldn’t bear to stay there and watch Mom slowly kill herself so we moved out. I sobbed the day we moved. It felt like I was abandoning a sick child.

But then as the weeks passed, I get healthier. My sister got healthier. Our minds cleared as time passed being away from the chaos and the abuse. I detached, slowly.

My departure from the environment and my father’s death forced Mom to be more of an adult than she ever had in her life. While her alcoholism is still destructive, my sister and I are much better today.

Update – July 2022: 

• Mom is doing better than I ever could have imagined!
• Brooke is a happy, healthy person and we’re very close.
• Life is great for me! I’m engaged to an extraordinary guy who makes me laugh and laughs at all my jokes.

I believe sharing these personal stories is tremendously powerful. If you are an ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic) or grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive situation, I hope you’re well on your healing journey, too. Glad you’re here.

Take good care of yourself.

Reader Interactions

December 15, 2020 at 4:17 pm

I love you so much.

April 15, 2021 at 8:34 pm

As a heavy drinker (1.5 bottle a day on average, down from 3 bottles five years ago) here some piece of advise from “the other side”, mostly for alcoholics.

1. It is not necessarily hopeless. First thing, the alcoholic must recognize he has a problem. I did, everyone knows me as an alcoholic, but I hope to stop for good.

2. Don’t lie to your wife or kids. I never did. I drink in the main room in my home so everyone knows when I drink, and how much. No hidden bottles either. It used to be every day, now it is every other day on average. Yet recently my wife told me to drink “secretly”, with no one seeing me drinking. I am complying most of the time, and it is not increasing my consumption. I still want to stop.

3. My wife regrets the time I was drinking every day because it was more predictable for her. Now I can go four days with no drink, but it makes her sad because she sees more the good side of me being sober and has more home. But the moment I resume, her hopes vanishes. Before she did not have any hope. Nevertheless I know 10 bottles a week is better than 20, and I can not go back to the worse times.

4. Find a few restaurants where you use to drink, and go there and don’t drink. That way, when you are ready to stop for good, you can go to these places without having a trigger. Otherwise, you can’t go anymore to any restaurant once sober for good, which could make you angry when recovered. Prepare yourself little by little for the day you will stop for good. It’s about changing bad habits, one at a time.

5. I thought some days I needed a bottle to be OK to get rid of the shakes. I discovered it was not wine but food I needed. Sure wine would cure the shakes, but so did eating food. Try and see if this trick works for you.

Good luck! Relapses are expected and not a failure as long as you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about seeing your grandchildren when they will be born. Stop drinking to make that happen before it is too late.

April 19, 2021 at 9:07 pm

Thank you for sharing your perspective. Best wishes to you and your family. It sounds like you are determined to create a system to stop for good and are on your way to making that happen. Wishing you hope and great success.

May 2, 2021 at 4:56 am

Thank you for this. I’m 32 and had my son when I was 15. I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my mum was addicted to crack and alcohol. She is no longer in the crack but she is still drinking everyday (unless she hasn’t got any money). I can relate to so much of what you said, especially knowing how many drinks she’s had even over the phone. I really appreciate you sharing your testimony. Yesterday I had to block my mums calls again as she became abusive because I wouldn’t go and see her with my son. I can hardly stand to be around her when she’s drunk. But she’s blaming me for the fact she doesn’t see me or her grandchild. It feels so terrible and brings me back to being a child again.

May 6, 2021 at 3:20 pm

Thank you for publishing your journey, my own father has issues with alcoholism and a lot of what you have written is very recognisable to me. It’s nice to know I was not alone with my feelings.

We can’t fix everybody only try and look after ourselves.

May 6, 2021 at 3:52 pm

Telling your story is courageous! I am so proud of you . I, too am an adult child, although much older than you. Growing up with “alcoholism” leaves many scars, but with the help of people like yourself , ACOA groups, Alanon and written information about the effects of Alcoholism , many lives can be changed and even saved. Many blessings to you and your sister. Nathalie

July 5, 2021 at 9:25 am

I read all of your story and it resonated with me. I grew up with an alcoholic mother too. It was a terribly sad upbringing and it still affects me to this day (I am 42). My mum and dad split up when i was 14 and mum found a new boyfriend who was was an alcoholic also and used to beat her up. So many ruined birthdays and chirstmas’s throughout all of my childhood. Eventually she moved to Spain and tried to murder her boyfriend in a drunken arguement. I had to fly out there and go to a Spanish prison, negotiate the Spanish law system, get a lawyer etc. She got two years in the end. Eventually she died at aged 63. What a waste. My father was pretty useless as well and is very cold emotionally. Luckily i found a wonderful woman whom I have been married to for 16 years and have a wonderful son so I am out of that life now but it has left deep scars. My sister has become a cocaine addict as well and I dont contact her anymore as she lies and steals. The only advice I can give anyone is to get away from it as soon as you can. You cannot help an alcoholic and they will drag you down with them. I speak from experience.

November 7, 2021 at 11:55 am

Jody, thank you for sharing your story, something just like this is happening now, and I’d love to get your advice if willing. My Sister-in-law, displays many of the traits here – always has a full glass of wine at night, rarely leaves the house, wakes up at noon, regularly not getting the kids to appointments. My niece and nephew are 9yo (boy) and 10yo (girl), and live a very isolated life and don’t have many friends. My niece’s 10 year birthday was only family and no friends from school. My brother works all the time, but his life outside work is his children… so he does make up for a lot of misses of my sister-in-law (but demands on him are higher than i’ve ever seen in someone)

I’ve tried to help, for about a year going over there every night to help with kids, but I also noticed her drinking got worse… like i was there helping, so she could take less responsibilities and drink more… and for that year I was thinking – just keep blinders on, Robert, keep a good relationship with her so you can keep coming over… I kept telling myself these are the crucial development years for them and you’ve got to be like water and work with the constraints we have.

My sister in law is honestly one of the most fun people to be around – she’s so funny, and off the cuff with responses, and engaging in conversation. Which makes it easier for her to mask these things to our family or at any social events she goes to. She rarely goes to a day function. It’s always night functions, and she’ll spend the whole day relaxing stress free waking up at noon, getting her hair done, getting to looking immaculate, and then when she shows up at the social event, it even makes me questions whether i’m right in my assumptions of her – she looks beautiful, healthy, she’s engaging with everyone, she’s laughing, she’s not too dunk, she’s self depreciating, focusing on the children in those little ways, etc. But after a while, you start to see the routine.

And overtime i’ve built resentment towards her, and it’s not healthy and that’s my own issue I have to work through… But i have made a decision to address the issue with my brother (although i haven’t yet and i’m getting as educated as much as I can).

I know their is most definitely an element of codependency with my brother and sister-in-law… and his worry for her, but also likely his worry for doing anything that might rock the boat and make things even more unpredictable than they are currently.

So, my question to you is… if you’d had an uncle like me, when you were growing up, who saw and understood what was happening – what would your older wiser self encourage/plead him to do? Because eventually this will be the situation my niece and nephew will be in… 30 years from now…asking me, “if you knew, Robert, why didn’t you xyz?”

Should I be hammering my brother to go to A-A events and get more information? What sort of urgency should I be acting with? they are 9 and 10 years old. Are there other people in the family I should be including in my knowledge of all this? What if my brother says it will work itself out or it’s just the way she is and I’ve found ways around it (brushes it off like your father)? Should it be my responsibility to escalate, etc? For starters, I want the best shot of getting my brother’s buy in. Also, if you have someone in your network that you think I should reach out to… please advise, I’m happy to pay someone a consultation fee, etc. I’ll continue to get more information and seek out resources, but any thoughts you might share would be greatly appreciated.

November 7, 2021 at 12:01 pm

Jody, I noticed the books you recommended in one of your comments. I’m going to start with one of those. Thanks and please let me know if you do have some other specific thoughts on my previous comment.

February 8, 2022 at 3:14 am

Omg I thought I was reading my own life story. Everything you wrote I have gone threw . I have ywo younger siblings that I took care of because are mom was always drunk..I was 14 when my dad died . My sister was 10 and my grother was 7yr old. When he passed it made it worst on all of us.so every word you care saying I have lived it.

September 17, 2022 at 7:17 am

You’re story is my story except I was the youngest in the family so I was mostly neglected and forgotten. My mother was the alcoholic and dad the enabler just like in your family. Fighting was constant. As soon as I could get out of that house I did and right into a marriage with an addicted man. It took me 12 years to realize I had a problem as an enabler. Today I have a new husband and a different life but the scars of all those years past still are with me. I have tons of anxiety issues. I see a therapist. I am trying to find out who I am after a lifetime of being a shell of a person. Thank you for your story. It helped me realize my story could be anyones story.

September 20, 2022 at 12:38 pm

Best wishes to you on your journey, Nicole. Some people never attempt to find healing; you’re well on your way!

August 21, 2023 at 2:49 pm

Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and powerful journey of growing up with an alcoholic parent. Your story reflects resilience, strength, and the transformative power of healing. Your courage in sharing this can provide solace and encouragement to others who have faced similar challenges.

November 20, 2023 at 9:14 am

Thank you for sharing your story. I relate to almost everything you wrote although the roles were reversed. The alcoholic dad and the co-dependent mother. I am 63 and still reeling in the pain of it all. I have gone through one failed marriage and my second marriage is on the verge of breaking apart. I am learning now of the impact of being an adult child of an alcoholic. It’s never too late, right? I am in search of the hope, joy and peace that can be achieved by facing these childhood nightmares. I am so thankful that the Lord led me to your website. I am thankful to have found this community. Peace to you all.

November 26, 2023 at 1:04 pm

It is definitely always the right time to heal, no matter your age. Best wishes to you on your healing journey!

December 5, 2023 at 2:52 am

Thank you. I feel inspired.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed .

JOIN MORE THAN 10,000+ MONTHLY READERS!

Get unstuck 🔆Overcome your adult child of an alcoholic traits 🔆Create the love you love

Get the free Jody Lamb weekly email for inspiration and resources! Learn more

popular recent posts

What to Know to Avoid Enabling Your Alcoholic Parent

Common Signs of a Dysfunctional Family

The Best Books About Codependency: Learn How to Overcome It

P.O. Box 996 Brighton, MI 48116 USA // Disclaimer  // Privacy  // About 

Privacy Overview

Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

How I Learned to Forgive My Father

When you grow up in a home with an alcoholic, you learn very quickly how to stay invisible.

I spent my younger years desperately avoiding my father. Fortunately, he worked a 9-5 job and he usually managed to make it to work. That meant safe stretches of the day when we didn’t see each other. But weeknights and weekends were anyone’s guess. As soon as my father reached for his first whisky highball, he morphed from a grumpy, depressed man into a volatile, abusive stranger.

My father was not a hitter—much. But when he was drinking, he was a slow-brewing mess of volatility, the muscles in his jaw tightening, his eyes narrowing, his voice getting louder and full of expletives. I would go to my room and hide. Sometimes this worked, but more often he would find me and frighten me with his threats, delivered with smelly breath and slurred speech.

Part of me realized something was wrong with him—but, as a child, I wasn’t sure what it was. I would see him sitting alone in the evenings playing solitaire for hours on end, nursing his highball and smoking cigarette after cigarette. While the rest of us went to church on Sunday mornings, my dad would stay behind, sleeping off a hangover. He would yell at the TV while watching football, and punish us severely if we shirked our chores. Though he had friends who would occasionally hang out with him and joke—especially if they too were drinkers—my mother was the social one who drew people to her. My dad scared them away.

When I became a teenager—and my sisters both went off to college—I faced the full brunt of his disease and depression alone. I was getting straight A’s in school—but I was chastised for being lazy. I had lots of friends—but they were rude or trouble, according to my dad. When I got a scholarship to go abroad the summer of my junior year, my dad assured me it would be a waste of time. Nothing I did was good enough.

Living with an alcoholic can make you feel on edge, as if you are living with a grenade that might go off at any moment. It can cause you to retreat, to avoid calling attention—even positive attention—to yourself. I felt deeply ashamed of my father. I also felt ashamed of myself, as if I were responsible for his abuse. I later learned this was a very normal response to living with someone who is an alcoholic. At the time, it tore at my self-confidence.

Eight Essentials for Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a long and often challenging process. These steps may help along the way.

You’d think that I would have learned to tune him out, and, to some extent, I tried. I looked for parental figures in other places—teachers, friends’ parents, my pastor at church. However, it’s nearly impossible not to look to your parents to reflect back who you are in the world. If they tell you there’s something wrong with you, you assume there is. I would often respond to his criticisms by working harder, desperately trying to please him or, maybe more truthfully, make him eat his words. This was a losing battle. No matter how well I did, he aimed his spotlight on all of my flaws.

Growing up, I found it very difficult to trust other people’s friendship or love for me. Later, when I started working, I’d cower in the face of criticism, worried that I’d been found out. I know that many people get that “impostor syndrome” when they stretch themselves at work and worry about their qualifications. But my experience of inadequacy infused everything I did. It made me scared to commit to anything, to make sure I had an escape planned, in case someone tried to humiliate me.

It wasn’t until I reached adulthood that I finally started to disentangle myself from my dad. I went to a counselor after having a mild nervous breakdown at college and I learned something about alcoholism. It helped me to understand my father’s disease and how it had affected him and, by extension, me. I was someone who felt I needed to be a people-pleaser, who feared making mistakes, who had trouble committing to people and plans. I felt uncomfortable standing out in any way, because I’d learned it wasn’t ever safe to be seen. But I also learned that I wasn’t alone in being this way. Many children of alcoholic parents adopt the same coping strategies.

Seeing a therapist helped me to take things into my own hands. I started to set limits with my father. If I came home for the holidays, I would stay for only a couple of days, then find a friend’s place—or even a nearby hotel—to stay. If he wanted to drive the family somewhere for a dinner out, I would drive myself, not wanting to be in the car with him post-drinking. If he got mad, I walked away. I might have cut off all communication, but I wanted to see my gentle, loving mother, and she was still living with him…despite my attempts to convince her to leave.

Greater Good Chronicles

Eventually, my father’s depression overwhelmed him, and his drinking escalated. After 42 years of marriage, he angrily divorced my mother, blaming her for his problems, spitefully cutting her from his will. It was an outcome that I’d always wanted. Even so, it took me by surprise. I’d always thought it would be my mother who would leave, not my dad. Still, their divorce allowed me to spend more time with my mother and avoid seeing my father. In fact, I saw very little of him after that. Until something shifted.

I had moved from Santa Barbara to Berkeley in 1990, eventually meeting my husband and settling down. It was probably when we had our first child that I began to have a little empathy for my father. I realized how hard it could be to find yourself reducing your own dreams and ambitions in order to raise your kids. This happened to me, and it caused some inner and outer conflicts in my life. Facing my own need to adapt to these changes made me a little more open to thinking about my dad’s story and how much he’d had to give up to raise us.

I knew that when my dad was a young man, he’d wanted to teach high school, but he ended up working in the insurance industry—a boring job, for him—to make a better living. I also knew my parents had had a difficult time conceiving children because of blood incompatibility and that their first child died shortly after birth. My dad had to care for my depressed mother and persevere through that tragedy in order to have my sisters and me. I also knew that he didn’t get along well with his own parents and that my grandmother was often harsh with him when we’d visit. These disappointments must have been hard to manage for someone like my dad, I realized, and that gave me insight into his struggles.

Still, I didn’t reach out to him much. I think I felt more sympathy than empathy for him at that point—he was a sorry person, but not someone I really cared for. Then, late one night, he called me out of the blue.

He was crying, which shocked me. I could tell he’d been drinking, and I wasn’t sure it was wise to talk. Still, I listened as he confessed that he’d figured out my mother wasn’t to blame for his depression, and he wished he could take back his request for a divorce. Instead of encouraging him on this fruitless path, I suggested he find a therapist. I was utterly surprised when he did.

The therapist helped my father understand his depression and encouraged him to stop drinking. This was not something he truly wanted to do. He especially didn’t want to go to AA meetings, where people talked about God—something he didn’t believe in. He went anyway and found some support to help him stop drinking. And, maybe more importantly, he began to learn about some of the costs of his alcoholism on his relationships with other people.

Some months after he’d told me he’d begun counseling, he called me at work to tell me that his therapist had given him a homework assignment involving me. I was sitting at a desk full of papers, preparing for an evening talk and not really in the mood to participate. But he pushed on, telling me that this therapist had assigned him to call up each of his daughters and ask us if we’d thought he loved us when we were children.

“So, did you think I loved you as a child?” he asked, as if reading from a standardized questionnaire. I had no idea my sisters had received similar calls.

“No, Dad, I didn’t,” I said. “Maybe I knew it on some intellectual plane, but I didn’t feel it.” That stopped the conversation cold. There were no follow-up questions, and he quickly made an excuse to get off the phone. But, surprisingly, I think this was the beginning of our true reconciliation. He needed to hear that truth, and I’d needed to say it.

He began to ask me to meet him for lunch occasionally. I obliged. He liked to meet me near my office at the Harbor Restaurant in San Rafael—a small, casual café on the water and, according to my dad, a “great place.” We would talk about our lives, my dad slowly learning how to ask questions and listen to my answers, rather than cutting me off with a snarky remark. He showed interest, keeping track of the stories I told of my kids, occasionally delivering a small present to me that I could give to them. He was trying—albeit one step forward, one step back—to be nice. To be loving.

This is when he started to tell me more stories about his life, too. He told me that when he was a child, he’d never felt love from either of his parents. He did poorly in school, probably because it was hard for him to sit still and concentrate, for which he was often punished. One time, when he was very young, he got hold of some matches and accidentally started a fire at his house. For that, his mother beat him severely.

As a teen, he wanted to go to work and probably would have dropped out of high school except for the encouragement of a teacher who helped him apply himself and get good grades. This allowed him to be offered a spot in officer’s training school after enlisting in the navy during World War II. Luckily, he saw little action before the end of the war, and his stint in the navy allowed him to go to Stanford and earn his M.A. in History. It was around that time that he met and married my mother, who came from his hometown. My grandmother tried to talk my mother out of marrying her son—a rebuke that stung.

Though this background explained a lot, the stories concerning moral stands my father took as a young man most changed my view of him. When he was a senior in high school, he protested loudly as the student-body president of his school—a Japanese-American boy—was carted away with his family to a detention center. Watching this grave injustice deeply affected him, and he went out of his way to make friends with our Japanese-American neighbors during my childhood in Richmond, sampling the octopus they served him for dinner and helping them organize cultural parties.

One time, when he was an officer on a boat at the end of the war and was told to sail his ship up the coast during a storm, he questioned his superior officer’s order and tried to delay moving the boat until it was safe to do so. This earned him a disciplinary rebuke. Another time, as a high school teacher in Taft, California, during the 50s, he’d given his students a lesson in race relations by assigning them to go downtown and report on the mistreatment of African Americans in the community. This civics lesson cost him his job, but he felt justified in opening up his students’ eyes.

These stories gave me insights into my father that I was never able to see through his disease. He’d had a hard life without the love of his parents, but he’d tried to do the right thing. He was disheartened by injustice, but he’d tried to make a difference. He wasn’t a perfect dad growing up, but he tried to make sure we were cared for, in his imperfect way. He had trouble expressing his love, but he’d had no good role models to follow.

When my mother died some years later, my father offered to help me sort through her things, taking them to Goodwill for me and carefully sending me the receipts. He volunteered to store my mother’s piano, which, though he didn’t want it, I couldn’t bear to give away. He attended the memorial and listened with moist eyes to my tribute to her. Months later, when I still felt the grief hot in my heart, he held me while I cried. I think it must have happened for him then—when he saw my pain at losing my mother—that he decided he would try to make his own death less painful for me. He bought a plan from the Neptune Society, which would ensure that someone would come for his body and cremate him when his time came. He wrote up explicit instructions, taking the decision out of my hands. He made sure all of his papers were in order and went over his will with me several times.

I remember he asked me once if it would be OK if he had someone else bury him, someone besides his three daughters. He didn’t want people crying over his grave after he was gone. But I’d told him no. I needed that time to help me let go, to give my kids a chance to say goodbye, to process my grief. I cried as I told him this and saw rare tears in his eyes. So, he cut the funeral and the memorial, but gave me that time by his graveside. His gift to me.

Replacing Anger with Compassion

Loosen the grip of anger by changing the way we think about the person who hurt us.

It wasn’t easy to forgive the man who had so bruised my self-esteem—indeed, my entire sense of self. But, as I came to have more empathy for him, I began to naturally feel forgiveness . Being truthful about my pain and standing up for myself probably helped, too. And it was important to hear his stories and appreciate him for who he was, rather than simply focusing on all that was wrong with him. Though none of this erased his past abuse, it at least gave me some perspective. It allowed me to see that, late in his life, my father had tried to show me he cared. 

When my father eventually died, my sisters and I cleaned out his house. I found a note he must have written a few days before he died. It was a list of things to do, written on the back of an envelope in his nearly illegible scrawl. I knew the day he wrote it, because it was by his bed with the date at the top, as if he needed to write the date down to remember it. The list included reminders to take his pills, to call his doctor, and other mundane activities. At the bottom of his list were the words: “Call Jill. Tell her not to worry.”

About the Author

Jill Suttie

Jill Suttie, Psy.D. , is Greater Good ’s former book review editor and now serves as a staff writer and contributing editor for the magazine. She received her doctorate of psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and was a psychologist in private practice before coming to Greater Good .

You May Also Enjoy

Is Vengeance Better for Victims than Forgiveness?

What is Forgiveness?

Why Evolution Made Forgiveness Difficult

Forgive for You

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

Forgiveness Requires Gratitude

• Bipolar Disorder
• Therapy Center
• When To See a Therapist
• Types of Therapy
• Best Online Therapy
• Best Couples Therapy
• Managing Stress
• Sleep and Dreaming
• Understanding Emotions
• Self-Improvement
• Healthy Relationships
• Student Resources
• Personality Types
• Sweepstakes
• Guided Meditations
• Verywell Mind Insights
• 2024 Verywell Mind 25
• Mental Health in the Classroom
• Editorial Process
• Meet Our Review Board
• Crisis Support

How Children Are Affected By Parents With Alcohol Use Disorder

Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin 

Unclear Sense of Normalcy

Trust issues, self-judgement, interpersonal effects, behavioral effects, alcohol use, internal and external behavior issues, poor academic performance.

• How to Cope

Alcoholic parents (now referred to as parents with alcohol use disorder or AUD) affect their children in many ways, some so profound that the kids never outgrow them. Here's a look at the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and behavioral effects of being raised by parents who are struggling with alcohol use.

Children whose parents use alcohol may not have had a good example to follow from their childhood, and may never have experienced traditional or harmonious family relationships. So adult children of parents with AUD may have to guess at what it means to be "normal."

Because alcohol use is normalized in families with alcoholism, children can often struggle to distinguish between good role models and bad ones. As a result, many will end up feeling conflicted, confused, and self-conscious when they realize that drinking is not considered normal in other families.

After growing up in an atmosphere where denial, lying, and keeping secrets may have been the norm, adult children can develop  serious trust problems . Broken promises of the past tell them that trusting someone will backfire on them in the future.

As a result of trust issues or the lack of self-esteem, adult children of parents with AUD often struggle with romantic relationships or avoid getting close to others.

If a child's parent was mean or abusive when they were drunk, adult children can grow up with a fear of all angry people . They may spend their lives avoiding conflict or confrontation of any kind, worrying that it could turn violent.

Some adult children of parents with AUD take themselves very seriously, finding it extremely difficult to give themselves a break. If they had a tumultuous upbringing, they may have little self-worth and low self-esteem and can develop deep feelings of inadequacy.

Children of a parent with AUD may find themselves thinking they are different from other people and therefore not good enough. Consequently, they may avoid social situations, have difficulty making friends, and isolate themselves.

Press Play for Advice On Building Confidence

This episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to build your confidence and self-esteem. Click below to listen now.

Follow Now : Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts / Amazon Music

Growing up with a parent who has an alcohol use disorder can change how an adult child interacts with others. It can cause problems in their relationships with friends, family members, and romantic partners.

In addition to judging themselves too harshly, some adult children of people with AUD constantly seek approval from others. They can become people-pleasers who are crushed if someone is not happy with them and live in fear of any kind of criticism.

Perhaps to avoid criticism or the anger of their parent with AUD, many children tend to become super-responsible or perfectionistic overachievers or workaholics. On the other hand, people often go in the opposite direction, mirroring the same bad behaviors they witnessed during childhood.

The adult child of an emotionally or physically unavailable parent can develop a debilitating  fear of abandonment and hold on to toxic relationships because they fear being alone.

Although evidence is conflicting, some behavioral changes appear to occur in children, adolescents, and adults who had a parent with AUD. Although the roles of genetics and childhood experiences are intertwined, these children may be more susceptible to substance use and other issues.

Some studies have shown that children of parents with AUD are more likely to misuse alcohol themselves in adolescence or adulthood. They may begin drinking alcohol at a younger age than other people and progress quickly to a problematic level of consumption. When both parents have AUD, teens may be at still higher risk.

Children of parents who misuse alcohol are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and unexplained physical symptoms (internalizing behaviors). They are also more likely to display rule-breaking, aggressiveness, and impulsivity (externalizing behaviors) in childhood.

In a study of more than 25,000 adults, those who had a parent with AUD remembered their childhoods as "difficult" and said they struggled with "bad memories" of their parent's alcohol misuse. Some people experience this as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), like other people who had different traumatic childhood experiences.

Parents' use of alcohol and teens' lower performance in school have shown an association in research. This could be related in part to the behavior issues among children of parents with an AUD. It could also be complicated by other family circumstances.

How to Cope When Your Parent Misuses Alcohol

If you're the child of a parent who has or had an alcohol use disorder or other substance use problems, seek out support , especially if you suspect it's causing issues for you. Therapists and other mental health professionals with experience dealing with addiction can help.

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact the  Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline  at  1-800-662-4357  for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

For more mental health resources, see our  National Helpline Database .

Keep in Mind

Research suggests that about one in 10 children lives with a parent who has an alcohol use disorder, and about one in 5 adults lived with a person who used alcohol when they were growing up. Parents with an AUD may have difficulty providing children with a safe, loving environment, which can lead to long-term emotional and behavioral consequences. If your family is affected by alcohol use, it is important to seek help.

Haugland SH, Carvalho B, Stea TH, Strandheim A, Vederhus JK. Associations between parental alcohol problems in childhood and adversities during childhood and later adulthood: A cross-sectional study of 28047 adults from the general population . Subst Abuse Treat Prev Policy . 2021;16(1):47. doi:10.1186/s13011-021-00384-9

Eiden RD, Molnar DS, Colder C, Edwards EP, Leonard KE. A conceptual model predicting internalizing problems in middle childhood among children of alcoholic and nonalcoholic fathers: The role of marital aggression . J Stud Alcohol Drugs. 2009;70(5):741-50. doi:10.15288/jsad.2009.70.741

Park S, Schepp KG. A systematic review of research on children of alcoholics: Their inherent resilience and vulnerability . J Child Fam Stud. 2015;24(5):1222-1231. doi:10.1007/s10826-014-9930-7

UC Santa Cruz Counseling and Psychological Services. Adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) .

Eiden RD, Godleski SA, Colder CR, Livingston JA, Leising MC, Leonard KE. Early childhood risk and protective factors predicting resilience against adolescent substance use . Adv Res Sci. 2020;1(2):107-119. doi:10.1007/s42844-020-00007-5

Wong MM, Brower KJ, Conroy DA, Lachance KA, Craun EA. Sleep characteristics and behavioral problems among children of alcoholics and controls . Alcohol Clin Exp Res . 2018;42(3):603-612. doi:10.1111/acer.13585

Berg L, Bäck K, Vinnerljung B, Hjern A. Parental alcohol‐related disorders and school performance in 16‐year‐olds—a Swedish national cohort study . Addiction . 2016;111(10):1795-1803. doi:10.1111/add.13454

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).  Children living with parents who have a substance use disorder .

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Alcohol use in families .

Ip KI, Jester JM, Puttler LI, Zucker RA. Alcoholic family marital heterogeneity aggregates different child behavior problems both pre- and postseparation . Dev Psychopathol . 2019;31(02):771-788. doi:10.1017/S0954579418000561

Lund IO, Moen Eilertsen E, Gjerde LC, et al. Maternal drinking and child emotional and behavior problems . Pediatrics . 2020;145(3):e20192007. doi:10.1542/peds.2019-2007

By Buddy T Buddy T is a writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Because he is a member of a support group that stresses the importance of anonymity at the public level, he does not use his photograph or his real name on this website.

Healing from Living with Alcoholic Parents

by Shirley Davis | Oct 25, 2021 | Attachment Trauma , Substance Abuse | 2 comments

In the first three articles , we have discussed that growing up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional home changes the lives of the children involved forever. Alcoholism is a family disease that affects everyone and harms children.

In this article, we shall explore paths to healing and hope.

The Connection Between Alcoholism and Childhood Trauma

Drinking alcohol alone does not harm children. However, when drinking alcohol becomes an addiction, the behaviors, and circumstances of the adult and ultimately their children are changed for the worst.

The impact of growing up in a home with one or more alcoholics reverberates throughout an adult’s life. Research is clear that there is a link between growing up in a household with alcoholics and the potential for trauma to children.

There are many different forms of trauma experienced by children of alcoholic parents, including the following.

Chronic Trauma . While many alcoholics are not violent, some are, and this behavior affects children significantly. Chronic trauma can develop due to neglect, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, and domestic violence.

Complex Trauma . Often, children feel trapped and unable to escape from families caught up in the tragedy of alcoholism in their families. This sense of being trapped undermines a child’s sense of safety in the world and begins a lifetime of exhausting hypervigilance, where they constantly monitor their environment for possible threats.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs ). ACEs cover an extensive range of situations where children directly face lousy behavior by their parents while growing up. Alcoholism is one of these adverse childhood experiences, and it can disrupt the normal development of coping skills. Children growing up in an alcoholic home will experience in adulthood many adverse effects.

Some of The Symptoms of Being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA)

Being an adult child of an alcoholic leaves the person reeling and looking for answers. Sometimes ACOAs become alcoholics themselves or use other drugs to ease their pain, which is a remnant of growing up in an alcoholic home.

Some of the most common symptoms that adult children of alcoholics experience are as follows.

A Need for Control. Because their world was chaotic and out of control growing up, ACOAs tend to want to control and hyper-focus on controlling their behavior and those around them. As you might imagine, being a control freak can lead to problems with intimate relationships.

Hypervigilance. Often, people who grew up in an alcoholic home are hypervigilant and constantly alert for danger. Being aware of everything going on in the environment stems from the shame and pain experienced in childhood. While hypervigilance is a coping mechanism, it becomes a liability in adulthood when one is constantly waiting for someone to attack or something terrible to happen.

Difficulty Dealing with Emotions . Growing up in an alcoholic home meant the children learning to hide their emotions such as sadness, anger, and shame. Because of this stuffing of emotions in childhood, many ACOAs find they cannot express positive emotions.

Having Low Self-Esteem. Adult children of alcoholics often have a low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. ACOAs often feel very uncomfortable when receiving recognition or praise, even when these two things are precisely what they are seeking. Adult children of alcoholics can be sensitive to any type of perceived negative feedback or criticism, leaving them suspicious of anyone who offers them a critique of what they are doing.

Mental and Physical Health Problems. Trauma, such as growing up in an alcoholic home, can leave the adult child of an alcoholic in isolation and at higher risk for depression. Growing up in an alcoholic home can also lead to poor self-care routines leaving the person open for disease.

Healing from Parental Alcoholism

Just because a person grew up living under the effects of parental alcoholism does not mean they cannot thrive in adulthood. ACOAs can change their lives by beginning a new chapter in their life to experience hope, love, and joy.

The journey adult children of alcoholics have traveled until they begin healing may seem complicated and difficult, but healing is not only possible but is probable.

Children of alcoholic parents deserve and have the fundamental right to confront their past, speak honestly of its impact, and make a better future for themselves.

For instance, survivors of alcoholic homes need to find a safe place to talk about what they have experienced.

There are support groups, such as Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics, that exist to help people who have experienced the effects of living with an alcoholic through the use of a twelve-step program similar to that of Alcoholics Anonymous. Also, one must not forget that seeking out professional therapy from a counselor or therapist can help incredibly. In therapy, one might discover a great deal about oneself in overcoming the side-effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent.

Getting treatment for any addictions the adult child of an alcoholic has formed is vital to healing. To continue to abuse oneself only carries on the legacy of those who hurt you and gives them power over your life even if they are now deceased.

Identifying and questioning one’s beliefs about oneself is also critical to healing. As ACOAs begin to talk openly about what happened to them, they will discover they harbor beliefs based on what they experienced in childhood that has been internalized. Below is a shortlist of some of these false beliefs:

“My needs are not as important as those of other people.”

“I’m not enough.”

“Nothing ever changes.”

“I do not deserve to be happy.”

Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries is also critical to healing, as one can fight off anyone who would interfere with your healing. As an adult, ACOAs have the right to build boundaries and expect others to observe them, even the person’s parents.

Finally, healing involves practicing new life skills that were not formed while growing up in an alcoholic home. With the help of a counselor or therapist, anyone can learn how to live an adult life in an effective and fulfilling way. Some of the skills you can learn include:

• Saying no to other people without any guilt
• Making important decisions without doubting oneself
• Solving problems with mental clarity
• Asking for what you need and want
• Engaging with the world in a proactive way
• Standing up for oneself
• Regulating one’s emotions
• Finding humor in life’s challenges
• Understanding that life isn’t easy or fair for anyone, not just you

Learning life skills will help accomplish much as you learn to live without unreasonable fear or disappointment with yourself.

Thriving as a Mature Adult Who Grew Up in an Alcoholic Home

Your life today is entirely up to you. No matter where you have been or what has happened to you, your happiness depends solely on what you wish your life to be and not on anyone else’s opinion of what you should look like.

It is vital to remember that you are not alone. Many people, including celebrities such as Halle Berry, grew up in families affected by alcoholism. Indeed, a 2019 study revealed that one in five American adults has grown up with an alcoholic in their home. Millions of people experience long-term effects from living in an alcoholic home, including mood disorders like depression, anxiety, and the risk of substance abuse.

One cannot go back in time to change the behaviors of the people you grew up with. The only path towards healing involves seeking treatment and advocating for change.

Adult children of alcoholic parents are resilient, thriving in the wake of the conflict they experienced when they were children, and it is time that you utilize that resilience to change your life for the better and become a thriver.

“The journey is never-ending. There’s always gonna be growth, improvement, adversity; you just gotta take it all in and do what’s right, continue to grow, continue to live in the moment.” Antonio Brown

“If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person. It’s how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit.” William J. Clinton

CPTSD Foundation Awareness Wristbands

Official CPTSD Foundation wristbands to show the world you support awareness, research, and healing from complex trauma.

The official CPTSD Foundation wristbands were designed by our Executive Director, Athena Moberg, to promote healing and awareness benefits all survivors. We hope you’ll consider purchasing one for yourself and perhaps one for a family member, friend, or other safe people who could help raise awareness for complex trauma research and healing.

Each purchase of $12 helps fund our scholarship program, which provides access to our programs and resources to survivors in need.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/cptsd-awareness-wristband/

Do you like to color, paint, sew, arts & crafts? How about drawing, model building, or maybe cross stitch? Whatever creative activity you prefer, come, and join us in the Weekly Creative Group. Learn more at  https://cptsdfoundation.org/weeklycreativegroup

As always, if you or a loved one live in the despair and isolation that comes with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please, come to us for help. CPTSD Foundation offers a wide range of services, including:

• Daily Calls
• The Healing Book Club
• Support Groups
• The Trauma-Informed Newsletter
• Daily Encouragement Text

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

I find this article to be very insightful and compassionate – thanks for writing and posting it

Thank you for writing this!

Submit a Comment Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed .

Follow, Like, & Share!

CPTSD Post Categories

Certified 501(c)(3) Non-Profit Charitable Organization. The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research. dba, CPTSD Foundation.

© CPTSD Foundation 2018-Present – All Rights Reserved

Privacy Overview

Trauma Symptoms of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Recognizing the long-term effects of growing up with alcoholic parents..

Posted August 16, 2019 | Reviewed by Matt Huston

• What Is Alcoholism?
• Find a therapist to overcome addiction

When you grow up in a home with one or more alcoholic parents, the impact of the dysfunction reverberates throughout your life. It can be challenging to understand how this type of early interaction shapes your life, behavior, and even your choice in partners, but the research is very clear in the link between growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent and the potential for trauma .

According to a study by the National Association of Children of Alcoholics (NACOA), there are over 11 million children in the U.S. under the age of 18 living in families with at least one alcoholic parent. The statistics provided by multiple sources further break this down to about 76 million adults in the country who have lived or are currently living with a family history of alcoholism .

Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) have higher rates of specific mental health issues. This includes an increase in rates of depression , substance abuse , and challenges in interpersonal relationships. In the study, "Self and Partner Alcohol-related Problems Among ACOAs and Non-ACOAs: Associations with Depressive Symptoms and Motivations for Alcohol Use," it was found that ACOAs were three to four times more likely to choose a partner with an alcohol addiction than non-ACOAs in the study.

In addition to the higher rate of selecting an alcoholic partner, ACOAs are also more likely to experience the symptoms of trauma. Dr. Tian Dayton, a clinical psychologist, reports the impact of this trauma on a child and how the environment in which these children grow up directly reflects the major factors contributing to PTSD . These factors include the feeling of being unable to escape from the pain, being at risk in the family, and being frightened in a place that should be safe.

There are several issues relevant to the effects of trauma on a child in these types of households. The most critical factors include the age of the child, the duration of the trauma during development, and the ability of the child to have support within the family or from an outside source.

Signs and Symptoms of Trauma

There are several different signs and symptoms of PTSD and trauma exhibited by adult children of alcoholics. Similar to PTSD, any one symptom can be problematic and can have a negative impact on the quality of life for the individual.

Some of the most common symptoms experienced by ACOAs include:

• Hypervigilance: ACOAs frequently are hyper-vigilant around the family, the work environment, and in relationships. This may stem from the shame and pain they experienced in their childhood ; being aware of any potential dangers may have become a self-protective coping mechanism.
• Need for control: Growing up in a world without control may lead to an extreme focus on controlling their current behavior as well as the behavior of those around them. This can also create problems with intimate partners as they need to control all aspects of the relationship.
• Difficulty with emotions: Growing up with an alcoholic parent means learning to hide your emotions, particularly any that are seen as negative, such as sadness, anger , embarrassment , frustration, or shame. This can also result in the inability to express positive emotions, even to a child or a partner.
• Low self-esteem : It is not surprising that ACOAs typically have a low sense of self-esteem. They are often uncomfortable with recognition or praise, although it is also what they seek. They can be very sensitive to any type of criticism or perceived negative feedback.
• Physical and mental health issues: As with any type of trauma or stress , poor self-care routines, isolation, and a higher risk of depression can lead to both ongoing physical and mental health issues.

With therapy and support, ACOAs can make changes in their life and treat the underlying PTSD and trauma. Talk therapy one-on-one or group counseling, somatic experiencing, and EMDR are highly effective in addressing the signs of trauma and developing new, healthy coping mechanisms.

Alcoholism Statistics. (2013). Family Alcoholism Statistics. Retrieved July 28, 2019, from Alcoholism Statistics: http://www.alcoholism-statistics.com/family-statistics/

Dayton, D. T. (2015, April 29). Adult Children of Alcoholics and Trauma. Retrieved July 28, 2019, from HuffPost: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/adult-children-of-alcohol_b_6676950

Kelley ML, L. A.-B. (2014). Self and Partner Alcohol-related Problems Among ACOAs and Non-ACOAs: Associations with Depressive Symptoms and Motivations for Alcohol Use. Addictive Behavior, 211-218.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW , is a licensed psychotherapist/author specializing in addictions, codependency, and underlying issues such as depression, trauma, and anxiety.

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Online Therapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Relationships
• Child Development
• Self Tests NEW
• Therapy Center
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

It’s increasingly common for someone to be diagnosed with a condition such as ADHD or autism as an adult. A diagnosis often brings relief, but it can also come with as many questions as answers.

• Emotional Intelligence
• Gaslighting
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

Essay Service Examples Health Alcoholism

College Essay on Alcoholic Parents and How They Affect a Child's Life

• Proper editing and formatting
• Free revision, title page, and bibliography
• Flexible prices and money-back guarantee

Our writers will provide you with an essay sample written from scratch: any topic, any deadline, any instructions.

Cite this paper

Related essay topics.

Get your paper done in as fast as 3 hours, 24/7.

Related articles

Most popular essays

• Native American
• Sherman Alexie

For many years, Native Americans have encompassed a negative pool of stereotypes; one of these...

The terminology and typologies used to describe alcoholics and diagnose alcoholism have changed...

• Drug Addiction
• Personal Experience

There are four conceptual models of addictive behavior as identified by Brickman and colleagues....

Alcoholism is very prevalent in today’s society. It has actually been prevalent for much longer,...

In the labyrinth of human struggles, alcoholism stands as an enigmatic foe that has plagued...

My first health issue that is happening every day is Drug addiction. Many do not realize how...

Alcoholism is a very expensive disorder. Economically, it can cost a country’s national government...

According to the American Psychiatric Association addiction is a multiplex condition, a brain...

Drinking enough alcohol to become intoxicated is significantly found the people who have one...

Join our 150k of happy users

• Get original paper written according to your instructions
• Save time for what matters most

Fair Use Policy

EduBirdie considers academic integrity to be the essential part of the learning process and does not support any violation of the academic standards. Should you have any questions regarding our Fair Use Policy or become aware of any violations, please do not hesitate to contact us via [email protected].

We are here 24/7 to write your paper in as fast as 3 hours.

Provide your email, and we'll send you this sample!

By providing your email, you agree to our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy .

Say goodbye to copy-pasting!

Get custom-crafted papers for you.

Enter your email, and we'll promptly send you the full essay. No need to copy piece by piece. It's in your inbox!

• FOR PROFESSIONALS
• PATIENT PORTAL
• TELETHERAPY

Learn About Our Walk-In Process

How Growing Up In An Alcoholic Home Can Affect Children

Living with alcoholic parents can be chaotic and unpredictable, leading to anxiety, sadness, anger, confusion and consequences that persist to adulthood..

In the U.S., growing up in a household with alcoholic parents is not a rarity. The  American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry  states that one in five adults in the U.S. grew up with an alcoholic family member at home.

For young children, growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent can shape the rest of their life. If the mother drank while pregnant, they could even be a victim of  fetal alcohol syndrome , which carries through childhood and into adulthood.

Having alcoholic parents can have several harmful effects on children. These issues can take root physically or psychologically, and consequences can last through adulthood. In some cases, children of alcoholics even develop substance abuse issues themselves.

Psychological Effects Of Alcoholism On Children

Children of alcoholics may be exposed to alcoholic behavior, which can have an ongoing effect on their view of alcohol, as well as their self-worth if they are exposed to abusive behavior from an alcoholic. The following are all ways that having alcoholic parents can affect a child:

It can be easy for children to blame themselves for an adult’s drinking, thinking that maybe if they behaved better or were smarter, the adult wouldn’t be driven to drink. Though this is not true, it is easy for a child’s brain to make those assumptions. Guilt is something they may grapple with for years to come.

Having an alcoholic adult in the household is a great weight for a child to carry. They may often wonder how bad it will be that day, if the adult will harm themselves or others, if they will be yelled at, etc. If abuse is present as a result of alcoholism, the child may also fear being physically or psychologically abused each day.

Often, alcoholism results in a feeling of secrecy, so the child may feel like they cannot talk about their home life or have friends over to their house. In some cases, alcoholic parents become intoxicated in public, possibly in front of people the child may know, which can result in further feelings of embarrassment.

This rapid change is a confusing concept for any child to grasp. The adult may also be a high-functioning alcoholic , making it harder for the child to accept that their parent has a problem because it may not be as obvious.

Children of alcoholic parents often harbor anger, whether at the alcoholic in their life or other adults for failing to notice or act. This anger can take root deeply and affect a child’s performance in school, their ability to interact with others, and their desire to succeed.

If the child is an only child, they may feel very isolated and alone when their parents are drinking. Even if a child has siblings, they may still pull away and feel like no one understands what they are going through or cares. This can be dangerous, as depression can lead to extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts or actions.

What Adulthood Is Like for Children of Alcoholics

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can have lasting effects, even after a child grows up and becomes independent. Some of the ways growing up in an alcoholic household may affect the adult children of alcoholics include:

Often, an alcoholic adult is not a reliable person. It’s likely the child has been let down time and time again. He or she may fear all people will act in this manner, becoming hesitant to get close to others. Research has demonstrated just how difficult it can be for adult children of alcoholic parents to form meaningful relationships. A study in the Journal of Mental Health Counseling found that adult children of alcoholics had lower relationship satisfaction and a high need for control within their relationships.

As adults, children of alcoholics may be more emotionally driven than others, meaning they will act quickly and on impulse rather than thinking through a situation. According to the results of a study in Substance Use & Misuse , children of alcoholic parents have more difficulty with emotions and show greater impulsivity when compared to those who did not grow up with alcoholic parents, regardless of whether they are drinkers themselves. The study authors concluded that certain personality traits associated with alcoholism seem to be passed down through families .

It is common for children of alcoholics to grow up and develop substance abuse issues of their own, even while still school-aged. This may be due to how normalized drugs and alcohol are in their home or because the child views them as a coping mechanism for their home life. Children who grow up with alcoholic parents are four times more likely to develop a substance abuse problem than children who did not grow up in an alcoholic household.

Signs of Alcoholism at Home

If alcoholism at home is suspected, signs to look for in a child may  include :

• Failing in school
• Having no friends or withdrawing from classmates
• Delinquent behavior
• Complaining about headaches or stomach aches frequently
• Abusing of drugs or alcohol
• Being aggressive towards other children
• Risk-taking behavior
• Suicidal thoughts or behavior

However, there are ways to reach out and help children of alcoholics. Relatives, teachers and caregivers  can help these children with educational programs, mental health resources and  support groups  like Alateen and Al-Anon.  Encouraging alcoholic parents to receive substance use treatment  for alcoholism can also help if done appropriately with a mental health professional’s support.

Being a child of an alcoholic may be a lifelong battle for some children, but there are ways for them to cope with their parent’s substance use and learn to thrive as an adult.

If you grew up with alcoholic parents and are coping with substance abuse or mental health conditions of your own, The Recovery Village is here to help. We have locations across the country, and we are qualified to treat both addiction and co-occurring mental health disorders.  Contact us  today to learn more. 

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. “ Alcohol Use in Families .” May 2019. Accessed July 29, 2021.

Beesley, Denise, and Stoltenberg, Cal D. “Control, Attachment Style, and Relationship Satisfaction among Adult Children of Alcoholics.” Journal of Mental Health Counseling, January 2002. Accessed July 29, 2021.

Lyvers, Michael, Hayatbakshs, Nilofar, Stalewski, Janet, and Thorberg, Fred Arne. “ Alexithymia, Impulsivity, and Reward Sen[…]ldren of Alcoholics. ” Substance Use & Misuse, 2019. Accessed July 29, 2021.

Sher, Kenneth. Psychological Characteristics of Children of Alcoholics . National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 1997. Accessed July 29, 2021.

The Recovery Village aims to improve the quality of life for people struggling with substance use or mental health disorder with fact-based content about the nature of behavioral health conditions, treatment options and their related outcomes. We publish material that is researched, cited, edited and reviewed by licensed medical professionals. The information we provide is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It should not be used in place of the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare providers.

We can help answer your questions and talk through any concerns.

An official website of the United States government

The .gov means it’s official. Federal government websites often end in .gov or .mil. Before sharing sensitive information, make sure you’re on a federal government site.

The site is secure. The https:// ensures that you are connecting to the official website and that any information you provide is encrypted and transmitted securely.

• Publications
• Account settings

Preview improvements coming to the PMC website in October 2024. Learn More or Try it out now .

• Advanced Search
• Journal List
• Nordisk Alkohol Nark
• v.36(3); 2019 Jun

Childhood narratives about the experience of growing up with alcoholic parents

Anneli silvén hagström.

Department of Social Work, Stockholm, Sweden

The invisible children of alcoholics as a “risk group” in need of support

As a social work researcher, I am currently analysing longitudinal interview material consisting of 63 children’s narrated experiences of growing up with alcoholic parents from the tentative concept “stigma-related trauma”. It refers to these children’s exposure to traumatising events in their everyday lives, such as experiences of parental neglect, violence or sexual abuse, which at the same time induce shame and stigmatisation. These childhood conditions are not usually talked about or revealed to individuals outside the family circle. The silence connected to alcohol abuse in the family is known to create a “hidden harm effect” ( Laslett et al., 2015 ), which is ultimately manifest in psychological and social problems for children of alcoholics in adolescence and young adulthood, and their too often untimely death linked to violent or preventable causes such as suicide, violence, accidents or addiction ( Hjern et al., 2017 ; Nygaard Christoffersen & Soothill, 2003 ). Although most children of alcoholics demonstrate resilience in coping with adverse childhood experiences, this “risk research” highlights the need to identify the “invisible children” of alcoholics in order to offer them timely and appropriate support.

In my reading of two important articles in this special issue ( Tamutienė & Jogaitė, 2019 ; Tedgård, Råstam, & Wirtberg, 2019 ) I find great correspondence between the childhood narratives analysed in these two contexts, those in my own research and previous studies in the field. This accentuates a number of critical questions for research and clinical practice. I briefly outline and discuss below a shared thematic in these childhood narratives which has implications for research and practice.

Lessons for research and practice

The articles demonstrate – once again with brutal clarity – that the children of alcoholics suffer repeated trauma and stigmatisation, and are thus put in a particularly vulnerable position. Moreover, they are invisible due to their reluctance to disclose a dysfunctional family situation to outsiders, from a sense of loyalty to the conspiracy of silence in the family. In practice, however, they are usually not invisible: the parents’ alcohol abuse is often described as having been exposed within the social network, and children occasionally choose to disclose the “family secret” to individuals they perceive as reliable from a help-seeking position ( Tamutienė & Jogaitė, 2019 ; Tinnfält, Eriksson, & Brunnberg, 2011 ). Another side of this invisibility is the lack of acknowledgment of the children of alcoholics. This becomes particularly clear in the article by Tamutienė and Jogaitė (2019) . Not even after these children were identified as living in “at risk” families with one or two alcoholic parents – and were being supervised by social services and the police – were they asked about their situations. In contrast to the assumption of children’s silence, the rich and detailed narratives told by children of alcoholics in the research support their articulated needs. They have a strong desire to be listened to and supported in their lonely attempts to cope, and they long for a change in their situations.

This represents a call for research to shift its focus from maintaining the assumption of the invisible problematic of alcoholism, to investigating further what happens when children of alcoholics break their silence in connection with abuse in the family. This would also entail a change in these children’s position in research from being viewed mainly as vulnerable victims, to being recognised as competent agents with their own strategies for coping with their situations and seeking support (see Eriksson & Näsman, 2008 ; Holmila, Itäpuisto, & Ilva, 2011 ). I would encourage an interest in the processes of disclosure; that is, how individuals in the daily social contexts of the children of alcoholics, such as relatives, school teachers, healthcare personnel and social workers, respond to such disclosures, and the outcomes for these children. This would mean examining, for example, whether the children are just listened to but left in a visible and unprotected position, or whether the indirect or direct disclosure is acted on; and whether the children are included in the decision-making process on ensuring their own safety and wellbeing.

Viewing children’s disclosures in terms of their active help-seeking also has implications for researchers in the field. Hence, from a research ethics perspective, it is vital that researchers reflect on their own responsibility when listening to the children of alcoholics telling of their exposure to harm, and deciding whether or when a social services investigation should be initiated.

With regard to professional practice, I strongly agree with Tamutienė and Jogaitė that professionals must construct trusting relationships and contexts where children feel safe to talk about traumatic and stigmatising childhood experiences, based on our current knowledge about the barriers to disclosure. Both articles show how the school environment is usually perceived as a safe haven in the face of adversity, but that teachers mainly focus on their pedagogical tasks and are reluctant to offer support to children to change their situations, for example, by actively asking about their family situations or filing a social services report. This was also evident in the interview material I analysed. Younger children often told how they sought help from their pre-school teachers, who prevented a drunk parent from picking up a child or followed a child home when a drunk parent had passed out through alcohol. None of these incidents of help- and support-seeking, however, led to a change in the child’s situation. In fact, viewed over time it could be argued that the support offered, contrary to its purpose, functioned as a facilitator for continued alcohol abuse.

Tedgård, Råstam, and Wirtberg (2019) highlight the need for the children of alcoholics to receive early support to acquire a language that enables them cognitively and emotionally to comprehend and process their childhood situations, and to identify their own feelings and needs. If not, as is shown in their research, childhood traumas are encapsulated in wordless experiences, which can negatively affect their parental abilities. In the interviews that I analysed, the children had all participated in a psycho-educational programme, Children are people too (see Lindstein, 1996 ). This early support clearly helped them to find a voice, reflect on their situations and identify their feelings and needs, which supports the arguments put forward. Moreover, Tedgård et al. highlight how becoming a parent is known to be a particularly vulnerable time in life for the adult children of alcoholics; one that is linked to experiences of elevated distress and failure, when special support should be offered. Judging from how their study participants engaged in life storytelling, this format should be perceived as meaningful. It gives the adult children of alcoholics an opportunity to retrospectively talk about and reflect on traumatic childhood experiences from a position of new parenthood. Such narrative support would be likely to counteract “risk” being transferred between generations.

Declaration of conflicting interests: The author declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding: The author disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: Systembolagets Alkoholforskningsråd, CAN (2017–0062) and FORTE (2018–01052).

• Eriksson M., Näsman E. (2008). Barn som offer och aktörer [Children as victims and actors] . Sociologisk Forskning , 45 ( 2 ), 81–86. [ Google Scholar ]
• Hjern A., Berg L., Arat A., Klöfvermark J., Manhica H., Rostila M., Vinnerljung B. (2017). Children as next of kin in Sweden. Report 2017:2 . Swedish Family Care Competence Centre (SFCCC: ), Linneus University. [ Google Scholar ]
• Holmila M. J., Itäpuisto M., Ilva M. (2011). Invisible victims or competent agents: Opinions and ways of coping among children aged 12–18 years with problem drinking parents . Drugs: Education, Prevention and Policy , 18 ( 3 ), 179–186. [ Google Scholar ]
• Laslett A.-M., Mugavin L., Jiang H., Callinan S., MacLean S., Room R. (2015). The hidden harm: Alcohol’s impact on children and families . Canberra, Australia: Foundation for Alcohol Research & Education (FARE) and Centre for Alcohol Policy Research (CAPR; ). [ Google Scholar ]
• Lindstein T. (1996). Working with children of alcoholics . Stockholm Studies of Social Work, no. 10 Sweden: Department of Social Work, Stockholm University. [ Google Scholar ]
• Nygaard Christoffersen M., Soothill K. (2003). The long-term consequences of parental alcohol abuse: A cohort study of children in Denmark . Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment , 25 ( 2 ), 107–116. [ PubMed ] [ Google Scholar ]
• Tamutienė I., Jogaitė B. (2019). Disclosure of alcohol-related harm: Children’s experiences . Nordic Studies on Alcohol and Drugs , 36 ( 3 ), 209–222. doi:10.1177/1455072518807789 [ PMC free article ] [ PubMed ] [ Google Scholar ]
• Tedgård E., Råstam M., Wirtberg I. (2019). An upbringing with substance-abusing parents: Experiences of parentification and dysfunctional communication . Nordic Studies on Alcohol and Drugs , 36 ( 3 ), 223–247. doi:10.1177/1455072518814308 [ PMC free article ] [ PubMed ] [ Google Scholar ]
• Tinnfält A., Eriksson C., Brunnberg E. (2011). Adolescent children of alcoholics on disclosure, support, and assessment of trustworthy adults . Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal , 28 , 133–151. [ Google Scholar ]

• Children’s Education and Role of Parents Words: 642
• Applied Ethics: Moral Standards of Alcoholic Parents Words: 2600
• Adult Children Should Support Elderly Parents Words: 775
• Why Do Parents Abuse Their Children: Discussion Words: 1815
• Parental Stress and Its Effects on Children Words: 2240
• Temperament of Children in Alcoholic Families Words: 924
• Parent-Child Relationship and Its Effect on Adolescents Words: 3968
• Negative Effects of Divorce on Children Words: 4386
• Should Parents Spank Their Children? Words: 1151
• Liability of Bullies’ Parents for Children’s Activities Words: 1391
• Raising Children in Single Families: Single-Parent Families’ Problems Words: 1092
• Psychology of Children with Incarcerated Parents Words: 1105
• Should Parents Be Responsible for Children’s Crimes? Words: 586
• Views on Raising Children: Tasks of Parents Words: 590
• The Role of Parents in Acts of Theft and Vandalism by Minor Children Words: 1246
• Problems Experienced by Children Raised by Homo Parents Words: 2377
• Child Behavior in Relation to Parenting Words: 601

Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children

Introduction, effects of alcoholic parents, fear of failure, desire to control, developing compulsive behaviors.

Societal awareness regarding problems related to alcoholism has increased due to increased research and studies in the area. A lot of attention has been paid to the long-term effect of alcoholic parents on offspring. Studies have indicated that such children grow up with “unique emotional patterns and problems” (Goleman, 1992). One such problem evident is the constant feeling of seclusion of the rest and the feeling of “otherness” that develops in the children as adults. Thus, they usually put up a garb of pretence and falsehood and are usually reluctant to stand up for themselves. Research on children of alcoholic parents has greatly shown signs of social dysfunctionality, depression, and other psychological problems. The reason behind such disorder among adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) may be reasoned for the failure of the parents to provide parental warmth, respectful treatment of the child and absence of any clearly defined limits. Research on children of alcoholics has shown that they have a low self-esteem, suffer from depression, and high degree of anxiety (Kashubeck, 1994). ACOA are a population, which shows different behavior from non-ACOA. This essay aims to understand the affects of alcoholic parents on adult children. The thesis statement for the essay is – while effects of being raised by alcoholics in adult children may vary, fear of failure, desire to control, and developing compulsive behaviors are prevalent characteristics.

There has been a plethora of research in the area of ACOA and various research have been provided which show the effects that may be caused due to living with alcoholic parents. I believe that all these reasons can be combined together and formed into three main reasons, which are fear of failure, desire to control, and developing compulsive behaviors.

Research reports that the ACOA population has a very low self-esteem. Self-esteem indicates the confidence level in individuals. The ACOAs have a negative self-image. This is a result of their constant belief that they are the root cause of their dysfunctional family system and alcoholism in parents. As a child, the ACOA constantly feels that if he/she had been perfect, the problems facing the family would have been solved. As an adult, this grows into an “all or nothing” mentality. Thus, he/she craves for perfection, and if this is not achieved, he/she believed himself/herself to be a failure.

ACOAs face the problem of constantly being unable to accept themselves as imperfect human beings (Kashubeck, 1994). The acceptance of imperfection in oneself is key to gain self-esteem, achievement of goals, and feel the fruit of success. The self-acknowledgment of talents and abilities severely lack in ACOAs. This results in a negative self-image that they portray of themselves (About.com, 2009). This indicates that they often lower their value and thus lower their self-esteem. Therefore, a low self-esteem makes them feel that they will fail in whatever they do.

Another reason for the lack of self-esteem in ACOAs is deprivation of love in childhood. The childhood of ACOAs is full of images of parents who had never bestowed love or affection to the children. The alcoholic parent under the influence of the alcohol and the non-alcoholic parent because of frustration of the situation. This has resulted in the development of the lack of love among the children, which later grows into a feeling of being dejected. ACOAs seek love in others, however when they get love, they dismiss it as invalid due to the presence of negative self image which they harbor in their mind. Thus, external validation of self becomes important for ACOAs as they lack the capability of seeing his/her own worth.

There is a lack of self-confidence among ACOAs. Lack of trust in one’s own abilities constantly increases the fear of failure from which ACOAs constantly suffer. Therefore, feedback to compliment small achievements can help them overcome this fear and give them more confidence to try to achieve something more. The lack of focus on the present moment, which must be increased in order and prediction of future success or failure, will decrease the anxiety of failure, which constantly thrive in the mind of ACOAs. Further, this will help them accept negative feedback and make them realize that it is not an indication of self-worth.

Therefore, the essential condition for ACOAs to forego the fear of failure is to achieve higher degree of self-esteem and remove the negative self-image from his/her mind. The focus must, therefore, be on achieving present goals rather than fear future failures.

Children growing up in an environment of alcohol addiction learn a few survival skills. However, as adults these skills do not help them a lot. Usually ACOAs feel that they must be in possession of control of their own behavior all the time (Seefeldt & Lyon, 1992; Glover, 1994). This desire to control is an outcome of growing up a chaos where active alcoholism dwells. This desire to be in control all the time arises due to the generation of fear, which had been grounded in their mind since childhood.

The reason behind this may be explained from the point of view of a dominating alcoholic. An alcoholic has an obsessive desire master through humiliation and threats to have family members who are actually the victims to maintain his quality of life i.e. to satisfy his narcissist desires. The ACOAs due to facing such behaviors become obsessed with the desire to control the inappropriate behavior of their parent and to dysfunctional environment of the family environment. One can say it is due to facing such extreme sadism in hand of parents that ACOAs grow up to become control addicts over another as this gives him/her as it makes him/her feel important.

Here too the deprivation that causes such action is love and affection from the parent. If the alcoholic adopts a behavior, which is frightening, illogical, or humiliating, in other words, sadistic, the children develop a feeling that they must do something. This is a feeling of false competence that develops in them.

In many cases this desire to control among ACOAs are expressed through suicide. Hostile environment at home makes them look for a place of safety. Suicide sometimes provides that safe place to them. As ACOAs always have the desire to control over their fate, they desire to control the hostile environment at home. Inability to do so is expressed through suicidal tendencies. As they feel through suicide, they are willingly controlling the environment, which otherwise, they cannot escape or control through avoidance or physical will.

As they grow as adults the aspects of life under their control reduces, making this desire worse. This increases the feeling of hopelessness among ACOAs. ACOAs are often perfectionists and have a strong desire to control their environment, which is because they have lived in a chaotic family. Usually these people are very dedicated employees, but their strong desire to control can be seen through their conflict with other employees who resent ACOA’s effort to control their behavior.

A compulsive behavior is a tendency to certain kind of addiction or obsession towards something. Usually an ACOA, being parented by an addict, takes to some kind of addiction. Alcohol maybe a common addiction found among ACOAs. Others may be gambling, drug abuse, eating disorder, or addictive relationships. Others may include excessive religious attitude, chronic illness, workaholism, bulimia, anorexia, etc. Research has shown that female ACOAs were more inclined towards compulsive caregiving (Jaeger, Hahn, & Weinraub, 2000). The research shows that female ACOAs have a more insecure attachment towards organizations than non-ACOAs. This inclines them towards care that is more compulsive giving.

Compulsive behavior that is mostly observable among ACOAs is addiction of certain kind. Research has shown that there have been many cases of ACOAs who have adopted alcohol (Hill, Nord, & Blow, 1992). Research suggests the excessive dependence on alcohol of a biological parent increases the risk of dependence on alcohol in a young adult. Further, it has also been proven that there are clear indications of ACOAs being addicted to some form of nicotine intake (Cuijpers & Smit, 2002).

Punishments given to ACOAs are considered by them as “challenges” which forces them to “emit same punishment producing behavior” as they believe that their persistent behavior will be helpful. Rather this becomes an obsession for them in a later life. Thus, punishment condition as a child affects ACOAs in two different ways: (1) those that generate low responses like lack of motivation, crying, disorganization, noncompliance, etc, and (2) avoidance of the punishment, which is achieved through caretaking, obsessive desire to do everything right, etc.

The compulsive behavior is a method of controlling themselves and an extension of their desire to control behavior. This behavior presents short-term relief from unhappiness, which are instilled deeper and bad feelings. However, this affects them in the longer term. As ACOAs are mostly unable to express themselves emotionally, they become addicts of certain behavior, which works as an emotional outlet for them. Further, their inability to identify also raises their compulsive behavior as they are constantly craving to associate themselves with others.

Research has found numerous effects on ACOAs however; there are a few areas, which come out as the primary outcomes of growing up in a dysfunctional environment. As a child an ACOA grows up in an environment of chaos unloved and uncared by parents. This creates a feeling of loneliness and low self-esteem among them. They start blaming themselves for the plight of their family and feel that somehow they might be able to control the situation. As they grow up, these desires are seldom fulfilled, and they, as adults, become more fearful of failure as they had faced it as a child, are keener on controlling as they failed to do it as a child, and addicts of compulsive behavior, which becomes an outlet of the things they observe, or fear or rebel against.

About.com. (2009). Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics . Web.

Cuijpers, P., & Smit, F. (2002). Nicotine Dependence And Regular Nicotine Use In Adult Children Of Alcoholics. Addiction Research & Theory 10(1) , 69-81.

Glover, G. J. (1994). The hero child in the alcoholic home: Recommendations for counselors. School Counselor 41(3) , 185.

Goleman, D. (1992). ‘Wisdom’ on Alcoholic’s Child Called Stuff of Fortune Cookies. Web.

Hill, E. M., Nord, J. L., & Blow, F. C. (1992). Young-adult children of alcoholic parents: protective effects of positive family functioning. British Journal of Addiction 87(12) , 1677-1690.

Jaeger, E., Hahn, N. B., & Weinraub, M. (2000). Attachment in adult daughters of alcoholic fathers. Addiction 95(2) , 267-276.

Kashubeck, S. (1994). Adult Children of Achoholics and Psychological disorder. Journal of Counseling and Development 72 , 538-543.

Seefeldt, R., & Lyon, M. (1992). Personality Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics. Journal of Counseling & Development 70(5) , 588.

Cite this paper

• Chicago (N-B)
• Chicago (A-D)

StudyCorgi. (2021, November 14). Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children. https://studycorgi.com/alcoholic-parents-effect-on-adult-children/

"Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children." StudyCorgi , 14 Nov. 2021, studycorgi.com/alcoholic-parents-effect-on-adult-children/.

StudyCorgi . (2021) 'Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children'. 14 November.

1. StudyCorgi . "Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children." November 14, 2021. https://studycorgi.com/alcoholic-parents-effect-on-adult-children/.

Bibliography

StudyCorgi . "Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children." November 14, 2021. https://studycorgi.com/alcoholic-parents-effect-on-adult-children/.

StudyCorgi . 2021. "Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children." November 14, 2021. https://studycorgi.com/alcoholic-parents-effect-on-adult-children/.

This paper, “Alcoholic Parents’ Effect on Adult Children”, was written and voluntary submitted to our free essay database by a straight-A student. Please ensure you properly reference the paper if you're using it to write your assignment.

Before publication, the StudyCorgi editorial team proofread and checked the paper to make sure it meets the highest standards in terms of grammar, punctuation, style, fact accuracy, copyright issues, and inclusive language. Last updated: November 15, 2021 .

If you are the author of this paper and no longer wish to have it published on StudyCorgi, request the removal . Please use the “ Donate your paper ” form to submit an essay.

Alcoholic parent mention in additional section

My father is an alcoholic. He drinks heavily on the weekends all the time, but works without consuming alcohol on weekdays. My mother is not an alcoholic, but she doesn’t have work. Both of my parents were immigrants. Anyway, throughout their 25 yr marriage, she dealt with emotional and financial abuse. (in the early years, he was arrested for physical abuse, and bailed out quickly) It is annoying and frustrating when a loved one can easily change when under the influence. I’m currently helping my mom deal with my father’s financial abuse. In 2018 we moved into a new home, and my mom used some 29k from my grandma’s fortune to help pay for the house. My father has been paying off 29k slowly through out the years, and he recently claimed that he finished paying her off, but its not true, bc he has 5k left to pay her. Using my mom’s credit app, I tracked all of the transactions from my father’s account to her account to create a financial history chart dating back to 2020 to do this. My mom went to the bank and also confirmed its 5k left. Still, my father insists he will not pay her anything, and instead he urges her to conceal her credit account to him. I could go on and on about near divorces and stories. I was considering on writing about lessons and values I’ve learned, but I’ve never done anything about my father’s alcoholism. Is this too risky or not worth writing about?

Much too risky. Your essays are to be about you.

Focus on some other facet of your life. It is not your job to ‘do something’ about your father’s illness, and the admissions officers are not counselors or there to feel sorry for you. They want to know how you will add to the university class they are assembling and to judge your writing ability and style. Kids have been admitted after writing about shopping at Costco, how much they like chocolate milk, how much fun they had at summer camp. Many do write about challenges or illness, but IMO those are harder.

Sorry you’re going through this, sorry you’ve been drawn into their issues. Don’t write about this. It won’t help you. You cannot do anything about your parents’ problems. You cannot save your mother, you cannot fix your father. You might want to look into an organization called Al-Anon that helps people who are dealing with an alcoholic family member. They even have support groups for teens dealing with alcoholic family members.

Think about what you love doing. Think about your own hopes and dreams, what you want in life, what you want to become in life. Focus your essay on these ideas, not on the troubled home you’ve come from.

This is an excellent suggestion.

I agree…this isn’t a good subject for your college applications. If your school guidance counselor knows of these issues and how you overcame them, perhaps they can address this in their letter.

But what you write on a college application really needs to highlight you…not the shortcomings of others.

I think its okay to mention that you grew up in a situation where alcoholism changed the trajectory of your life. But don’t focus entirely on your father. Instead use the essay to explain how it shaped you as a person, and what you will do in the future.

I’m sorry you’re growing up with that. It’s much more common than people understand and it’s hard to live with.

So many students view their college essays as tell-alls. That is not their purpose. They are a sales pitch to a college to see if the college wants to “buy” you. What about you will make you succeed at their college? That’s what you show them. An alcoholic parent isn’t a selling point.

You are not your alcoholic father. This might sound harsh, but understand that colleges do not admit people because they feel sorry for them. As awful as your living situation might be, college admissions officers have seen students in much worse situations. They might admit some of those students, but it won’t be because of the challenges they faced. It will be because despite those challenges, the student was able to excel.

I agree with @sgopal2 . If you choose to write this, the situation in the family should just be part of the framework. The picture in the frame must be of you.

“Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism”

While reading “Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism” in my college textbook, I could not help but thinking of my own experiences as a child growing up with an alcoholic father. This essay was written by a student named Meredith Newmon Blanco. In her essay, she makes several strong claims on how children who are raised by alcoholic parents will grow up facing many troubling obstacles. Some of her examples are physical and emotional abuse, lack of structure and discipline, and a childhood that is filled with fear.

Although alcoholism is a tremendous problem in the United States, not all children grow up suffering from a variety of problems due to the fact that they were raised by alcoholic parents. Children, who are raised by alcoholic parents, are exposed to many different types of environments while growing up. Blanco states, “Children in homes with alcoholics grow up with inconsistency and disciplinary fluctuations”. (pg 52) Children are not only raised by their primary care giver, but by the community in which they live in.

This means that children have many social relationships other than their parents.

Daycares and schools are a place where many children spend a majority of their day. While in these facilities, the children are in an environment that is stable, structured, and socially enhancing. The teachers and caregivers in these facilities play an important role in the development of the children who are attending. If the facility is lacking in discipline and structure, this can contribute to many behavior problems displayed by the child.

Proficient in: Abuse

“ This writer never make an mistake for me always deliver long before due date. Am telling you man this writer is absolutely the best. ”

There are several children who do not attend these types of facilities and do spend a majority of their day at home with their alcoholic parents.

However, there are also several characteristics that may contribute to the children’s success, including the ability to obtain positive attention from other people. This includes extended family members like grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even cousins. Children may also obtain positive attention from peer relationships as well. Through these forms of positive attention, children living with alcoholics are able to gain communication skills, a caring attitude, and a desire to achieve success.

Children thrive on routine and research has shown that children with alcoholic parents are less likely to become alcoholics as adults, when their parents consistently follow through on plans and maintain rituals like holidays and regular mealtimes. When alcoholic parents maintain these routine rituals, this can help provide their children with emotionally stable. Some research findings suggest that children suffer negative emotional consequences due to parental alcoholism. However, larger a proportion of these children function well and do not develop serious problems. Children of alcoholics experience higher levels of conflict within the family.

Their development is delayed, and they are four times more likely than other children to develop alcoholism” (Blanco pg 54). Researchers have reported that many children from alcoholic homes develop neither psychopathology nor alcoholism. (NIAAA) Recently, a longitudinal study was done in Hawaii over children born to alcoholic parents. The researchers reported that only forty two percent of the children developed serious coping problems by the age of eighteen and fifty nine percent did not develop any kind of emotional problems.

My childhood was very happy and full of structure. My family did many activities together on a regular basis. I experienced no extreme conflict with my parents and had normal sibling disputes with my brother. There were things about my family that I did not discover until I was around nineteen years old. My father was a severe alcoholic, spending hundreds of dollars a week in liquor. He was what is considered a functioning alcoholic.

“The functioning alcoholic is the alcoholic who can hold down a job, pursue a career or care for children while continuing his or her alcoholism. (Neill) My father was very active and well liked in his community. He made a lifelong career out of being a truck driving to support his family. Growing up as a child, I was unaware of his problem with drinking. To my knowledge, my father only drank socially. Sometimes, there would be cans of beer in our refrigerator for months before my mother would throw it out. Only on occasion, would I notice a liquor bottle or two in the cabinet. As I grew older, I began to learn things were not as blissful as they appeared.

My parents struggled quite a bit with their marriage. However, they still maintained structure and bliss. They would fight quite often, but never in front of my brother and I. As a child, I cannot remember a single argument between the two of them. I was extremely close to my father and favored him over my mother as a child. He was always available for me whenever I needed him. I held him very high on a pedestal and would do anything for him. He was my best friend. I feel that the way I was raised really shaped me as a person.

I turned out to be a very well disciplined adult, who in no way, is a dysfunctional member of society. Now that I am almost in my thirties, I have experienced situations with my father that has exposed me to just how bad his drinking truly is. My father is self destructing before my very eyes with each passing year. My parents divorced about three years ago due to my father’s infidelity. Over the past three years, I have seen him become a pathetical liar, a mantic depressive, violent towards others, and has distant himself from his family.

Some of these things my mother dealt with throughout my entire childhood. My father is still a functioning alcoholic. He is still very well liked in the community, holds his truck driving job, and is even helping to raise his new wife’s child. Many are unaware of his severe drinking problem. My father taught me self discipline and emotional control when I was a child, and those valuable lessons are now helping me as an adult with the challenges of watching my best friend fade out of my life.

I credit so much of who I am to how he morally shaped me. Those lessons he taught me as a child are what I am using now to prevent him from negatively impacting me or my family. Blanco’s statement, “Children of alcoholic parents suffer from a variety of problems directly linked to their parents alcohol abuse” (Blanco pg 54) really showed her ignorance to the situation she was writing about. My alcoholic father has helped me become a strong, positive, independent, outgoing, and optimistic person.

Much of your ability to succeed comes from the way you deal with life. Having a positive mental attitude is indispensable for success and happiness. You are constantly faced with challenges, difficulties, and problems every day of your life. They are unavoidable and one of the inevitable parts of being human. Never the less, as you draw upon your resources to respond effectively to each challenge, you grow and become a stronger person. Now that I am an adult, I feel my father’s current actions are just another life lesson for me.

Sometimes, things in life are not always what they appear, but how these challenges shape you as a person is for you to decide. Every human being is capable of making their life what they want it to be.

Cite this page

“Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism”. (2019, Dec 06). Retrieved from https://paperap.com/paper-on-essay-children-raised-alcoholic-parents/

"“Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism”." PaperAp.com , 6 Dec 2019, https://paperap.com/paper-on-essay-children-raised-alcoholic-parents/

PaperAp.com. (2019). “Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism” . [Online]. Available at: https://paperap.com/paper-on-essay-children-raised-alcoholic-parents/ [Accessed: 7 Sep. 2024]

"“Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism”." PaperAp.com, Dec 06, 2019. Accessed September 7, 2024. https://paperap.com/paper-on-essay-children-raised-alcoholic-parents/

"“Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism”," PaperAp.com , 06-Dec-2019. [Online]. Available: https://paperap.com/paper-on-essay-children-raised-alcoholic-parents/. [Accessed: 7-Sep-2024]

PaperAp.com. (2019). “Who Are the Real Victims of Alcoholism” . [Online]. Available at: https://paperap.com/paper-on-essay-children-raised-alcoholic-parents/ [Accessed: 7-Sep-2024]

• Realize Real Eyes Real Lies Pages: 5 (1281 words)
• Alcoholism in Youth Pages: 3 (795 words)
• A Domestic Dilemma Dealing with Alcoholism Pages: 4 (1154 words)
• Is Alcoholism A Disease Or A Choice Pages: 6 (1776 words)
• Symptoms of Alcoholism By Behavior, Mood and The Whole Body Pages: 4 (1060 words)
• Alcoholism in Women Pages: 2 (571 words)
• Alcoholism in The Absolutely True Diary Pages: 2 (409 words)
• My Papa's Waltz: A Childhood Reminder of Alcoholism and Mental Breakdowns Pages: 2 (501 words)
• Victims of Cyberattacks On The Internet Pages: 5 (1226 words)
• “Number of Victims” of Arne Dahl Pages: 3 (682 words)