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How to Rescue a Damaged Relationship

Many relationships lose their spark over time, but it isn’t always a sign that things are broken beyond repair. What might feel like a dying relationship can often be saved or restored with a mutual commitment to making things work.

You’ve heard it a million times, but it bears repeating: even the strongest relationships face challenges.

Building a happy, healthy partnership takes work and may not always be easy, especially when there’s been a breach of trust.

“Issues are a part of life and a part of being in a relationship,” says clinical psychologist Stone Kraushaar . “And the goal is to not fixate on the past, but work to create together in a meaningful way.”

So, you do you go about that? Here are some tips to get you started, whether you’re dealing with the fallout from a betrayal or trying to keep a long-distance relationship going.

When there’s been a breach of trust

Anytime trust is broken, there’s going to be a rift in the relationship. It might be painful to face , but leaving these issues unaddressed won’t help anyone in the long run.

Take full responsibility if you’re at fault

If there has been infidelity or trust has been broken, it’s important to take full responsibility for what happened and be understanding of how your behavior hurt your partner.

Avoid becoming defensive or sidestepping your mistake, but don’t fall into self-loathing either. “You should own it in a loving way that creates the space to start to rebuild trust,” says Kraushaar.

Extend compassion and care to the person you hurt

If you’ve hurt your partner, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of shame and disappointment in yourself. But that’s not going to help either of you.

Rather than spend all your time beating yourself up over what you did wrong, try shifting that energy toward showing care and compassion to your partner.

Give your partner the opportunity to win your trust back

While you have every right to feel hurt and angry, there should be a desire to work on the relationship.

“Trust can never be restored until the person whose trust was broken allows their partner a chance to earn it back,” Kraushaar affirms.

Practice radical transparency

Instead of bottling up emotions , Kraushaar encourages people to be “radically transparent” with each other about what has hurt them. This involves truly getting it all out there, even if you feel a bit silly or self-conscious admitting certain things.

If you’re the one who broke the trust, this also involves being radically transparent with yourself about what motivated you to do so. Was it simply a lapse in judgement? Or was it an attempt to sabotage a situation you didn’t know how to get out of?

Consult with a professional

Broken trust can take a toll on everyone in the relationship.

If there’s been a significant breach, consider working together with a qualified therapist who specializes in relationships and can provide guidance for healing.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship

Being physically apart more often than not can be rough on a relationship. Keeping the romance alive takes extra effort on everyone’s part.

Manage expectations

Have a discussion with your partner about your exclusiveness and commitment to each other. What does this look like for each of you? What are you comfortable and uncomfortable with?

Being honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning can prevent things from going wrong down the road.

Have regularly scheduled visits

“It’s so important that couples know and have scheduled visits and can look forward to those times and plan to make them special,” notes Kraushaar.

In fact, research has shown that long-distance relationships where partners have a reunion planned are less stressful and more satisfying.

Set aside time for online dates

If you’re not able to organize scheduled time together due to significant distance or finances, Kraushaar recommends setting up regular online dates with a theme or specific focus.

Don’t just go for your usual conversation topics . Cook a meal together, watch a movie while you keep the video chat open, play a virtual game, or even read a short story aloud, taking turns.

Don’t let your world revolve around your partner

While it’s important to pay attention to fostering closeness in a long-distance relationship, that aspect shouldn’t consume you.

No matter how much you miss them, don’t forget about other important areas of your life.

Keep up with your hobbies and interests — a happy and healthy relationship involves each partner being their own person.

When you live together

No matter how you dice it, going through a rough patch when you live together is stressful.

Plan a regular ‘check in’

Kraushaar recommends setting up a specific time each week or so that allows you to talk about more difficult topics, such as money, sex , and trust so that these don’t bleed over into all of your interactions.

Learn to compromise

All relationships require give and take. When you’re living in close quarters, being accommodating of their needs and preferences without sacrificing your own can help foster more happiness and fulfillment.

Consider working out some kind of temporary agreement that allows each of you to unwind at home alone.

For example, maybe you stay a little later the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays, while they hang out with a friend on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Spend time with friends outside of your relationship

Spending time with friends can have a powerful effect on your personal mental health and can help strengthen your personal identity.

Remember, staying connected to your partner means having a life outside of your relationship.

Engage in affectionate physical contact

Kraushaar encourages partners to regularly hug each other in a fully present and connected way. Holding hands or hugging releases oxytocin which can reduce stress and boost your mood.

If you’re not on great terms right now, this might be easier said than done. Try starting slow — simply putting your hand on theirs can help to show that you still care.

Don’t be hooked on romance

Deep-level intimacy is about creating a satisfying and meaningful relationship that isn’t always based on romantic expression .

Sure, many people want to be swept off their feet from time to time, but it’s important to genuinely respect and enjoy your partners for who they are outside of what they can give you.

When you’ve just had a big fight

Picking up the pieces after a big fight can feel like an impossible task. Try these techniques to help you each move forward.

Use skilled communication

Once tempers have calmed down, it’s important to make sure you each have a chance to get your points across. Try to give each person space to communicate their point of view.

“Being open and honest about one’s thoughts and intentions about the relationship itself and the future can restore — or newly create — a sense of safety” in the relationship, says Montreal psychologist and relationship specialist Zofia Czajkowska , PhD.

Speak from your heart

In order for you partner to truly hear you, it’s important to communicate what you’re really feeling below all the tension.

For example, avoid accusatory phrases, such as, “You did this to me!” Instead, aim for something along the lines of, “When X happens I feel Y and I think it would be helpful if you could do Z to reassure me or prevent that from happening in the future.”

Actively listen

If you catch yourself forming a rebuttal in your head as someone is talking to you, you’re not really listening . “You’re getting ready to defend yourself or go to battle,” says Czajkowska.

“Winning” an argument is never truly winning, she adds. “If your partner feels that they lost, it will likely contribute to more distance, tension, and resentment, so in the long run, you lose too.”

Break the pattern

When rebuilding the relationship, Czajkowska advises to consider it a new one , rather than saving an old one.

“Seeing it this way creates an opportunity for defining rules and boundaries from the beginning,” says Czajkowska.

This means striving to understand and work through underlying issues as well as letting go of past resentments you’ve been holding onto.

When you just aren’t feeling it

A lack of passion or case of the “mehs” doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is beyond repair.

Look at the upside of your relationship

Spend a week noticing or writing down all the things your partner does “right.”

People tend to see what they’re looking for. If you’re looking for reasons to be mad or upset with your partner, you’ll probably find them. But this works in reverse, too. Keep your eyes peeled for the good things.

Say ‘thank you’ for the small things

Similarly, don’t just silently observe your partner’s right-doings.

When they do something that’s kind of helpful, even if it’s just tidying up the kitchen after a meal, verbally thank them .

Have fun together

Sometimes, you just fall into a rut. It might sound cliche, but setting aside some time, even just a few hours , to go do something out of the ordinary can make a big difference.

Psychological research shows that partners who play together experience more positive emotions and report greater happiness.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Take a one-time class together.
• Grab a deck of cards or a board game you each used to love and head to the park.
• Scan your local weekly paper for unusual events. Even if you’re not totally sure what the event entails, make a plant to go check it out together, whether it’s a craft fair or a car show.

Maintain intimacy and communication

Establish how to take care of each other emotionally , advises Czajkowska.

What does this actually mean? For starters, commit to giving each other a heads up when it feels like you’re drifting apart.

Sit down together and look at what might be causing that. Have you each been wrapped up in work? Has it been too long since you spent the day just enjoying each other’s company?

“Commitment to working on the relationship is just as important as commitment to the partner,” she emphasizes.

Frequently asked questions

How do you save a broken relationship.

How you save a damaged relationship can depend on the cause of the damage but most strategies involve restoring trust, intimacy, and communication and making a commitment to repairing the relationship. Consulting with a professional, such as a couples therapist, may help provide specific strategies you can try.

Is there a way to save a dying relationship?

You may be able to save a dying relationship if you and your partner commit to rebuilding it. Some strategies to try include active listening, compromise, honesty, and communication. More specific advice can depend on the reasons your relationship is damaged.

How do you bring a relationship back to life?

You can potentially restore a relationship by both partners making a commitment to noticing the things the other does right, having fun together, and finding ways to take care of each other emotionally by building intimacy.

Can you save a relationship after falling out of love?

You may be able to save a relationship by remembering or rediscovering the things you like about your partner, engaging in physical contact if both partners want to, and doing things to have fun and make memories together, like attending a one-time class.

The bottom line

Ultimately, you’ll need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth the work that’s required to save it from a low point.

It’s also wise to make sure everyone involved is committed to saving the relationship. If you’re the only one willing to put in the work, reconciliation probably isn’t likely.

That said, abuse of any kind , whether it’s physical, verbal , or emotional , is a red flag. Keep in mind that signs of toxicity can be quite subtle. Are you walking on eggshells around your partner? Have you lost your confidence or sense of self?

If you have any inkling that you might be experiencing abuse of any kind, consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by sending a text message to:

• 741741 in the United States
• 686868 in Canada
• 85258 in the United Kingdom

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.

How we reviewed this article:

• Aron A, et al. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10707334/
• Benham-Clarke S, et al. (2022). Learning how relationships work: a thematic analysis of young people and relationship professionals’ perspectives on relationships and relationship education. https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12889-022-14802-5
• Czajkowska Z. (2019). Personal interview.
• Fowers BJ, et al. (2016). Enhancing relationship quality measurement: The development of the Relationship Flourishing Scale. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27918187/
• Gómez-López M, et al. (2019). Well-being and romantic relationships: A systematic eeview in adolescence and emerging adulthood. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6650954/
• Kraushaar S. (2019). Personal interview.
• Maguire KC. (2007). “Will it ever end?”: A (re)examination of uncertainty in college student long-distance relationships. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370701658002
• Murray CE, et al. (2021). The happy, healthy, safe relationships continuum: Conceptualizing a spectrum of relationship quality to guide community-based healthy relationship promotion programming. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1066480720960416

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Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies

While conflict is not uncommon, if left unresolved along with related stress, it can damage the bonds that form between people (Overall & McNulty, 2017).

If we accept that all partners will disagree at times, we must also recognize that it is crucial to find a resolution to ensure that the relationship’s health is maintained (Grieger, 2015).

This article explores conflict and its resolution in couples and other relationships, introducing key strategies and activities to help avoid or recover from any harm done.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free . These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

This Article Contains:

Is conflict resolution important for healthy relationships, how to resolve conflicts in relationships: 4 steps, 5 helpful strategies for couples & married people, 5 exercises, activities, & worksheets for couples therapy, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

Conflict need not always lead to damage. Challenge and disagreement within a relationship (romantic or otherwise) can encourage growth, deeper understanding, improved communication , and progress toward a goal (Overall & McNulty, 2017; Tatkin, 2012).

But this is not always the case.

The most critical aspect of conflict affecting the health of a relationship is its resolution. There will always be disagreement and differences of opinion of one kind or another. However, to avoid a loss of trust, damage to intimacy, or behavior that further upsets the relationship, “the couple will want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in one or both of them” (Grieger, 2015, p. 161).

Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger (2015) suggests that disagreements have four possible outcomes:

• The outcome is good for the first person, but not the second. This is a win–lose situation. One person gets what they want, while the other is left defeated, possibly feeling hurt, angry, and resentful. Such feelings may lead to further disagreements or surface in other areas of the relationship.
• The outcome benefits the second person, but not the first. This is similar to the first possible outcome, only this time it is the first person within the relationship who is left feeling thwarted or slighted (a lose–win scenario).
• The outcome is bad for both people. The third option is bad for both people; they equally face loss (lose–lose). Often a result of stubbornness on both sides when neither wants the other to ‘win,’ so neither will give in . Again, this is damaging for the relationship and, if ongoing or repeated, ultimately toxic.
• A resolution is found that is appropriate for both people. The couple or partners work toward an equally beneficial resolution and achieve a win–win outcome. Neither person is left feeling defeated or damaged, leading to increased confidence and trust in the relationship .

Undoubtedly, the fourth option is the most ideal for a long-term, healthy partnership and avoids the potential for a downward spiral in the relationship (Grieger, 2015). When in response to conflict, a win–win outcome leads to growth and moving forward.

• Step 1 – Eliminate relationship disturbances Firstly, it is vital to remove or at least reduce emotions that will get in the way of conflict resolution, such as hurt, anger, and resentment.

Otherwise, either side is unlikely to listen patiently and openly to what the other is saying.

• Step 2 – Commit to a win–win posture Each party must commit to finding a solution that works equally for both. One side winning while the other loses is not acceptable. The couple must remain motivated and open to change.
• Step 3 – Adopt purposeful listening A win–win solution is more likely when each partner is actively listening to the other. Each individual knows what a win looks like for themselves but now must purposefully listen to the other, avoiding censorship or judgment.

Once both have a shared understanding, a win–win solution is possible.

• Step 4 – Practice synergistic brainstorming The couple can progress toward identifying a workable resolution, having removed any emotional contamination, adopted a win–win mindset, and fully committed to a win for both.

The couple can share ideas, hopes, needs, goals, and concerns until finding a solution that satisfies both of them.

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Conflict can become an unhealthy habit, leading to a repeating pattern of one or both partners consistently feeling they have lost (Grieger, 2015).

It’s important to consider what brought the couple together in the first place and what they can do more or less of to show their love and understand one another better going forward.

Launching and landing rituals

Heading out to work, school, or the store is described as launching , a time when one partner leaves the relationship world for the non-relationship world (Tatkin, 2012).

Launchings and landings (returning to the relationship) can be an opportunity for conflict or the perfect chance to build healthy relationship-building habits.

Ask yourself or your client:

• Do you run out the door?
• Do you give a lingering kiss and share a moment?
• Do you return, slamming the door as you come in and ask what’s for dinner?
• Do you walk in with a smile and a funny story to tell?

What is right for one couple may not be for the next. It is essential to consider the message sent by each partner’s behavior. An enjoyable farewell and return can, in time, improve connections and reduce the risk of conflict.

Blueprint for love

Caddell (2013) describes the importance of building a blueprint for love. Conflict often arises from misunderstandings or a failure to consider the other’s needs and wishes.

Understanding what a loving relationship looks like to your partner may make it easier to recognize what upsets or frustrates them.

Use the Blueprint for Love worksheet to reflect on how a relationship’s blueprint for love might look.

The exercise begins by asking the client to think of a couple from their past who had a loving relationship. It may be their parents, or they can choose two other people who showed love, acceptance, and caring for one another. Then the person considers what they are looking for in a relationship.

Nothing swept under the rug

Conflict is often unavoidable and sometimes outside of our control. However, how we respond to disagreements, harsh words, and arguments is .

Tatkin (2012, p. 155) suggests couples should adopt the “policy never to avoid anything, no matter how difficult.” Not leaving things to fester and returning at a later date requires paying attention to one another and recognizing what is sensitive for the other person.

Aim to discuss and agree on a mutually beneficial outcome as soon as possible after an issue occurs. If that’s not possible, then agree when it can be discussed.

Revisiting the past

Sometimes couples forget what they saw in each other when they first met. Instead, they become wrapped up in repeating patterns of arguing, disagreements, and conflict.

Revisiting the past can serve as a helpful reminder of what is good about a couple and review why they are together (Williams, 2012).

Ask the couple to consider and discuss the following relationship therapy questions :

• What made you fall in love with each other?
• What were your early years like together?
• How were things better then?
• How are things better now?
• How do you currently show your partner that you care?
• What does your partner do that makes you feel loved?
• What caring behaviors can you do more of or start?

Focus on good communication

Clear, open, and complete dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship and reducing conflict. Sharing and understanding are best achieved when we are not projecting our own beliefs about a partner or what they are going to say but genuinely paying attention to verbal and nonverbal behavior (Hannah, Luquet, Hendrix, Hunt, & Mason, 2005).

Effective listening takes practice. Focus on your partner, what they have to say, and how they act; do not divide attention by looking at your phone or people passing by. Hear what they are saying and how they say it, rather than attending to your own thoughts. And crucially, be comfortable with moments of silence and practice nonjudgment.

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We often attempt to avoid or reduce conflict at all costs.

Yet this can lead to any resolution being preferable to none due to the fear or discomfort of conflict.

To break out of the lose–win, win–lose, or lose–lose pattern often experienced in a relationship, each partnership must find their own path to achieving a win–win outcome (Grieger, 2015).

The following couples therapy exercises help to remove obstacles in the way of achieving positive outcomes in order to better understand how to ensure both partners win:

Removing relationship disturbances

Ask each partner to complete the Removing Relationship Disturbances worksheet.

The exercise begins by each partner identifying existing disagreements and conflicts in their relationship and the emotional reactions that accompany them.

Couples answer the following:

• What do we disagree about?
• How do I emotionally react?
• How does my partner emotionally react?

To help with this exercise, couples can think about times when they experienced hurt, upset, anger, insecurity, and fear.

Next, they consider what they could do to remove such disturbances, being specific. What actions could resolve the problem causing these emotional reactions?

Agree to a Win–Win Mindset

Finding a better outcome to conflict requires adopting a win–win mindset. Grieger (2015) suggests rather than asking yourself, “How can I get what I want?” ask, “How can we get what we want?”

This change in approach requires a commitment from both partners to find solutions to problems that lead to mutual satisfaction.

Ask each partner to complete the Agree to a Win–Win Mindset and sign off on the following:

I, ____________________________, commit to adopting a win–win mindset where I work toward outcomes from current and future disagreements so that we both get what we want and need.

Tell them that to achieve a win–win outcome from conflicts, they need to commit to the mindset that they want to reach satisfactory results from all aspects of their relationship.

Once they have both physically signed up, put the sheet somewhere visible in the house to remind both parties that a new mindset is required throughout the relationship, now and in the future.

Listening With Purpose

To understand what a win means for the other person during conflict or a disagreement, it is essential to listen well, forming a deep understanding of their needs, hopes, fears, and wishes.

Use the Listening With Purpose worksheet to capture what winning looks like for both partners in a relationship before considering the next steps.

The couple should take some time, preferably in a place where they both feel safe and comfortable, to discuss what outcome they would like from the existing disagreement.

Without judgment and allowing each person the opportunity to talk openly, they should be able to share what they want. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer – only a true reflection of needs.

Brainstorming for Synergy

Compromise is essential in any relationship, particularly during conflict. Each partner must consider giving something up of similar value so that they meet somewhere in the middle (Grieger, 2015).

Use the Brainstorming for Synergy worksheet to encourage bouncing ideas off each other until the couple finds a win for both partners.

Capture the following:

• What is the disagreement about?
• What does a win for each person look like?
• Brainstorm ideas that could lead to mutual satisfaction.

Often, resolutions to conflict and disagreement feel like a win to both parties; this is a win–win situation. The couple’s goal should be for mutual satisfaction.

Regular Couple Check-Ups

We have regular check-ups for our physical wellbeing, so why not for our relationship health? Without regular monitoring, we don’t know if we are doing things right or wrong for the relationship and avoiding unnecessary conflict.

Grieger (2015) suggests the beginning of the month is a great time to attend to the health of the relationship. Use the Regular Couple Check-Ups worksheet to take stock honestly and openly and make plans for keeping the relationship on track or shake things up a little.

Ask each partner to consider the following questions together or apart:

• What is working well in the relationship, and what should we keep doing?
• What is working okay in the relationship that we could improve?
• What are we not doing that we need to start?
• What are we not doing so well and need to stop, improve, or replace?

The check-ups must be approached with an open, win–win mindset. This is not an opportunity to score points, but to perform a relationship health check and move forward in a positive way.

Couples therapist: 5 steps to repair conflict in your relationship

If you’re looking for more tools to help your clients strengthen their relationships, be sure to check out three of our hand-picked exercises from the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, which you can download for free in our 3 Positive Relationships Exercises Pack .

Here’s a quick snapshot of what’s included:

• Connecting with Others by Self-Disclosure In this exercise, clients practice answering questions that require personal disclosure. With one person acting as a listener while the other speaks, it is an opportunity for clients to get comfortable with the vulnerability inherent in self-disclosure as a means to strengthen intimacy and connection.
• Identifying our Expert Companions This exercise introduces clients to the notion of an expert companion as someone who can listen and help guide them through challenging times. In it, clients will discover the qualities inherent in their ideal expert companion and identify someone in their life who is best suited to fill this valuable role.
• The Sound Relationship House Inspection This exercise teaches couples the nine elements of the Sound Relationship House (SRH) as a metaphor for the functioning of their relationship. By having each partner rate their perception of the nine elements, couples will clarify areas of agreement and aspects of the relationship that would benefit from greater nurturing and attention.

Try out these powerful tools for yourself by downloading the exercise pack today.

Additional reading we recommend includes:

• 14 Conflict Resolution Strategies & Techniques for the Workplace This article about conflict resolution in the workplace is a helpful additional read, especially where couples work together. Whether it is working in the family business or working from home, these can cause conflict so be sure to have a look at this article too.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, this collection contains 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners. Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

17 Exercises To Develop Positive Communication

17 Positive Communication Exercises [PDFs] to help others develop communication skills for successful social interactions and positive, fulfilling relationships.

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Conflict is a natural part of life. While it is not always damaging, it plays an inevitable role in every relationship.

Indeed, “all couples have disagreements. It is impossible to avoid them. It is how they handle them that will make or break their relationship” (Grieger, 2015, p. 164).

While couples should try to avoid a repeating pattern of conflict, when conflict is inevitable, they should seek a solution that leaves neither party feeling unfairly treated, hurt, or angry. If the resolution leaves one person feeling slighted or resentful, it can creep into other areas of the relationship.

A win–win outcome is most likely when we commit to fairness and listen to one another with open minds and hearts. We must use what we hear and what we already know of the other person to work together and find a solution where no one is left feeling they have lost.

While it is essential to avoid unnecessary conflict, it is helpful to develop an environment in which a couple can flourish and adopt a compassionate, trusting outlook that avoids damage or aids healing when conflict is unavoidable.

These strategies, worksheets, and exercises, teamed with the desire to grow and develop as a couple, provide a way to resolve conflict and form deeper bonds.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free .

• Caddell, J. (2013). Your best love: The couple’s workbook and guide to their best relationship. Author .
• Grieger, R. (2015). The couples therapy companion: A cognitive behavior workbook . Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.
• Hannah, M. T., Luquet, W., Hendrix, H., Hunt, H., & Mason, R. C. (2005). Imago relationship therapy: Perspectives on theory . Jossey-Bass.
• Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology , 13 , 1–5.
• Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship . New Harbinger.
• Williams, M. (2012). Couples counseling: A step by step guide for therapists . Viale.

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Article feedback

What our readers think.

How do you stop the argument from going on and on and on when you’re both feeling tired, hungry or unwell? But struggle to say what you really feel and then it boils over into an argument? How do you stop it before it gets worse and worse and there is yelling?

It sounds like you’re dealing with a very common and frustrating situation. When both people are tired, hungry, or unwell, emotions can escalate quickly. A helpful approach is to pause the conversation before it spirals. You could try saying something like, “I think we’re both not in the best place to talk about this right now. Can we take a break and revisit it when we’re feeling better?” This helps acknowledge the situation without invalidating feelings and can prevent things from boiling over.

Taking care of basic needs (like eating or resting) can make a huge difference in how you both communicate.

I hope this helps!

Warm regards, Julia | Community Manager

Thank you for this beautiful article. What happens when the other party don’t want to communicate but wants some space.

Thanks for your question. Sadly, we do not have any control over the way that others choose to communicate with us. We do, however, have full agency over the way that we act in response to another person’s communication style.

It’s important to remember that a conversation probably won’t be very productive if the parties involved have different needs at that moment, so it is probably best to wait until everyone involved is ready to discuss.

-Caroline | Community Management

In my relationship, I like to resolve things quickly, but my partner tends to push things off and never takes the initiative to start these conversations. It leaves me feeling resentful, even though I want to respect his desire to take space. How is a good way of addressing this?

It’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated in this situation. Communication is crucial in any relationship, and it can be challenging when the ways you and your partner handle conflicts differ. Here are a few suggestions that might help:

– Express your feelings: Start by letting your partner know how you’re feeling, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For instance, you might say, “I feel a bit upset when we don’t resolve our disagreements promptly, and it often leaves me feeling resentful.” – Understanding each other’s needs: It’s important to understand that people have different ways of processing emotions and conflicts. Your partner might need more time to think things through, while you might prefer addressing issues immediately. Discuss these differences openly and try to understand each other’s needs. – Find a compromise: Based on your understanding of each other’s needs, try to find a middle ground. Perhaps you could agree to give your partner some space to process, but they also agree to initiate a conversation about the issue within a certain timeframe. – Seek professional help: If these conversations are difficult or if you can’t seem to find a compromise, you might find it helpful to seek guidance from a relationship counselor.

Remember, it’s perfectly normal for couples to have different conflict resolution styles. The key is to communicate openly, understand each other’s needs, and find a compromise that works for both of you.

Best of luck, Julia | Community Manager

Please help me my marriage is divorced before 1 year.i have very regret.so how I can be resolved.the problem

Hi Alemnesh,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling regret. Have you considered speaking with someone, perhaps a coach, therapist, or even a good friend, about your feelings surrounding the relationship? Of course, what to do next largely depends on the circumstances surrounding the end of the relationship, but perhaps sharing your concerns with someone you can trust may give you some insight or encouragement to help you move forward, whether that means looking to move on or trying to rekindle the relationship.

I wish you all the best.

– Nicole | Community Manager

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7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship

Rocky road? Get your love life back on track.

It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.

Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround . They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.

Relationship Problem: Communication

All relationship problems stem from poor communication, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
• If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
• Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."
• Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," they can say so, but in a nicer way.

Relationship Problem: Sex

Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."

• Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?
• Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
• If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.

Relationship Problem: Money

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.

• Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
• Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
• Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.
• Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
• Don't blame.
• Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
• Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
• Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at their discretion.
• Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
• Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores

Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out.

• Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair so no resentment builds.
• Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.

Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." " Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last .

• Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
• Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
• Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.

Relationship Problem: Conflict

Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.

You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.

• Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
• Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
• Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
• Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.

"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."

Relationship Problem: Trust

Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?

You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time.
• Do what you say you will do.
• Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
• Call when you say you will.
• Call to say you'll be home late.
• Carry your fair share of the workload.
• Don't overreact when things go wrong.
• Never say things you can't take back.
• Don't dig up old wounds.
• Respect your partner's boundaries.
• Don’t be jealous.
• Be a good listener.

Even though there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.

First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need directly," she says.

Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more.

Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and still cause problems no matter what relationship you're in.

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6 Conflict Resolution Tips for Couples

Not seeing eye-to-eye with your partner can be less stressful when you have a toolkit of conflict resolution strategies.

Conflict is natural, and it doesn’t have to be a negative force in your romantic relationship. It can facilitate learning about one another, open your mind to new ideas, and help you grow together.

When you and your partner disagree and don’t resolve the conflict, however, important topics may get pushed aside or ignored instead. Prolonged or repetitive friction or conflict can have effects similar to long-term stress, and it can slowly impact your connection.

Conflict resolution in relationships is key to lasting and meaningful bonds.

6 Tips for resolving conflict with your partner

Friction and arguments can be uncomfortable, but they don’t have to last indefinitely.

Developing specific conflict resolution strategies can help turn disagreements with your partner into growth opportunities for both.

Here are specific strategies for couples to overcome conflict and challenges:

1. Creating an atmosphere of mutual respect

Randy Brazzel , a licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston, explains that going into an argument with the goal of proving your partner wrong can be a recipe for resentment.

To settle disagreements and reach healthy conflict resolution, he recommends that both partners agree to treat each other respectfully with “fair fighting rules.”

These conflict resolution rules may include:

• no name-calling
• no raising your voice or yelling
• no direct or indirect violent behavior
• no going off-topic until it’s resolved
• looking each other in the eyes when talking
• cooling off and trying again later when things heat up

“Without feeling respected, it is hard for us to communicate openly,” says Brazzel. “If you want honest dialogue you have to treat each other with respect and kindness. Everyone wins when there is an atmosphere of mutual respect.”

Mutual respect makes room for feeling safe and cared for in the relationship.

2. Recentering when things get emotional

It’s OK to be passionate about your stance on life. Sometimes emotions can come out full force when you’re feeling challenged on that stance, though.

Heather Browne , a psychotherapist from Los Angeles, indicates stepping back from the conflict if either party is feeling overwhelmed can be important.

“Say to the other, ‘I want you to know that you are more important to me than this issue. Can you receive that?’,” advises Browne.

If you notice your partner is becoming more upset during the argument, you can also ask them, “How can I help you feel safer right now?”

These questions and statements can be important reminders — to both of you — that your partner isn’t your enemy. This is someone you care about, even in moments when you’re at odds.

Other conflict-resolution gestures Browne recommends include:

• offering a hug if that’s something you know won’t upset the other person
• telling your partner you love them
• sharing that you want to work through this but it’s OK if it takes some time
• reminding them you’re not deliberately trying to frustrate them
• offering to listen without critique

Developing emotional regulation skills can also help prevent and resolve fights with your partner.

3. Addressing protective behaviors

“While in conflict, remember that both partners are looking to protect themselves,” says Michele Paiva , a practitioner of Zen-Buddhism in Downingtown, Pennsylvania.

“We protect ourselves because inside, we are still the children we once were, and when stressed, we go to the coping strategies that we learned as a child and that continue to help us cope,” she explains.

Paiva says everyone’s protective behaviors can look different. Sometimes they can look like emotional distancing or putting up walls.

“Conflict is expected and does not mean your partner does not love you,” she adds. “In fact, all relationships brimming with love have some form of conflict.”

When you anticipate protective behaviors from your partner, Paiva indicates you’re able to respond more compassionately toward them, rather than taking it as a personal attack.

Chances are you’ve seen a pattern of protective behaviors in your partner in the past. Some common behaviors to watch for include:

• shutting down during a conversation
• emotional distancing
• defensiveness

This doesn’t mean you should allow toxic behaviors during conflict simply because you recognize them as protective behaviors. It might not be your place to call them out, either.

Consider taking these behaviors as a guide to engage or disengage at certain times.

When you do this, you may be able to recognize what’s happening without escalating the argument because you feel attacked.

If your partner’s behavior becomes unacceptable when emotions are high, it’s OK to let them know they’ve crossed a boundary and you can come back to the conversation when everyone is calm.

4. Validating feelings

“When trying to resolve an argument, it is important to validate the feelings your partner has before trying to correct any misperceptions or misunderstandings,” says Brazzel.

When you tell someone they’re wrong at the start, it may only make them feel misunderstood and unheard. This won’t likely lead to conflict resolution.

Acknowledging your partner’s feelings, first, can avoid starting the conflict in a state of resentment and defensiveness.

You can help validate your partner’s feelings by:

• not interrupting while they explain how they feel
• nodding while they talk
• making eye contact
• keeping a neutral or thoughtful expression
• making affirmative statements like “I understand,” “that’s a good point,” or, “yes, that makes sense.”
• thanking them for expressing their thoughts
• repeating to them what you’ve heard
• asking questions about what they said

5. Seeking the root cause of conflict

Paiva suggests taking time during conflict to question what challenges may be creating the issue.

“Freedom is the root of most happiness,” she says. “Think of social justice issues of any marginalized group; the belly of it contains an element of lack of equality; equality is freedom.

“In your relationship, in conflict, one or both individuals feel some lack of freedom. Try to look toward that, rather than the topical conflict.”

You can help uncover the root causes of conflict by asking your partner questions like:

• Do you have needs that you feel aren’t being met?
• What changes do you think would help resolve this conflict?
• How can I help you feel better/safer?
• Is there something I do that makes you feel invalidated?

6. Seeking professional help

It’s OK to ask for a professional mediator when relationship conflict feels overwhelming.

Research from 2020 suggests couples who take advantage of a mediator during relationship negotiations are more likely to reach a resolution and are more satisfied with the quality of their discussions.

Attending couples therapy may help work on specific strategies to solve conflicts in the relationship and also prevent them.

Let’s recap

Even the strongest and healthiest relationships may face conflict from time to time. It’s natural to not always share thoughts and opinions with your partner, or to have arguments from time to time.

How you approach conflict resolution in your relationship, however, may directly impact the health of your bond.

Broadening your conflict resolution skills can help you and your partner approach disagreements with kindness and compassion, rather than with resentment and defensiveness.

5 sources collapsed

• Bogacz F, et al. (2020). Improved conflict resolution in romantic couples in mediation compared to negotiation. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41599-020-00622-8
• Brazzel R. (2022). Personal interview.
• Brown H. (2022). Personal interview.
• Paiva M. (2022). Personal interview.
• Newsome JT, et al. (2008). Stable negative social exchanges and health. https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0278-6133.27.1.78

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5 Steps to Fight Better if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For

• Est. reading time: 8 min.

Conflict is inevitable in every relationship . Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book After the Honeymoon : “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” However, Dr. Gottman has found that nearly 1/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach.

The popular approach to conflict resolution, advocated by many marriage therapists, is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, listen to what they say, and communicate with empathy that you understand their perspective. It’s a decent method if you can do it.

But most couples can’t. Even happily married couples. After studying couples for the last 40 years, Dr. John Gottman has recognized that even happy couples do not follow the experts’ rules of communication.

By studying what these couples did, Dr. Gottman developed a new model for solving your solvable problems in an intimate relationship.

Step 1: Soften Your Start-Up

How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. Watch how a harsh start-up influences this conversation:

Kim: Once again, I come home from work and have to pick up after you. (criticism) Kris: Here we go again. I’m such a slob, right? I clean the kitchen counters all the time. Kim: Then why do I have to remind you to clean the dishes in the sink or take out the trash? It’s frustrating when our house smells disgusting! Don’t worry about it today. I already did it, or were you too busy browsing Facebook to notice? (contempt) Kris: Hey. Come on. I hate cleaning. I know you do, too. I have an idea. (repair attempt) Kim rolls her eyes. (more contempt) Kris: I think we need some connection. Let’s take a vacation so you can be waited on? Kim: Seriously? We can’t afford a maid, much less a vacation.

A harsh start-up begins with the Four Horsemen  and causes flooding and increased emotional distance that can strain the marriage.

Soft start-ups do not contain the Four Horsemen. When a partner starts the conversation gently, it communicates respect and causes both partners to feel positive about themselves and their marriage.

Here are some suggestions to ensure your start-up is soft:

• Take responsibility. “I share some responsibility for this…”
• Complain without blame and state a positive need. “Here’s how I feel…about a specific situation and here’s what I need…” (positive need, not what you don’t need)
• Start with “I” instead of “You.” I statements are less critical and don’t make the listener as defensive as “you” statements.
• Describe what is happening. Don’t judge or blame. Communicate what you see will help your partner from feeling attacked.
• Be polite. Use “please” and “I would appreciate it if…”
• Be appreciative. Recognize what you appreciate in your partner.
• Don’t let things build up. If you do, it’ll escalate in your mind until you blow-up.

The secret to avoiding harsh start-ups is to work on the first four principles in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . If your spouse tends to start conflicts harshly, make sure they are feeling known, respected, loved, and that you are willing to accept influence. So pay attention to minor bids for connection.

When “It’s your turn to take out the garbage, can you take it out please?” is ignored, your partner’s request may escalate to “What is wrong with you? Are you deaf? Take out the garbage.”

If you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to get either war or retreat on your partner’s part instead of a productive discussion. See how a softened start-up compares.

Kim: I feel like our house is a mess and we’re having family over tonight. (describing) I’m angry cause I feel like I am doing all the cleaning by myself. I should have asked sooner (taking responsibility) . I need you to help me vacuum the living room? (positive need) . Kris: I understand. I hate cleaning up too and I’d be willing to vacuum and even clean the bathroom for you. Kim: You’re such a big help. (appreciation) . Thank you love. (politeness) Kris: After the family is gone, let’s go out for our favorite ice cream! Kim: I’m so in!

Step 2: Learn to Send and Receive Repair Attempts

When Kris said, “I clean the kitchen counters all the time” Kim could have said, “You’re right, you do.” Doing this would have been a repair attempt and de-escalated the tension, allowing Kris to be more receptive to finding a solution.

Think of a repair attempt as slamming on the brakes when you see a red light. You do this to avoid a collision that could harm your marriage.

The difference between stable, emotionally intelligent marriages and unhappy ones is not that repair attempts are better, but that the repair attempts get through to the spouse. Repair attempts require two people – the person offering the repair and one accepting it.

Repair attempts often start before a repair is made. It is dependent on the state of the relationship. Happy couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy marriages, even amazing repair attempts fall on deaf ears.

Sometimes repair attempts seem negative, “That’s not what we are talking about” or “Stop! This is getting out of control.” If your relationship is swimming in an ocean of negativity, repair attempts will be difficult to hear.

In The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work , Dr. Gottman has a list of repair attempts that may feel unnatural at first but provide you the vocabulary to naturally repair conflict before it harms your marriage. I’d recommend starting with a low-intensity conflict when practicing repair attempts to help you resolve an issue in your marriage.

Step 3: Soothe Yourself and Each Other

In unstable marriages, conflict discussions can lead to flooding, which make repair attempts physically impossible to hear. If you or your partner feel flooded, take a 20-30 minute break and focus on the positives of your relationship by yourself. This “forced” relaxation will do wonders for your marriage.

I recommend learning how to soothe each other. Ask yourself and each other the following questions:

• What makes us feel flooded?
• How do we bring up issues or complaints?
• Do we hold things in, rather than share them? If so, why do you think that is?
• When you feel flooded, is there something I can do to soothe you?
• How do you think you could soothe me when I feel flooded?
• What signals can we send each other when we feel flooded so we can take breaks and soothe each other?

Step 4: Compromise

Compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. Compromise is not one person changing. It’s about negotiating and discovering ways to accommodate each other. Compromise is impossible unless you accept your partner’s flaws. Marriages can be weighed down by the “if only…” my partner was richer, sexier, or more emotionally expressive. Unlike cherishing your partner, which nurtures gratefulness for what you have, “if only” nurtures resentfulness towards your partner. This makes conflict impossible to solve.

Compromise is about accepting influence from your partner. Research shows that men tend to struggle with this more than women. If you are willing to accept influence, working with each other becomes way easier.

Step 5: Address Emotional Injuries

Arguments can leave emotional wounds even when a couple resolves an issue. This is perfectly normal and requires talking about or “processing.” Sometimes it’s about how you were fighting, not what you were fighting about Dr. Gottman has a powerful exercise on page 188 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that will help heal these emotional injuries.

Mastering these general problem-solving skills will lead you to discover that many of your problems will find their own solutions. Once you can overcome the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are easier to resolve. But remember: these solutions work only for problems that can be solved. If compromise seems impossible, then the problem you are struggling with is likely perpetual .

If you want more learn more about how approaching arguments the right way to help you solve your solvable problems and manage the perpetual ones, subscribe below and get your free copy, A Better Way to Fight .

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Kyle is a couples therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.  He loves nerding out on the science of relationships. When not highlighting research on a Sunday morning in his bathrobe, Kyle enjoys writing for his blog  Kylebenson.net  where  he takes the research on successful relationships and transforms them into practical tools for romantic partners.

• Publish Date: October 21, 2016
• Last Updated: April 16, 2024

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Relationships

Healthy relationships are characterized by love and respect. Whether you are single, in a long-term partnership, or recently divorced, it's important to understand your communication style, how you behave in relationships, and how to feel more secure in your love life, friendships, and family relationships. Explore resources that'll help you create open conversations, identify issues, and much more.

Foundations of a Strong Relationship

Frequently asked questions.

While some issues, such as abuse or infidelity, may be instant relationship dealbreakers, other issues such as a lack of love, communication problems, lack of respect and trust, or growing apart may also be signs a relationship is in trouble.

Infidelity doesn't always mean the end of a relationship, but there are a number of things to consider when a partner has been unfaithful, such as the nature of the cheating, your partner's remorse, and whether or not you feel you can forgive or trust them moving forward.

Research supports the benefits of couples counseling, which can help change patterns of interaction, communication, your emotional connection, and how you handle conflict with your partner.

Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy that can help you and a partner improve your relationship. It has been shown to help improve communication, problem solving, and more.

Codependency is a mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual reliance on a partner, friend, or family member, who in turn uses that reliance to fulfill their own needs. It is generally considered an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Libido is your sexual appetite or drive. It can be impacted by hormones, brain function, learned behaviors, and fluctuate based physical and mental health conditions such as stress or depression.

An emotional affair is when a person in a relationship invests significant time and energy in a friendship outside of that relationship to its detriment. While not sexually intimate, an emotional affair is often considered to be a form of cheating.

Narcissism is a personality style marked by self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. In relationships, a narcissistic partner may lead you to feel manipulated and unloved and your needs unmet

Attachment refers to the way you interact and behave in relationships. Believed to develop in childhood, your attachment style may impact your ability to have close, secure, long-lasting relationships.

Explore Relationships

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How To Deal With Unresolved Issues In A Relationship: 16 Effective Tips

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Get expert help dealing with the unresolved issues in your relationship. Click here to chat online to someone right now.

Problems can’t be swept under the rug forever. At some point, they will come out and create a mess that will be hard to clean up.

Unresolved issues in a relationship could turn your fights over trivial things into arguments about something else you’ve been ignoring.

Suppose you find yourself constantly having the same fight over and over again or resenting each other for something that happened before. In that case, you likely have unresolved issues that need to be addressed.

Keep reading for some steps to deal with unresolved problems in your relationship.

1. Know that your feelings are valid.

Are you denying yourself the right to feel angry at your partner or upset about something they do? Or something they have done before?

To deal with the problems in your relationship, start by allowing yourself to feel those emotions. Don’t think that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

Whatever you feel is okay, and you probably have justified reasons for the way you feel. If you try to bottle up your feelings instead, they will eventually spill out.

You don’t want to end up resenting your partner because you were too afraid to speak up about what’s bothering you. After all, that’s how unresolved problems stay unresolved.

You have to talk about your feelings with your partner. Start by acknowledging and validating them. You have the right to feel whatever you’re feeling, and your partner should be aware of it. Acknowledging your feelings is necessary if the issues that are causing those feelings are to go away.

2. Keep in mind that all relationships have problems.

You shouldn’t feel so bad about having problems in your relationship.

After all, all relationships experience difficulties. You and your partner shouldn’t beat yourselves up about not being able to have a “perfect relationship.” You are not perfect, and your relationship can’t be perfect either. The problems you’re experiencing aren’t a negative reflection of you; they are just something you have to work through together.

As long as you’re both willing to work on it, anything can be improved or at least managed.

In fact, it’s essential to understand that some things have to be managed and can’t be fully resolved. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner if you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem. Learn to accept what you cannot change and find ways to cope with it if it’s not a deal breaker.

Sometimes, there are things that you have to learn to live with if you want to continue a relationship. It’s not the end of the world if a problem persists. As already mentioned, no relationship is without flaws.

If you care about your partner and you can’t seem to fix the issue, it might be time to set new and reasonable expectations.

3. Remember that conflict is normal.

There are conflicts in all relationships from time to time. The important thing to remember is that they are rarely the fault of only one person. Try not to play the blame game and accept that you’ve both played a part in creating the problem instead.

Accept that you have different points of view and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. It’s helpful to have a proactive problem-solving attitude when it comes to conflicts. Instead of shutting down, criticizing your partner, or trying to prove them wrong, seek to make progress.

Try to be calm during conflicts because an argument shouldn’t include yelling and name-calling . If you change your attitude towards conflicts and improve how you fight, it will be easier to resolve issues.

It’s always helpful to limit accusations and aggressive attitudes. Just remember that being assertive in an argument is not the same as being aggressive.

Communicating well is a necessary part of resolving any issues, and it includes proper communication even while you’re upset or angry at each other. Try to look at conflicts as a means to an end. You are not fighting to prove a point or prove your partner wrong. You’re fighting to solve a problem.

4. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you care about your partner.

The unresolved problems in your relationship are probably bothering you. They make you feel negatively toward your partner and the relationship.

To counter these feelings, try to outweigh the negative with the positive.

Think about why you care about your partner before addressing the issue. This will help keep you calm and focused on finding solutions during conflicts. If you want to stay with your partner and save the relationship, you want to have positive feelings to motivate you.

If something has been bothering you for a while now, you might be harboring negative emotions that make you see your partner differently. So, remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and recall their good qualities.

Even if you have many problems in your relationship, if you care about each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Remind yourself why your partner is worth the trouble before you embark on a journey to solve your problems. Understand that it might take time before things are the way you’d want them to be. You don’t want to harbor negative feelings toward your partner during the time it takes to fix things.

Focus on your partner’s positive traits. Focus on everything that you love about them. It will give you the strength to fight for the relationship and the ability to remain calm enough to discuss the problems with them.

5. Identify the issues in your relationship.

So, there are problems, but are you sure you know what they are?

Are your fights really about the topic you’re fighting about? Or are they about something else that you’re trying to ignore?

Maybe you’re still upset about something that happened before. Perhaps you’re not quite sure what the problem is exactly.

Take some time to identify the issues in your relationship. It might help to talk to someone you trust about them. You could also talk to a therapist who could help you get to the root of the problem.

Maybe there is something that you thought you’d forgiven your partner for, but you’re actually still upset about it. Perhaps you are not even aware of the underlying issue that you’re upset about.

For instance, maybe you think you’re upset because your partner spends a lot of money, but you’re really upset about not being involved in financial decisions. Maybe your partner cheated on you, and you tried to forgive them, but you are still bitter about it.

Whatever the problem is in your relationship, you should spend some time thinking about it. Always try to dig deeper.

What’s on the surface might not be the real issue you’re dealing with, and you can’t fix it if you don’t know what it is exactly.

6. Consider whether the issues are deal breakers.

Not all problems are created equal. Some problems can be lived with. Others ought to spell the end of your relationship.

Ask yourself: can you live with the unresolved issues in your relationship if they happen to stay unresolved? Or are there deal breakers that you’re not willing to settle for?

Be honest with yourself and clear about what you can and can’t tolerate. If you can live with the problems in your relationship, focus on finding ways to thrive in it despite them.

If you have tried fixing them and can’t live with them, you should consider ending the relationship. Not everything can be repaired, and sometimes that’s an uncomfortable realization.

Can you stay with your partner if things don’t change? Have you tried changing them?

Keep in mind that you should be realistic when considering this. Don’t expect things to be perfect with your next partner.

If there are actual deal breakers, it might be best to end things. But if you want to end things because you’re hoping for a perfect relationship with no issues, think about it some more. There will always be problems in any relationship. It’s just a question of which you can tolerate or fix and which you can’t.

7. Consider whether there’s a bright side to it all.

Problems are inherently bad, but there’s usually a bright side. Look at things from a different perspective to see if there’s something positive in all that mess.

For instance, if you hate that you can’t count on your partner, remind yourself how much you love their spontaneity and independence. If the problem is that the relationship has gotten boring, keep in mind that it is also safe and comforting to know you can depend on someone.

Try to look at your specific problem this way, and you might discover that the issue is not as serious as it seems.

When you look at things from a negative perspective, they can feel very overwhelming. Try to maintain a positive attitude and look at things from both sides. Everything usually has upsides and downsides. If you can’t fix the problem it will be helpful to know how to make it work for you and take advantage of its bright side.

8. Don’t assume that your partner doesn’t care about you.

When you’re upset because of the problems in your relationship, you could start thinking that your partner doesn’t care about you. But do you have any evidence to support that theory, or is it clear that your partner cares about you?

Your relationship can survive the problems you’re experiencing if you both want to make it work. Don’t start thinking that the relationship is doomed. Negative thoughts like these can make you see the bad in everything.

If you want to stay in your relationship, always try to have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude towards problems can help you realize that they’re not as big as they seem.

Having a positive attitude will help you work on the issues in your relationship and communicate with your partner more efficiently – even during arguments. The worst thing that could happen if you try this approach is that you’ll be a happier person. Try to see the good in everything.

Unless you have proof that your partner doesn’t care about you, don’t assume it just because you’re struggling with an issue in your relationship. If you believe your relationship is doomed, it probably will be at some point in the future. So try not to make problems more significant than they already are.

9. Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts.

The reason the problems you’re experiencing are left unattended may be because you’re scared to speak up about them.

Maybe you are too worried that your partner will get mad at you, or you think that they’ll shut down. Perhaps you’re assuming they’ll say that you’re overreacting or that you’re making a fuss over nothing.

If you can’t talk to your partner about the problems in your relationship, that’s just another problem that’s preventing you from resolving the rest of them.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your partner what’s on your mind. Take some time to think about what you will say before talking to them, especially if you’re worried that you’ll say something wrong.

However, try not to be afraid to speak your mind around them. A relationship where you can’t be honest or discuss problems isn’t a healthy one.

Maybe this is the issue you should address first. You should feel comfortable enough around your partner to speak up about what’s bothering you, so find the courage to do that. You can’t say anything wrong around someone who loves you enough to listen to the entire story.

10. Communicate about the unresolved issues.

You can’t keep postponing the conversation that you need to have with your partner. Talk to them about the problems in your relationship and try to find a way to solve them together.

If you can’t talk about the issue, there is no way you could fix it. Open up to them and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what’s been bothering you. Help your partner see things from your point of view and consider their perspective too. Don’t point fingers or turn the conversation into a big fight. By remaining calm and assertive, it will be easier to get the message across.

You want to fix the problems in your relationship, not create new ones, and your partner should understand that. Try to be empathetic and listen to your partner’s side of the story without criticizing or blaming them. Let them open up to you and share their thoughts and feelings about the issues too.

If you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, seek the help of a relationship counselor and improve your communication skills. Don’t forget that you need to talk about the problems if you want to fix them.

11. Be prepared to forgive, negotiate, and compromise.

Some problems can be resolved simply by forgiving each other for the mistakes you’ve made so far. Be prepared and willing to let go of any resentment and truly forgive your partner, even if they have hurt you a lot. You will also need to be prepared to negotiate and make compromises.

Things might not work out exactly the way you’ve imagined, but things could get better. If your partner shows that they are willing to work on the relationship and meet you halfway, accept that. It might not resolve the issue, but it could make it easier to tolerate it. As long as they address your concerns to some extent, you will be on the right track, and that would be enough for now.

You can’t expect things to change overnight. Working on a relationship takes time, and it’s all about the small steps. You’ll get there as long as you’re looking in the same direction and walking side by side. Don’t insist that the problem be fixed immediately or expect it to happen.

Try to find happiness if you’re making progress and if your partner is willing to do something about it. Progress alone might not be enough in the long run, but it’s a huge step forward for now.

12. Work on your friendship.

To be great partners to each other, you also need to be good friends.

Work on building your friendship. Engage in fun activities together, discover shared interests, share a hobby, and go on regular dates. There are lots of fun ideas for quality time together – both inside and outside the home. And using them will help you work on the problems in your relationship.

Don’t only be romantic partners – be a team, be best friends, and work on improving your love life together. Start talking more and opening up to each other if you’ve been having trouble with that.

Most importantly, laugh more and remind yourselves of all the reasons why you enjoy each other’s company. Make each other feel loved, appreciated, and cherished.

If you can be friends and work as a team, you can do anything, including resolving your issues. So, work on deepening the bond, strengthening the connection, and truly becoming good friends that enjoy being around each other.

13. Don’t sweep problems under the rug.

Problems don’t go away when you choose to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. Start addressing issues in your relationship as soon as they appear. The sooner you fix them, the better.

What’s the point in postponing it until the problem gets bigger and more difficult to manage?

The most important part of all of this is being friends, talking about issues calmly, and working on them together. When you fight, don’t spend days not talking to each other or pouting. Have a grown-up discussion about your problems as soon as you can calmly talk about them.

If your relationship is going to last, you’ll need to figure out which issues need managing and which need resolving. Look at this as a training period for what’s yet to come.

The fact that there’ll always be some problems shouldn’t scare you; that’s just life. If you have the right attitude and effective communication in your relationship, you can overcome it all together.

14. Find ways to work on the problem together.

Remind yourself that both of you took part in creating the problem. Therefore, it’s your joint responsibility to solve it. It takes two to tango, so accept that the current state of your relationship is not only one partner’s fault. Accept your part of the blame instead of blaming your partner for everything. This is the first step to resolving the problem together.

Your partner needs to be willing to find a way to make things work. After all, you can’t fix your relationship without them. Both of you need to put an equal amount of effort into making your relationship as happy and healthy as it can be. Encourage your partner to accept their part of the blame too.

You can set a positive example with your behavior. If your partner makes progress, acknowledge it and praise them for it. Don’t forget – you’re in this together.

15. Accept your differences but work on improving yourselves.

Not all problems have a solution; you might have to accept that you and your partner have your differences. You won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s normal. Again, some problems can’t be fixed, but if you can live with them, it’s worth trying to make it work with your partner.

Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and no one is a saint. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move past it. If you can’t find a way to fix something, you might find a way to accept it.

Maybe you’ll need to forgive your partner for something they did, or you’ll accept the bad with the good. Whatever the case may be, if you care about your partner and they feel the same way about you, don’t give up on the relationship because there are some difficulties.

Learn to be happy despite the difficulties. You can do that by putting effort into making each other happy. Work on improving yourself and your relationship because happy couples grow together in their relationships .

16. Talk to a relationship expert.

Ultimately, the most effective way to resolve issues in your relationship depends on the problem and your specific situation. Talking to someone about it might be the best idea.

A relationship counselor could give you tailored advice based on your specific circumstances. You can speak to one with or without your partner. It might be best to try out a session on your own and include your partner after the counselor is familiar with the issue.

By all means, seek the help of your loved ones as well. However, know that an experienced professional might be more objective and give you better insights into the problem.

When you want to improve your relationship, you should use all the help you can get, and there’s no shame in talking to a counselor.

If this is something you feel is right for you, speak to one of the relationships experts at Relationship Hero . You can connect with them via video, phone, or instant message to get the help and advice you need.

Click here to learn more or to talk to someone right now.

You may also like:

• How To Deal With Resentment In Your Relationship: 12 No Nonsense Tips
• Bringing Up The Past In Arguments: Dealing With It + How To Stop Doing It
• 9 No Nonsense Tips To Help You Through Hard Times In Your Relationship
• “My Partner Annoys Me” – 12 Tips If This Is You
• How To Be Patient In A Relationship: 5 Highly Effective Tips
• How To Deal With Hurtful Words In A Relationship (From Both Perspectives)

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

14 Ways to Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems

By Sari Harrar

Updated Jun. 23, 2017

When problem-solving everyday issues becomes a tug-of-war over who’s right and who’s wrong, then settling even the smallest of discussions

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When problem-solving everyday issues becomes a tug-of-war over who’s right and who’s wrong, then settling even the smallest of discussions becomes a battle. “A better alternative is what I call the win-win waltz,” says marriage expert Susan Heitler, Ph.D., author of The Power of Two . “We toss information back and forth, we have an ‘aha!’ moment, and we come up with solutions that work very well for both of us.”

You’ll also free yourself from the emotional and physical side effects of nasty fighting, such as feeling you’ve intimidated or dominated your mate — or that you’ve given in and given up on what you really want. You’ll have fewer tense times together, and actually improve your health. Couples who learn to solve problems constructively together cut their risk for stress-related health problems including depression, cardiovascular disease, and lowered immunity.

Step 1: Describe the Problem in a Few Words — and Let Your Partner Respond The opening round in problem-solving involves getting your overview of the issue out on the table. Don’t let it smolder or expect your partner to guess!

Example: You: “If we go to your parents’ house for the weekend, I won’t be able to get our tax return information together before the workweek starts.”

Your spouse: “My parents have been planning for this visit for months. I don’t think we can or should just cancel.”

Step 2: Look Together at Deeper Concerns This is the exploration phase. Don’t try to “sell” your point of view to your spouse. And don’t try to solve the problem just yet. Do talk about underlying worries and issues that contribute to the problem you’re trying to solve. And do listen carefully to your partner’s concerns. Keep an open mind. Learn all you can about your own concerns and your partner’s. Your goal: See the big picture and form a mental list of both partners’ concerns. This is your common set of concerns that you’ll try to resolve in Step 3.

Example: You: “I have a new deadline at work and meetings three nights this week, plus we promised to visit the neighbors on Tuesday night. The tax deadline is almost here. I’m afraid I’ll be up until 3 a.m. trying to do all this during the week. I’ll be grouchy and won’t do my best at work, and I won’t be very interested in socializing with our neighbors or contribute much to the meetings. I’m feeling squeezed.”

Your spouse: “I really want to see my parents before they leave for their vacation. I haven’t spent much time with them in several months. Plus, my mother invited my aunt and uncle over to see us, too. It’s important to me to be with my parents for more than a short visit, and to feel at home. I’d like you to see them, too, and be with me for the big family dinner.”

Step 3: Craft a Win-Win Strategy Look for steps you can take to resolve the issue for both of you. This is crucial: Don’t tell your partner what he or she can do, but instead say what you can do. The best solutions usually aren’t your first ideas at all but may occur to you after looking at your concerns and figuring out what matters most to each of you.

Example: You: “Maybe I could stay at home on Friday night and Saturday morning and get the tax stuff organized. Then I’d join you for the rest of the weekend without any worries hanging over me.”

Your spouse: “I would be willing to tell my parents you have to catch up with the taxes and can’t come for the whole weekend. I’m also willing to postpone our night out with the neighbors during the week and help you get the tax information together.”

10 More Tips to Help Avoid a Fight

Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference. If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that the two of you are two different people. Perhaps you’re an extrovert and love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or her crave quiet nights at home. Perhaps you’re great at starting projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are marriage-strengthening assets.

1. Pick the right time. Problem solving is least likely to work when you’re tired, hungry, overloaded, stressed, distracted, or trying to do something else at the same time, such as making dinner, catching up on work from the office, or relaxing in front of the TV. Save big talks for a better time.

2. Practice loving acceptance. Learning the art of accepting and valuing your partner for who he or she is — instead of grousing about shortcomings — may actually help the two of you find better solutions to problems, experts say. This loving accommodation melts defenses and motivates us to want to please each other.

3. Banish the deal-breakers. University of Washington relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., advises couples to do all they can to avoid these lethal habits: personal criticism, sneering contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

4. Give your mate the benefit of the doubt. The next time you’re feeling disappointed, hurt, or angry with your spouse, pause before jumping to conclusions. Maybe your spouse is tired, hungry, or preoccupied — or doesn’t see the impact of his or her actions. Search for a benevolent explanation that will allow you to treat your mate with love and respect.

5. Beware of ice. A University of Wisconsin study that followed 97 newlywed couples into their third year of marriage found that spouses who give their mates the cold shoulder cause as much marital distress as those who dish out scathing sarcasm and caustic criticism. Icy behavior included pouting, stomping out of the room, showing a lack of interest in a partner’s emotional revelations, and more subtle brush-offs such as changing the subject, joking, or even buttering up a spouse to avoid discussing a sticky subject.

6. Learn from successful wives and husbands. Dr. Gottman says wives can improve the odds for a fruitful problem-solving session by starting conversations without confrontation. Try a “soft start-up” by talking about how you feel and asking for your mate’s input, instead of criticizing, blaming, or turning anger up to top volume. In contrast, husbands contributed to better conflict resolution when they accepted their wife’s influence. That means taking her opinions, ideas, and plans into consideration and developing a joint solution instead of a unilateral plan.

7. Seize the small opportunities. Practice problem-solving skills when tiny issues arise. “Moments with little bits of tension are perfect opportunities to work on your skills and experience success,” Dr. Heitler says. “Talk about each of your concerns; look for solutions. The more you do this, the more the whole tone of your relationship changes. Problems become a chance to come closer together and show each other how much we care, instead of danger zones full of irritation and hurt feelings.”

8. Be patient with yourself — and your mate. Learning problem-solving skills takes time. It’s a big job. You’re attempting to rewrite lessons about conflict resolution that you learned in childhood, and to practice new ways of communicating in highly emotional situations. Give yourself and your spouse credit for even the smallest steps forward — each improvement will propel you toward the next.

9. Be an equal-time advocate. Making sure each of you has the same opportunity to discuss concerns and solution ideas creates a sense of equality and shared power. If you tend to dominate, speak a little less and listen longer. Encourage your partner to say more. If you feel you’re getting short shrift, gently hold your ground if your partner interrupts or tries to move the discussion along too swiftly.

10. Take time-outs early and often. As soon as one of you feels too upset or negative to follow healthy problem-solving steps, it’s time to take a break. Experts say agreeing ahead of time to take a time-out if one partner becomes overwhelmed is crucial for avoiding a downward spiral you’ll only regret later. Include in your agreement the understanding that you’ll get back to your discussion within 24 hours. Some couples use a sports signal, such as the “T” sign coaches use, to indicate they need a break. Stop the discussion right away (no negotiating!), go to separate rooms or outdoors and calm down. Take a walk, read a book, cook a meal. Don’t spend your time ruminating about the conversation or having bad thoughts about your spouse. Before you talk again, first share an everyday activity together to re-establish a close, calm connection, Heitler suggests.

Five Ways to Sidestep a Fight These strategies can stop a fight before it starts.

• See things from your partner’s point of view.
• Count to 50 before you say anything incendiary. This pause will help you calm down just long enough to think better of it.
• Don’t throw verbal bombs. Avoid put-downs, personal attacks, judgments, criticism, and blaming — as well as sulking, interrupting, and stomping out of the room.
• Ask yourself if you can — and should — solve the problem on your own.
• Skip heavy conversations before breakfast and from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. to 6 p.m. — because nobody should argue on an empty stomach. And ban problem-solving talks after about 8 p.m. Fatigue starts many fights!

Three Ways to Defuse a Runaway Argument These tension-tamers can short-circuit an argument that’s getting too hot to handle.

• Use anger as a red-alert sign to stop the discussion. Walk away and use meditation, exercise, or another pleasant activity to de-stress.
• Reconnect frequently during tough conversations. Use empathy and appreciation to stay close to your spouse. And be on the lookout for your spouse’s attempts to heal or avoid breaches.
• Soothe yourself and your spouse. Breathe deeply, slow down the conversation, and take a few minutes to review all the positive steps you’ve taken together to solve the problem already. Share your feelings. The more effectively you can soothe yourself and each other, the more productive your problem-solving session can be.

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Originally Published: May 10, 2010

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30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

Jeannie Sytsma, AMFT, works for Relationship Reality 312 in downtown Chicago. At this highly-respected private practice she works mainly with couples who are experiencing... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

In This Article

Even the best of relationships run into problems sometimes. You’re both tired from work, or the kids are in trouble at school, or your in-laws are getting on your last nerve…you know how it goes.

Life throws all kinds of challenges at a relationship, from relocation to redundancy to illness. No wonder problems arise in even the strongest relationships.

To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems.

When do relationships start to have common relationship problems?

For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades. As time passes and both parties of the relationship make their fair share of mistakes, what was once intoxicating becomes intolerable.

Much of the common relationship issues that couples face are minor and can easily be avoided with mutual effort, understanding and respect. Although bumps along the path of marriage are unavoidable, if you are aware of them beforehand, you will be able to overcome them without leading your relationship to the verge of collapse.

None of us are perfect, nor will we exactly be the same on every level.

Some character flaws, on the other hand, will be natural and acceptable. But if there are behaviors, perhaps a little lie here or an indiscretion there, it’s essential to consider that on a grander scale as the relationship progresses.

Is that an ongoing problem you want to work through continually, or does that constitute a deal-breaker? Something to consider.

10 causes of common relationship issues

What can destroy a relationship ? Many of the problems couples come to me for, seem to stem from issues that either cause or intensify their problems. But once couples learn how to address these two issues, everything else seems to start falling into place also.

Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems:

Expectations

One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet expectations.

But, there are typically two common relationship problems with expectations in a relationship:

• unrealistic expectations
• unclear expectations

Oftentimes, couples struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they are simply unrealistic. It’s important to understand that our expectations often derive from other people, past experiences, beliefs, or internal values. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are sometimes very toxic to our relationship. 

Alternatively, couples sometimes struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they simply don’t know what the other one expects from them or in their relationship. 

Now, maybe you are pretty certain about what YOU expect from your relationship and your partner, but that doesn’t mean that your partner can read your mind, which means they most likely have no clue what you expect. 

If you want to avoid unhappiness in your relationship, it is your responsibility to be very clear about your expectations and share those with your partner. 

If in doing so, you come to realize that some of your expectations might be slightly unrealistic, or even impossible to meet, you might want to review where that expectation comes from and what is more important – being unrealistic or being happy.

2. Communication

One of the most common relationship issues that couples face is communication. There is often either a complete absence of communication, constant miscommunication , or very poor communication. The end result is almost always frustration, unhappiness, and unmet needs. Many times the root cause of the communication issue is in “interpretation.” 

You misunderstand what the other person is saying and spend too much time and energy arguing a point your partner never intended. It’s a futile exercise. It is, therefore, essential to take the time to fully comprehend what your partner is trying to say. 

Also, if you’re the one talking, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating clearly and exactly what you mean so that your partner can understand. You need to recognize the fact that their perspective is not the same as yours.

Their experiences, points of view, and even baggage are not the same as yours. But good communication demands empathy. It’s to see the world through their eyes as much as possible and then treat them the way that you would treat yourself.

3. Unsupportive partner

Another common relationship problem occurs when a partner is unsupportive of goals and interests. When you are in a relationship, you want to treat your partner like they can be whatever they want to be. 

You want them to follow their dreams and will do anything you can to help support them along the way – and you expect the same in return!

4. Finances

One of the most common relationship problems couples will admit to are troubles in the relationship with finances. Not having enough money or not knowing how to split your financial burdens , as well as loss of jobs, a lack of money, poor money management, debt, and overspending are all common issues that can put pressure on relationships.

Discuss your finances when your relationship gets serious, and be honest about any debt you may have. Rely on one another if money gets tight and never stop communicating.

5. Cheating and other forms of infidelity

Cheating is a huge issue in relationships today. The internet has made all forms of cheating as simple as downloading an app. Sexting, emotional affairs , porn, sneaking around, and physical relationships with someone other than your romantic partner are all huge issues that damage relationships, sometimes irreversibly.

Infidelity is a hard subject to broach with your romantic partner, but it is in the best interest of your relationship to let your partner know when you are emotionally or physically checking out. You owe it to yourself to give your relationship another shot. Get your issues out in the open either with date nights or regular honest communication or seek couples counseling to help mend your relationship.

6. Not enough time spent alone

Some of the common relationship problems involve not spending enough time alone together. This is especially true for couples who have children. Between work and family obligations, you sometimes feel more like roommates than romantic partners . This is because you have stopped ‘dating’ one another. Such circumstances can make a romantic partner feel unappreciated, unattractive, and emotionally frustrated.

Call up your favorite babysitter and establish a child-free date night once a week with your spouse. This allows you to reconnect as a couple instead of as parents. Go on dates and treat one another like you’re still trying to woo each other.

Boredom is a common problem in long-term relationships. Being with the same person for many years can seem to take the ‘spark’ out of your union. You may also feel you have outgrown one another. Don’t despair or give up. 

You can reverse this feeling by looking for new ways to connect with your partner. Look for new things to do together such as travel or take up a hobby. This will help you bond over something fun and exciting.

8. Sexual intimacy

As the years go by and your relationship becomes seasoned, there will likely be a point where your sexual flame will dim. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why you or your partners in sex has dwindled, but no matter what the cause is, this decrease in sexual intimacy tends to cause common relationship issues.

In order to avoid such problems, there are a few important things that you should consider:

• As you spend more and more time with someone, the act of sex becomes predictable. In most cases, the more predictable the sex, the less fun it is to have. Think about your favorite movie for a second. When you first saw it, you were enthralled. You watched it over and over again, enjoying every viewing. 

But after 10, 20, or 30 times seeing the same plotline play out, you only pulled it out for special occasions. Your sex life is just like that favorite movie. So, spice things up . Your favorite movie’s plotline is set in stone. The plotline between you and your spouse’s sexual experience can be changed any time you want it to. 

Get creative, get ambitious, and understand that it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just that, although you enjoy having sex, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Try something new today.

• Your expectations for your sex life may be a bit unrealistic. As your sex life loses steam, you likely are replacing more love and appreciation in the void left behind. Instead of harping on the lack of sex you’re having , take a moment and be grateful for the person you get to lay your head down next to.

9. The anger habit

The anger habit soon gets ingrained, and before you know it, you’re spending a large chunk of time fighting with your partner.

Think about it – if someone is angry and shouting at you, how likely are you to listen carefully and look for a solution?

Most people, understandably, react to anger with either anger or fear.

10. Not consulting each other

Let your partner know that they are a priority to you by consulting them before you make decisions.

Big decisions like whether to take a new job or move to a new city are obvious life choices that should be discussed with your spouse.

But don’t forget to include them in smaller decisions such as who picks up the kids tonight, making plans with friends for the weekend, or whether you eat dinner together or grab something for yourself.

10 signs of relationship problems that hurt the most

All relationships have their highs and lows, even the happiest of ones. There is no escaping them, and if not dealt with accurately, they can lead your relationships towards absolute chaos and destruction.

Here are 10 signs your relationship is having problems:

• You both spend less amount of time together
• There is minimal communication
• You both are critical of each other
• One partner indicates that the relationship is not going well
• Differences of opinions are criticized than worked upon
• You both are always defensive in front of each other
• You both have stopped discussing long-term plans
• You set other priorities over your relationship
• Maintaining the relationship feels like a duty
• You are happier when they are not around and vice versa

30 relationship problems and solutions

Now, how to solve relationship issues?  

Common relationship issues are not hard to solve; all you need for that is a strong will to work on your relationship issues, and love , of course.

Here are some common marriage problems and the solutions for how to resolve your relationship problems that you should know about.

When wondering about how to solve relationship problems, it can be useful to read first and then bring the conversation up about how to handle relationship problems with your partner.

1. Lack of trust

Lack of trust is a major problem in any relationship.

Lack of trust isn’t always related to infidelity – it can rear its head any time. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner or wondering if they’re truthful with you, it’s time to tackle your trust issues together .

Relationship problems will keep mushrooming when there is a dearth of trust in a relationship.

Solution : 

Be consistent and trustworthy. Each of you should make an effort to be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’re going to do. This is one of the best solutions to marriage problems.

Call when you say you’ll call. Never lie to your partner. Showing empathy and respect for your partner’s feelings also helps to build trust.

2. Overwhelm

When life gets too much, you get overwhelmed. Maybe you’re in the midst of going after a promotion at work. Maybe they’re dealing with a troubled teenage son or daughter.

Whatever the reason, your relationship soon takes a back seat. Then relationship problems keep building up.

Solution: 

Talk to each other about what’s happening, and about what kind of support each of you needs .   Lean on each other instead of getting so caught up in other issues that they drive a wedge between you. 

Figure out together a time that will be just for you two.

3. Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. It also leads to one or both of you feeling unheard and invalidated and can quickly build into resentment and other common relationship issues.

Communication is a skill like any other, and learning it can make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging or interrupting, and how to get your point across without attacking.

Communicate with each other as friends, not combatants. Figure out what your communication style is and how compatible it is with your partner.

Work your way towards the solution by understanding what communication style would work better for both of you.

Also watch:

4. Not prioritizing each other

It’s so easy to take your partner for granted , especially when you have a lot of things going on. Before you know it, the only time you get together is over a hurried family dinner or while trying to get out the door in the morning.

Make time for each other every single day. No matter how busy you are, carve out fifteen or thirty minutes; that’s just for the two of you to talk and spend quiet time together.

Text regularly throughout the day. Add in a weekly date night to make sure your partner knows they’re your priority.

5. Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships .  Maybe there’s not enough. Or maybe there is enough, but they spend it while you prefer to save. Perhaps you feel they’re too tight with the purse strings.

Whatever the issue, money can quickly cause problems.

One of the tips to fix old relationship issues regarding finances is to put those good communication skills to work here and have a serious talk about money. Figure out a budget that you both agree on and stick to it.

Work out a financial plan for your future and take steps towards it together. Make crystal clear agreements and keep them.

6. Changing priorities

We all change as we move through life. Maybe you were both ambitious once, but now you’d rather live a quiet life. Perhaps your partner is no longer enthusiastic about your shared dream of buying a house by the sea.

Changing priorities can cause a lot of conflicts.

Look for what you both still have in common while allowing your partner to change and grow. Embrace who they are now instead of pining for the past.

If you have different priorities about major lifestyle issues, l ook for common ground, and compromise that you are both happy with.

7. Chore wars

It’s easy to lose your temper when it feels like you’re the one taking out the trash for the hundredth time in a row, or you get home from overtime to find the house is a tip. Chore wars are a leading cause of conflict in relationships .

Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it—factor in a little flexibility for when one of you is much busier than usual.

If you both have different ideas of what constitutes a neat home, it might be time for a little compromise.

8. Different intimacy needs

Problems with your sex life are stressful and can have a big impact on your relationship. If one of you isn’t happy or you’re finding you have widely different intimacy needs, it’s time for a serious talk.

Carve out time for intimacy. Arrange for someone else to take the kids once a week, or make the most of any time you have alone at home together.

Sex keeps you feeling physically and emotionally close, so make sure you are both happy with your sex life .

9. Lack of appreciation

It doesn’t come as a surprise to you that bad bosses compel good workers to quit ? Up to 75% quit their job not because of the position itself, but because of their boss who never expressed appreciation.

Being taken for granted is one of the fundamental reasons for breakups.

Appreciation is what keeps us motivated and committed, both in our work and our relationships.

Remembering to compliment or notice the things our partner shows, we are grateful and increases the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Saying thank you goes a long way.

10. Children

Having kids is a blessing, but it requires a lot of dedication and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship when partners disagree on the way they want to raise children, address problems that occur, and spend family time.

Solution:  

Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently and share your reasoning. Often, we are repeating or trying to avoid patterns we were raised by.

Get together and spend some time understanding where the need to do things a certain way is coming from. When you understand, you can change and create a new way to parent that works for your family.

11. Overinvolvement

When we find the person, we love we want to share everything with them and to have them do the same. However, this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality, feeling of freedom, and a sense of accomplishment.

What does it take for you to be your own person while being their partner? Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself that give you a feeling of achievement and freedom.

It might be a hobby or doing sports. Talk to your partner so they don’t feel rejected by this new change and introduce it gradually.

12. Infidelity

What each of us defines as infidelity and where we draw the line can differ. Infidelity means various things to different people. Infidelity can encompass, besides the sexual act, flirting, sexting or kissing.

When infidelity has occurred, trust is broken, and a person can feel betrayed. This can snowball into many other issues and problems.

Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. They may hurt you inadvertently because, for example, they don’t find flirting a problem.

When something has already occurred, there is a choice to be made. A couple can try to regain trust and rebuild or end the relationship . In case the first one is chosen, seeking professional help can be a wise decision.

Figuring out marriage challenges and solutions and learning how to work out relationship problems is much more productive with counseling .

13. Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values, the way partners approach life, and challenges, issues are bound to happen.

For example, it might be that they are more spontaneous or hedonistic, while you plan more and save rather than spend. Nonetheless, if your views and expectations from life differ considerably, you are bound to argue.

When there are core dissimilarities between you, you might wonder if you are suited for each other. The answer is – it depends. What kind of change would you both need to undertake for this relationship to survive?

Are you willing you make that change, and how much will it “cost” you? If you decide you can and want to change, by all means, give it a go. This is the only way you will know if the change is enough for this relationship to succeed.

14. Jealousy

You might be in a happy relationship for a long time before noticing the first signs of jealousy. They might act fine at first but slowly change.

They start asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, distancing or stifling you, and demonstrating concern about your affection towards them.

Often this behavior is a reflection of previous experiences that were triggered by something that happened in the current relationship.

Both partners need to make an effort. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, honest, and share. Give them time to get to know you and trust you.

However, for this to be solved, they need to make a separate effort to change their anticipations and work out their concerns. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and this line needs to be redrawn.

15. Unrealistic expectations

If you are human, you have unrealistic expectations ; no one is free of them. Nowadays, we might expect our partner to play many major roles: the best friend, trusted companion, business partner, lover, etc.

We might expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, advocate fairness at all times, or strive to change the other into what you desire them to be.

This can lead to misunderstandings, repeated quarrels, and misfortune.

If you want to solve a problem, you need to comprehend it first. Ask yourself – what is it that you feel entitled to? If you could wave a magic wand and change things, how would the new, pink reality look like?

What are you doing at the moment that you feel could get you there?

When you grasp what you are expecting to happen, but reality and your partner are depriving you of it, you can start to look for ways to ask differently or ask for different wishes.

16. Growing apart

So many things on the task list, and there is only one of you. How long ago did you stop including things to do with your partner on that list? Drifting apart happens bit by bit, and we don’t notice.

You might wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you had sex, a date, or a conversation that is more than organizational.

A relationship is like a flower, and it can not blossom without nourishment. When you notice the signs, it is time to act. It will take time to cross the distance that has been created, but it is possible.

Prioritize your time together, bring back old habits and activities you did together, laugh, and take time to reconnect.

17. Lack of support

When life hits us hard, we cope with it the best we know. However, often our coping skills are not enough, and we need support. Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed.

Long-lasting lack of support also affects the way we value the relationship we are in, and satisfaction drops significantly.

If you don’t ask, the answer is certainly “no.” Talking about what we need and what we can provide can clear the air of unrealistic expectations.

Unspoken and unfulfilled needs lead to negative beliefs about the relationship.

Understanding what our partner can provide helps adjust what we come to them for and look for alternative sources of support while our partner works on becoming one of the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

18. Addiction

Substance addiction can put a serious strain on a relationship.

Partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family budget, cause many arguments, increase trust issues, cause ignorance and neglect of children and other family members, and impair overall relationship happiness.

Couple problems can be worked out with couples therapy . Counseling can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues arising simultaneously.

Understanding what triggers prompt addiction and building new habits as a couple promotes healthier ways of addressing problems. Individual therapy is recommended as well for both partners.

It can help understand the roots and patterns leading to addiction, and provide support to the non-addicted partner.

19. Moving at different speeds

Do you find yourself in a current relationship uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is progressing?

You might find your new partner moving more rapidly, wanting to spend more time together, constantly calling or texting, wanting to go away together, or you meeting their family?

Alternatively, you could be in a relationship that is not progressing the way you hoped it would, and the milestones you desired are not being reached.

When you and your partner need different speeds and intensities of intimacy and commitment , you may argue.

This can lead to becoming terribly upset over seemingly little things, pulling away, and questioning whether this person is for you.

Don’t sweep things under the rug rather address what is happening. Avoiding problems is not the best relationship solution.

What kind of reassurance or demonstration of love would bring you back on the same level? How are your needs different, and what can each of you do to find the middle ground?

20. Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Money struggles, child neglect, fighting over chores, or playing the blame game can happen daily.

One of the most detrimental factors to the relationship is a significantly uneven distribution of responsibility amongst partners.

When addressing this issue, the first thing to do is to stop the blaming game. If change is to occur, you need to look forward, not backward. If the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

Overwhelming a partner to make up for all this time of dodging responsibilities will just prove they were right to steer clear of them.

Give forgiving a shot as it has been linked to relationship success . Also, agree on the pace of change and the first things to share accountability for.

21. Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior happens when one of the partners expects the other to behave in certain ways, even at the expense of the wellbeing of the other partner.

This kind of toxic behavior deprives the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and a sense of self-worth.

Controlling behavior is a learned pattern of behavior from primary family or previous relationships.

At one point in life, this was beneficial for the controlling partner, and they need to learn to express affection differently. Speak up, set boundaries and adhere to them, and, if possible, try couples counseling.

22. Boredom

All relationships undergo periods of fun and boredom. However, when the feeling of monotony and apathy color, most of the days, it is time to react.

Allowing to fall into a daily routine and go with the flow can lead to decreased libido and overall satisfaction with the relationship .

Think back to the honeymoon phase and recall the things you did as a newly formed couple. What is available from that list today, and what do you still feel you could enjoy?

Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship to start the upward spiral to a more eventful relationship.

23. Outside Influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions on how things should be done.

Some influences are benign, like grandparents’ occasional babysitting, while others can be detrimental, like disapproval of one spouse by the family or friends of the other.

Your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Show each other support and that you are a united front against the world.

To resist the influence, you can limit the amount of time spent with or personal information you share with the family members or friends trying to impact you.

Marital problems and solutions may appear quite similar on the outside, but no one knows better than you what you need to make it work.

24. Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, the way fights are led, and what is their outcome can have a big impact on the relationship.

Disagreement can be helpful or destructive, depending on what you do with them. Having the same fight over and over, losing your temper, or saying things you regret later is bound to make you feel it’s not worth it.

After an argument, you should feel you have made progress in understanding where your partner is coming from.

A good fight is one after which you have agreed on what can be the first step both will take to resolve the issue. Start by listening to hear the other side, not only by waiting for your turn.

Research together ways to fight better and only ever focus on the next step needed to take.

25. Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes each of you has made, you are keeping a virtual scoreboard of each other’s faults. If being right is more important than being with the other person, the relationship is doomed.

This leads up to a build-up of guilt, anger, and bitterness and doesn’t solve any problems.

Deal with each problem separately unless they are legitimately connected. Focus on the problem at hand and speak your mind. Don’t let it build up and mention it months later.

Decide if you want to save the relationship and if you do, learn to accept the past as is and start focusing on where to go from here.

26. Life gets in the way

In a relationship, it’s usually the priority to nurture and develop the connection. When life is a persistent inconvenience, it means one or both of you were not necessarily ready to get involved, and that can happen. 

Unexpected encounters with another person occur all the time. But when they do, it’s essential to allow it to flourish- placing it first over the chaos.

When the two of you notice you put the union on the back burner, it’s time to make a conscious effort with reprioritizing the other person regardless of your day-to-day situation to battle the new relationship struggles.

27. Trust is critical from the very beginning

Every relationship has problems, but when you first connect, you don’t want to go in with the idea that you can’t trust the other person. If this is baggage from a past relationship , that’s unfair and self-defeating for any new partnership. 

If your new partner made a promise and then lied to get out of it, that will create mistrust early on. That’s tough to get back. In an effort to do so, one piece of advice on relationship problems is that there needs to be much transparency and commitment in keeping your word moving forward.

28. You can readjust goals at a moment’s notice

Perhaps in the first few weeks of dating, your life goals appear to be similar, but a profound life circumstance changes your perspective on where you see yourself in the future or maybe your mate’s.

The change is not in keeping with what the two of you discussed. In this situation, you can find a way to get your partner to see things from your point of view, or the partnership won’t be possible.

These are the kinds of issues in relationships that are difficult to overcome. Often differences in life goals are deal-breakers.

29. A kind word here or there

New relationship problems can include a lack of manners in numerous ways. Pleasantries like telling someone they look nice or saying thank you, or expressing how much you appreciate something they’ve done wane after a few dates. 

It shouldn’t—unfortunately, comfortability and taking a partner for granted set in quickly. If you notice this early on, say something, but also make sure to lead by example. Be the first to tell your mate these things often.

30. Notice continued bad behaviors with a new relationship

You’ll know you have early relationship problems if your mate is continuously on their phone when you’re together. That’s incredibly rude behavior for anyone when they’re with other people for any reason, let alone being on a date or in the early stages of a partnership . 

The focus should be on time spent with each other since free time is precious with the world’s hectic pace. When this happens at the start of a partnership, it won’t get better with time. It needs to be addressed and stopped to strengthen your union ultimately.

Relationships are marathons

Most relationship problems and ways of fixing relationship problems would be something that you must have heard about or experienced; still, when it comes to utilizing this common knowledge, not everyone is thorough with the implementation.

It’s not difficult to answer “how to solve marriage problems,” and there is plenty of advice on relationship issues and solutions.

However, when it comes to solving marriage issues and relationship issues advice, everything boils down to effort and implementation.

These common problems in relationships are not completely avoidable, and every couple runs into some of them at one point.

The good news is, working on relationship problems can produce a considerable difference and get your relationship back on track, free from all relationship difficulties.

Be creative, don’t give up on each other, and you will reach the solution.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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15 Most Common Relationship Problems & Solutions

• Jan 04, 2022
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Updated 6/3/23

Intimate relationships that last seem rare these days. They survive only when people have the capacity to find shared ground, commit to one another, and overcome challenges. Relationship issues are common, but there are a number of tried-and-true methods for dealing with each relationship issue.

We’re looking at 15 of the most common relationship problems couples tend to have, discussing what you can do to solve them, and how relationship counseling online can help. With the proper mindset and knowledge, you and your partner can be on the way to a happy and healthy relationship and better mental health.

1. Communication 

If people in a relationship can master communication, you’ll be far less likely to experience other common relationship problems.

Effective, honest communication is essential to relationship success.

Couples Therapy Online

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Different people communicate differently. You may be quiet while your partner is talkative. Regardless of your communication styles, relationships need effective, regular communication to thrive as a unit.

“Most couples see me for help with communication. It is really challenging to stay connected, still feel aligned, and intimate while also walking away from a conversation feeling as though we worked through an issue. Setting up, typically two very different people, with this idea that they’re on the same team can be the switch that gets them to this place.” Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC  

Maybe you’ve stopped communicating the way you used to; it’s a common relationship problem for many couples. For some couples, every conversation has an edge of confrontation. Others might forget what communication is supposed to entail and how important it is to happiness. To improve communication and emotional connection in your romantic relationship, try focusing on the following:

• Work on identifying where your conversations are breaking down
• Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind
• Be open and honest about your feelings
• Practice being a good listener
• Think before you respond 

Communication is a two-way street that both people need to focus on together. If you want your romantic relationship to work in the long run, effective communication should be a priority. The good thing is, there are many useful communication exercises for couples to practice.

2. Arguments

Relevant debates are healthy and important for self-expression. However, spiteful arguments are hurtful and serve no good purpose. Successful couples have rules for arguing, such as:

• Breathing before responding
• Refraining from using profanity
• Resisting name-calling
• Staying on-point

If you have the urge to say something spiteful to your partner, ask yourself what you’re feeling first. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are your feelings hurt? Are you frustrated? What are you unhappy about?

Make a regular time to sit down and discuss developing issues before they build up and become problems or relationship challenges. Express yourselves peacefully, with forethought and a level of maintained respect, instead of simmering, boiling, and exploding on each other. Need help resolving this relationship issue? Couples therapy techniques might help you. If you are having trouble controlling your anger and frustration towards your partner, our guide on how to control anger in a relationship might also help.

3. Staying Close

With time, every long term relationship will change. Some of what used to seem most important might begin to not even phase you anymore. Additionally, as things in the relationship change, you and your romantic partner may also be changing in different ways, evolving as individuals.

This doesn’t mean that your long term relationship can’t continue working. It just means that you need to make the effort to spend some intentional time rediscovering one another.

It’s not realistic to expect that people will stay the same throughout their entire life. People age, grow, adapt, and are fundamentally changed in various ways by their life experiences.

It’s important to stay close as a couple, even when you’re changing as individuals. Talk with each other and honestly discuss how you each see the future evolving. Enjoy discovering how you’re both growing as human beings. Change in a healthy relationship can be exciting.

4. Sex & Intimacy 

Many relationship problems are sex-based. Ask yourself what you want sexually. Be honest and open with yourself. Encourage your partner to do the same. Then, get together and discuss what you both want.

Be mutually respectful of each other’s desires and needs. The chances are, you’ll both be pleasantly surprised and excited to make some changes in your sex life. Of course, some sexual problems will require professional help to get through. In some cases, you or your partner might have a fear of intimacy that’s impacting your sex life. Doing couples therapy with a sex therapist can be a huge asset to any relationship. Explore this option before losing hope.

5. Infidelity

If your partner cheated on you, you’ll have to decide for yourself if you can forgive them, or if you’ll need to move on without them in your life.

Most affairs don’t typically happen spontaneously. Infidelity can also come in the form of emotional cheating, too. If you want the relationship to survive post-affair, you’ll both need to be honest about what happened, and then work together to solve any underlying issues.

Cheating hurts, and it can take years to get over. While many relationships can endure after someone has an affair, it requires a firm commitment from both partners for them to learn how to get over infidelity .

The simple fact is life requires money, and couples argue about finances. Financial pressure is a common relationship problem that can lead to catastrophic relationship issues, and even mental health problems, when not addressed properly. Research shows that more than half of all couples enter a marriage already in debt.

It’s wise to have a clear understanding with your partner about who’s responsible for what in terms of money. A basic budget is simple to develop and can go a long way toward avoiding unnecessary arguments. For more tips, learn how to talk to your partner about money .

External pressures from traumatic life events can stress any relationship. The death of a loved one, financial strain, disease diagnosis, chronic stress, past abuse, domestic violence, or anything else that you or your partner has endured can affect emotional and physical health. Don’t shut your partner out. You’re a team. Be there for each other, even through the rough times. For more tips, learn how to deal with trauma individually.

8. Showing Gratitude

Everyone likes feeling appreciated for their efforts. Whether you have a fast-paced career, or you take care of the home, it’s important to feel valued for the things you do that make your partner’s life more enjoyable. Expressing appreciation regularly can ensure you’ll both feel more noticed in the relationship, even if it’s just for something simple.

9. Children

Parenting can be very difficult if you haven’t developed a cohesive plan and a firm commitment to stick to. This is especially true in the case of step-parenting. If you’re raising children from previous relationships together, definitive house rules are necessary. Talk with your partner in private about any parenting issues, and always present a unified front.

10. Keep Things Exciting

It can be hard to keep a relationship exciting, but relationships are work. You need to put in time and effort to keep the romance alive and stay engaged with your partner. If you feel like your relationship is in a rut, plan something different to help spice things up again. 

11. Battling Over Chores

Many people struggle over responsibilities at home. If you start to feel resentment about who’s doing what (or who isn’t doing what), keep the lines of communication open and be sure you’re sharing your frustration. 

Let your partner know you need help. Be specific with what you want. Then — and this is important — resist the urge to correct how they accomplish a task. The only thing you’re doing by reloading that dishwasher “your way” is telling them that they should just let you do it in the first place next time. 

Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. If you’re questioning whether or not you can trust your partner, calmly yet firmly ask them if there’s reason for concern. 

If your partner is the one who has trust issues, reassure them they have nothing to worry about. 

The good news is that you can overcome trust issues in a relationship .

Feeling safe in a relationship is important. Verbal, emotional, or physical abuse cannot be tolerated. Any form of abuse should be taken seriously and addressed immediately. If you need help and are in an abusive relationship cycle , you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at any time.

14. Change in Life Goals

Goals are important, and when two people in a relationship are aligned in terms of what they want out of life, it can be wonderful. Sometimes, however, goals change. If you and your partner can’t get on the same page with what you both want in the future, it can cause problems. Talking about your goals and being realistic about what each of you wants will be important throughout the duration of your relationship.

15. Same Fight, Different Day

It’s not uncommon for a couple to have the same fight over and over, but when disagreements start to escalate, or problems begin to manifest in other ways, it can be problematic for the relationship. Be sure that you’re addressing the root of the problem, so that you can attempt to change the behaviors and thought processes you both develop after so long. 

How Do You Fix Relationship Problems?

If your relationship seems substandard in any way, and you want to fix it, it’s simple to begin. It can also be a lot of fun, if you’re both dedicated to the process. 

“To start fixing issues in a relationship, the highest levels of success depend on each partner’s willingness to show up and take ownership of their contribution. Having an impartial lens of a professional helps to navigate this journey, but even individually-carving out space, having real conversations about issues, and always bringing creative solutions to the table can start the trajectory in a positive direction.” Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC  

Remembering to implement any or all of the following can be beneficial in any relationship:

• Say please and thank you
• Express dissatisfaction without using profanity or name-calling 
• Schedule regular date nights, even if they’re during the day or at home
• Be proactive about pleasing your partner sexually
• Spend time asking questions about each other’s wants and needs
• Take time outs from debates that seem to be turning into arguments

If you want to solve your relationship issues, remember what it was that first attracted you to your partner. Ask yourself where the relationship problem is stemming from, and then take action to improve the situation. Be honest with your partner and enjoy rediscovering the excitement of your love. Get connected with a couples therapist at Talkspace to start working on your relationship challenges.

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline. The Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/ . Published 2021. Accessed December 10, 2021.

Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors ; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

Meaghan Rice PsyD., LPC

Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC, is a Nationally Board Certified Counselor with over 10 years of experience. She's a military spouse and parent, and has found her niche helping people move through their most challenging moments and embrace their inherent strengths.

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Problem Solving Inside a Relationship

Solving problems in a relationship is fundamental to its success. Here are the basic steps to problem-solving and keeping your relationship on track.

Problem-solving has a time and a place. Problem-solving has an agenda.  Problem-solving is task-oriented ; it is not a power struggle. Problem-solving has two distinct phases: a problem definition phase and a problem solution phase.

When defining a problem:

• Be specific (refer to what both partners can observe)
• Express your feelings about the behavior which is the subject of the conflict

When solving problems:

• Brainstorm solutions
• Evaluate their costs and benefits to each partner and to the relationship
• Decide on the best solution
• Be willing to compromise; problem-solving involves give-and-take

Also, when defining and solving problems:

• Discuss only one problem at a time
• Paraphrase what you hear your partner saying and check the accuracy of your paraphrase

Remember, the attitude with which you approach problem-solving is very important. Problem-solving requires collaboration and problem-solving requires that each problem being discussed is seen as a mutual problem.

APA Reference Staff, H. (2021, December 24). Problem Solving Inside a Relationship, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/communicating/problem-solving-inside-a-relationship

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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The 9 Most Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

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Relationship Problems (Issues)

What is a relationship, relationship problem solving.

Every relationship can have problems, big and small. Although the human mind tends to think that something is wrong when faced with a problem, having problems in our relationships does not mean that the relationship is unhealthy. As long as the parties to the relationship approach the problems rationally and want to solve them together, the relationship will continue in a healthy way.

When we think of relationships, the first thing that comes to mind is romantic relationships. Problems with partners in romantic relationships are often more upsetting or disturbing than problems in other relationships. Of course, this varies from person to person. For some people, problems in family or friendships may take up more space in their lives.

Considering the differences between people, it would be appropriate to talk about friendship, family, and romantic relationships under the general heading of relationships and to talk specifically about them when appropriate.

Since not every relationship problem is a very bad sign and problems have their place in countless types of relationships, let's explore the definition of relationships and the types of relationship problems together.

A relationship can be defined as a dynamic of emotional, physical, social, and material exchange between two or more people. Relationships are dynamic in their constantly changing and interactive nature.

Many changes and developments in life, in addition to the effects they have on people, are of great concern and affect the dynamic structure that develops between people. When there are changes that we cannot control, relationships are also negatively affected in various ways.

There are many areas where relationship problems can arise:

• Communication Problems
• Being inflexible
• Not helping each other in the relationship
• Respect Problems
• Making Space Problem
• Sexuality and intimacy problems
• Lack of trust
• Personal problems
• Denying that problems exist

Communication Problems in Relationships

Communication is one of the first areas where problems in relationships manifest themselves. This is because what actually constitutes the relationship between two people is the communication they establish in the first place and the communication languages and forms they develop between them, which include many emotional and physical elements.

Communicating effectively includes many important elements, such as knowing each other and themselves, using words correctly and effectively, having empathy and tolerance, having the ability to approach criticism openly and without prejudice, and using body language well in addition to verbal language.

In this case, it is possible that individuals in the relationship dynamics may experience communication problems due to reasons such as not communicating effectively, waiting for the other party to understand instead of solving many things through effective communication, not being honest in their feelings and thoughts, not thinking before speaking, not being a good listener, etc.

Another reason for communication problems can be that instead of being constructive about the problems that are actually in the relationship, we can be destructive and accusatory by using very negative expressions.

When you have a problem, taking the following approaches will make it even more intractable and complicated instead of solving it:

• Saying "I am uncomfortable with you" instead of "I am uncomfortable with this situation or this behavior"
• Taking an attitude by directly cutting off communication instead of constructively sharing the problem and the feelings and thoughts that the problem arouses
• When there is a problem, blaming instead of considering that both parties contributed to the problem
• Saying "Come on, you're wrong, and you have to solve the problems," instead of cooperating and approaching it such as, "We're both wrong, and let's solve the problem together"

These wrong approaches can add to the problem. Verbal or non-verbal communication between two people with simple physical and emotional expressions can save or worsen the relationship.

Inflexibility in Relationship

In fact, an environment is needed for communication problems to manifest themselves. It is the fact that people stand in the face of the expectations and wishes of the other party and do not compromise their own expectations and wishes, perhaps even their rules and principles.

We don't always have to agree with each other and see life from the same perspective in romantic, friendship, and family relationships. However, it is important to be flexible in line with the value we place on the person we are in a relationship with in order to keep our relationship at a healthier point, but people are often focused on protecting their own interests. So, they are not flexible. Being flexible and cooperating where there is a conflict of interest can be ways of reducing the problems between the parties in the relationship.

Not Cooperating in a Relationship

Everyone in life has a lot to keep up with. Especially nowadays, people are too busy juggling home, work, and relationships to even have time for their hobbies. Failure to cooperate within the relationship we are in is becoming a threat to both the relationship and our individual lives. For example, in a marital relationship where both spouses work, they should help each other with household chores and lighten each other's burden.

As with communication and flexibility, it is important not to fall into a conflict of interest by sacrificing ourselves, and to be aware that the other person is also human and may not be able to keep up with some issues. Failure to take this into account will cause problems. After all, if we are not going to help each other in life, why are we social beings, and why are we so insistent on building a common life?

The Problem of Respect in Relationships

In general, we build our relationships around love. When we meet or start spending time together, love and liking are the main positive emotions that arise between two people. In fact, when we think about romantic relationships, you know that when it comes to an intense set of emotions like love, the positive emotions go through the roof, and we don't even consider any negative traits.

Does the fact that we love each other very much and are happy and excited to spend time with each other and be together require us to respect each other? It doesn't, but it can be a reason. People who know and love each other very closely may feel more comfortable interfering with each other's opinions, actions, or preferences. At some point, this behavior leads to a lack of respect for the other person's choices.

Respect does not mean not meeting on common ground and not taking each other's views when necessary. Respect and showing respect start with recognizing that the other person may have boundaries. However, when people are in a relationship, they may think that most boundaries disappear and they become one. It is important to recognize that this is not a healthy pattern and can cause problems in the relationship.

The Problem of Creating Private Spaces in Relationships

In fact, today, this problem goes hand in hand with the lack of respect. When we don't respect each other, we enter each other's boundaries and even private spaces.

We have to admit that when you have a romantic partner or your best and closest friend in the world, they don't become one person in different bodies. Every human being needs private space. They may need to spend time alone, to see people other than the person they are in a close relationship with, to do different activities, to not tell and share everything that happens, and to keep some things to themselves.

We can create a long list of what private spaces are; in fact, there is a different structure for everyone, but the common thing about all private spaces is that everyone needs them.

If you and the people you are in a relationship with do not give each other private spaces or if you interfere with the private spaces that the parties have created for themselves and you always feel that you have to do things together, you may have a problem with creating private spaces. This can have negative consequences in the future as a relationship problem.

Problems with Sexuality and Intimacy in Relationships

Sexuality in romantic relationships and intimacy in all relationships are important issues. You may have heard many rules written and drawn about sexuality in romantic relationships. Patterns such as you should have sex this many times a week, you should have orgasms, you should fantasize may be familiar to you.

Not all couples have to have sex the same number of times and for the same duration, nor do they have to have sex in a similar way. However, the most important issue here is the compatibility of the partners.

We can be talking about healthy sexuality at a point where your interests, expectations, and desires match, or even if they don't, where you communicate what you need and prioritize each other's satisfaction. Otherwise, sexuality in the relationship can also become a problem.

In romantic relationships, as well as all other types of relationships, it is important to establish intimacy and to reflect that you are in close contact with each other. The meaning of intimacy is different for everyone, and having a similar understanding of intimacy with those you are in a family or friendship relationship with, even if you do not necessarily like the same things, will make relationships healthier.

Lack of Trust in Relationships

Trust is one of the indispensable parameters in all relationships. When we start a relationship, in order to trust, we need to get to know the other person and, through the process of getting to know them, form certain assumptions about them. If trust is still a problem as the relationship progresses, there are two factors to consider:

• Do you have difficulty trusting people?
• Does the other person have difficulty building trust?

In fact, in both cases, there is a problem that concerns both parties. A person who does not trust you even though they do not trust you can also have a negative impact on the relationship, or if you do not provide the other party with the trust they deserve and keep them on their toes, this can also be a negative situation. Trust issues are serious matters that need to be resolved by reaching a compromise between the parties or by getting support.

Personal Problems in the Relationship

Relationship problems do not only occur within the relationship. Individuals may also have personal problems in their own lives. Because of the individual difficulties caused by personal problems, these problems can also cause problems in relationships. If there is a situation that seriously affects the relationship, it is important to get support from your friends, partner, or family, as well as expert support, in order to establish a healthy relationship.

The Problem of Denying a Problem in a Relationship

In fact, when all the problems listed in an item are evaluated in relation to each other, they can be divided into sub-items and varied. However, one of the biggest problems is not accepting and rejecting them despite all the problems. Without accepting that there is a problem, it will not be possible to work on it and try to fix it.

All of the problems mentioned above can be solved in certain ways. For example, if you are experiencing communication problems, you can improve yourself to communicate effectively and prefer to discuss the problems with the other party or get help from an expert. However, when you think that there is no problem, it will not be possible to create space for a solution or to look for a solution, and the problems that can be solved may affect your relationships more negatively and put them in a vicious cycle.

If the people living in the relationship do not notice this situation, perhaps their relatives will notice and warn them or draw their attention to this issue. We can say that listening to these warnings and taking action is the most beneficial way because even psychotherapy is a relationship that can be started with individuals who come voluntarily, while problems will continue to exist in two-way relationships without a desire and effort to solve them.

You can get psychological counseling from expert online therapists at Hiwell Online Psychological Counseling to build a judgment-free relationship that will bring you one step closer to solving your relationship problems!

• www.talkspace.com/blog/relationship-problems
• https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/solutions-for-8-common-relationship-issues/
• www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/signs-serious-relationship-problems
• psychology.org.au/for-the-public/psychology-topics/relationship-problems

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How to Solve Relationship Problems

Last Updated: July 14, 2024 Approved

Communicating

Finding solutions, healthy routines.

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS . Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 85% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 409,855 times.

Relationships may develop problems for a variety of reasons, but poor communication is often the reason why some people have a hard time solving these problems. If you are in a relationship that has hit a rough patch, then you may benefit from improving the communication between your partner and yourself. You can also learn how to deal with problems as they arise in order to move past arguments and toward solutions. After things have gotten better, there are things that you can do to ensure that your relationship continues to thrive and grow.

• For example, you could set aside 15 minutes per morning to sit and tell each other about your plans for the day. Or, you could give your partner a call on his or her lunch break to check in and see how your partner’s day is going.
• Scheduling time to talk about relationship problems can be useful as well. By setting a time limit for discussing your problem, you may reduce some of the tension in your relationship and get closer to a solution. For example, you could decide to discuss a specific problem from 7-8pm.
• Keep these conversations as light as possible and avoid discussing anything that might upset your partner during this time. The goal is to get a rapport going again. Of course, if your partner is having a bad day or is feeling stressed about something, listen and be supportive and encouraging.

• Make eye contact with your partner when he or she is talking. Do not look away, look at your phone, or anywhere else when your partner is talking to you. Give your partner your full attention.
• Nod your head and indicate your interest with neutral statements, such as “yes,” “I see,” and “go on.”
• Rephrase what your partner has just said to make sure that you have understood him or her.

• For example, instead of saying, “You never make the bed in the morning,” say, “I would really appreciate it if you could make the bed if you get up after I do.”

• For example, if your partner often loads the dishwasher after dinner and tidies up the kitchen, let him or her know that you value these activities. Say something like, “I just want to say thank you for keeping our kitchen so clean and nice. I appreciate that so much.”

• For example, instead of calling your partner a mean name or insulting him or her in some other way, identify what you want him or her to do.

• For example, you might say something like, “I am sorry for not calling you to tell you that I was going to be late. I will try to be more thoughtful in the future.”

• For example, you may feel that your partner is not helping out around the house as much as he or she should be, and your partner may feel like you are too demanding. Take some time to think about what is bothering you and have your partner do the same.

• For example, you might say, “I have been feeling overwhelmed by the housework and I could use some more help from you.” Your partner might say something like, “I have been feeling overwhelmed as well because of my work schedule and I feel like you don’t appreciate how hard I work.”

• For example, you might say something like, “Okay, I hear what you are saying. I did not realize that you felt that way.”
• Do not get defensive even if your partner responds to you with a defensive claim, such as “You are always nagging me and you never appreciate how hard I work.” Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and move on.

• For example, if your partner has been feeling unappreciated, then you can promise to acknowledge his or her efforts more often. You might also make it a rule that you will not ask you partner to do anything until he or she has had a chance to unwind a bit. Your partner might then promise you that he or she will be more consistent with certain household chores.

• For example, if you promised to take out the garbage every night after dinner, make sure that you do so. Otherwise, your partner may start to feel resentful and begin lapsing on his or her promises as well.

• You don’t need to go far to get away. Try visiting a nearby city for a couple of nights. Go out to a nice dinner, see a play, or visit some museums together.

• For example, you can hold your partner’s hand while watching a movie, give your partner a kiss before you leave for work, or hug your partner before you go to bed each night.

• For example, you might have a girl’s or guy’s night out once per week, take a class by yourself, or join a special interest group on your own.

• For example, you could take a gourmet cooking class together, join a local hiking club, or try to learn a new language together.

Expert Q&A

• Try to be patient. Solving relationship problems can be a long process, especially if the problems have been going on for a while. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Remember to be mature. Jumping to conclusions, screaming at one another, and trying to get revenge is not the way to go. This can lead to more issues in the relationship. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• You'll need to lower your pride, If you two are having an argument stay calm, Don't let your pride win. This can cause a hard and a worst problem. Try to court again your partner if one of he/she is getting cold in your relationship. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

• ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them
• ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201311/common-sense-approach-solving-relationship-problems
• ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them?page=3
• ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them?page=2
• ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-can-i-improve-intimacy-in-my-marriage/

About This Article

The best way to solve relationship problems is by improving communication. You can start by scheduling time for you and your loved one to just sit down and talk. For example, you could spend a few minutes in the morning to tell each other about your daily plans. When you think you're ready to move onto discussing the relationship, try to have your conversations in a public place to keep things civil. For more relationship advice from our reviewer, like how to maintain your relationship once things improve, keep reading. Did this summary help you? Yes No

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Problem-Solving Skills to Strengthen Relationships

by Terry Levy | Jan 18, 2022 | Adult Relationships , Couples Therapy , Family Therapy , Uncategorized | 0 comments

Every relationship has problems. They don’t have to define the relationship. Most problems have solutions. But it is each person’s approach to those problems in the relationship that influences whether the issues cause a major rift. When you, are able to define the problem clearly, face it head-on, take responsibility for your part and work with the other person in the relationship on finding realistic solutions, you are likely to come to a resolution.

Problem-solving is critical to every part of our lives, both personal and professional. Having good problem-solving abilities makes us feel competent and hopeful and strengthens our relationships.

The Path to Effective Problem-Solving

• Set the tone. Creating the right atmosphere is crucial to get off on the right foot. For personal problems, prepare and relax your mind and body; make sure it’s the best time and place. If this is a relationship problem, state positive intentions: “I appreciate your willingness to work this out with me.”
• Identify the problem. Recognizing a problem early in its development, before it becomes extreme and overwhelming, makes it more manageable. Your self-awareness skills — being in touch with your thoughts, feelings and behaviors — enable you to recognize the existence of a problem before things get out of hand.
• Situation: Who, what, where and when?
• Reactions: Thoughts, triggers, emotions, way of perceiving problems.
• How-to statement: Place “how to” in front of your desire or goal. For example, “How to get my child to respect me.” Remember: you cannot control the behavior of others. The question is, “How can I increase my positive impact on my child to increase respect?” If you are unable to solve your problem, maybe you are trying to solve the wrong problem. Perhaps you have not identified the real problem.
• Use brainstorming. Think up and write down many alternatives; don’t worry if they seem good, reasonable or far-fetched.
• Change your frame of reference. See the problem from someone else’s perspective. You may find a new solution by viewing the problem from a fresh vantage point. Ask yourself, “What would so-and-so do in this situation?”
• Adapt a solution from a similar problem. Remember and use your previous successful solutions. Effective past solutions can sometimes be applied to your present situation.
• Be acceptable to both parties,
• State specifically what each person will do and how and when it will occur, and
• Be balanced with each person contributing to the resolution.

Once new ways of thinking and responding have been successfully rehearsed, you will be more confident in real-life situations.

When verifying the results of your solution, ask yourself if you carried it out according to plan. Did it achieve the desired effect? Did it solve your problem? If yes, congratulate yourself. If no, either you did not carry out the solution effectively, or you have not identified the problem correctly.

This post is an excerpt from the book Healing Parents: Helping Wounded Children Learn to Trust and Love . You can purchase the book here .

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The best (and easiest) way to strengthen your relationship, according to science

Stop trying to fix your partner's problems – here's why listening matters more.

Photo credit: Getty

If your romantic partner is ranting about a problem they have, you’d logically feel compelled to help. Why wouldn’t you? You don’t want someone you love to be upset, so you try to resolve the issue, to remove the source of the upset by offering advice and suggestions for how to fix it.

However, if you do try to do this your partner may well be annoyed, frustrated – angry, even. It’s not exactly a logical reaction.

If you have experienced this, you’re not alone. The key term used so far is ‘logical’. But real human relationships have never been purely logical. They’re shaped by emotions, and emotional connection. Emotional processing is sort of a mental equivalent to digestion.

Much like how food enters our body and is gradually broken down into useful components by the digestive system when an emotional experience occurs within our brain , various neuropsychological systems gradually convert it into something that can be safely added to and integrated into our existing memories, psyche and understanding.

And like how disrupting proper food digestion causes unpleasant physical consequences, prevention of emotional processing is very bad for well-being, both mental and physical.

However, we humans are incredibly social creatures, and much of how we develop and learn is based on our interactions with other people and the social feedback they provide.

This has many consequences, one of which is that processing an emotion often means it needs to be communicated, shared and acknowledged and validated by others.

But while emotional validation can theoretically come from anyone, we prefer it from those we’re closest to. Evidence shows that a long-term romantic partner often ends up becoming very important to our emotional processing .

They become an emotional ‘modulator’; someone we depend on to accept and validate us, but also help define and refine our emotions through their responses and interactions with us. We usually don’t know we’re doing this with our partners, though.

Like most of our emotional development and processing, it happens subconsciously. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less important. What it does mean is that we regularly depend on our romantic partners to validate our emotions.

Particularly those we’ve had to suppress, even temporarily, due to experiencing them in situations or groups where expressing them would have negative consequences – the anger at being unfairly blamed for something in a workplace meeting with higher-ups present, for example.

This means we’re even keener to have our legitimate feelings validated, so we express them, enthusiastically, to our romantic partner. And then they ignore our emotions. And instead focus on their objective source. And proceed to make suggestions, and offer advice, about a situation that they weren’t involved with, and have no experience of.

What’s this, if not a rejection of emotional expression and communication, a denial of much-needed validation? On top of that, it can also be perceived as a loss of status. Because your partner’s effectively saying: “I will offer solutions that I don’t believe you will have thought of – ergo, I’m smarter than you”.

Loss of status, and rejection of emotional connection? Both guaranteed ways to cause stress and upset in the human brain, both experienced when your romantic partner ignores your emotions and tries to fix your problems.

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Let’s be clear: no one who genuinely wants to fix their partner’s problems is a bad person. It’s an understandable and reasonable behaviour. But it’s one that causes negative outcomes, due to unawareness of the emotional factors at work. And that’s not necessarily a failing. Nobody understands exactly what another person is feeling, and what they want, 100 per cent of the time. Not even long-term partners.

Heck, much of the time, we don’t really understand what we’re feeling ourselves, and what we want, until long after the event. But it’s important to put the effort into improving your understanding of these tricky emotional factors, for your partner’s well-being, and the well-being of your relationship

Ultimately, if you ignore or dismiss your partner’s negative emotions for long enough, unintentionally or otherwise, they’ll eventually be left with nothing but negative emotions. And then you’ll have an emotionally stressful problem to deal with all over again. So, keep your mouth closed and listen.

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Library Health & Wellness Relationships Communication & Emotional Intelligence Top Relationship Problems Articles - Communication, Counseling & More

Top Relationship Problems Articles – Communication, Counseling & More

Positive relationships can have big benefits for mental health. (1) People in healthy, committed relationships produce less of the stress hormone cortisol and are less likely to develop depression. (2) Relationship problems, on the other hand, can lead to a decline in mental health. Studies have found that single people have better health outcomes than those who are unhappily married. (3) This means that resolving relationship issues is an important part of managing mental health.

Relationships cover the connections a person has with everyone in their life, including romantic partners, friends, and family. Issues in any of these relationships can lead to stress, lowered self-esteem, anxiety, and social withdrawal. It can also intensify existing mental health concerns as support structures erode.

The importance of relationships on happiness means that relationship issues are well-studied and understood by people who work in mental health. Help is available to manage marriage, family, and friendship problems.

Common Marriage Problems 

Common family problems , ways to improve relationship problems .

• How to Cope
• How to Help Someone

In 2020 and 2021, the divorce rate was 14 divorces per 1,000 married women, the lowest level in 40 years.  (4)  Despite this statistic, people in romantic relationships still encounter issues. 

Although every relationship is different, research has found that certain problems come up regularly in unhappy marriages. One 2017 study listed “fading enthusiasm”, “long work hours”. and “lack of personal time and space” as the most-cited reasons for a relationship breakdown.  (5)  A separate study of people in couples therapy found that communication, emotional distance, and lack of physical affection were the most frequent problems.  (6)

In addition to scientific research, many counselors speak openly about the issues they most frequently encounter with couples counseling. These include:

• Communication:  Different communication styles and preferences can cause conflict in relationships. 
• Finances:  Being dishonest about money can cause relationship stress, especially when it relates to debt or how to split expenses.
• Infidelity:  Cheating is a violation of trust that can be difficult to recover from and is believed to be one of the leading causes of divorce.  (7)
• Time:  Not spending enough time together can lead to feelings of resentment. 
• Intimacy:  A lack of physical and emotional intimacy can cause distance between romantic partners. 

For many people, family members are among the most important relationships they have. However, a sizable minority have difficulties with family members. Around 27% of American adults have cut off contact with a family member, and most of these are upset about taking that action.  (8)  Family issues can have a big impact on children, and resolving the problems can help people grow into mentally healthy adults. 

Common family problems include:

• Parenting decisions : Couples often fight about how to raise their children, which can cause issues for the whole family unit.
• Balancing work and home life:  Children may feel distant from parents they rarely see and may resent a career that they think takes their parents away. 
• Responsibilities:  The chaos of multiple schedules, housework, and other responsibilities often causes friction in families.
• Distance:  It’s often difficult to be away from family, whether that’s a parent working away from home or a child away at college.
• Illness:  The injury, illness, or disability of a family member can cause stress as people learn to manage new circumstances.
• Separation or divorce:  Divorce completely disrupts the family structure, causing tension between the divorcing couple and everyone else in the family. 
• Blending families:  Children in a blended family can feel confused and apprehensive about a new parent and siblings.

Improving communication is one of the best ways to improve relationship problems. Talking openly and honestly about feelings can stop misunderstandings, build trust, and prevent arguments. This is true in marriages, friendships, and families. 

It’s also important to regularly maintain healthy relationships. It’s not enough to like posts on social media; spending quality time together is essential. This time should be interactive and intentional. This means making a plan to spend time doing something together. Although there’s intimacy in sitting quietly together watching a movie, it’s important to find activities where the focus is on each other. This could be walking the dog, trying a new restaurant, or exploring the farmer’s market to ensure the relationship is regularly strengthened. 

People struggling to make improvements on their own may wish to try therapy. Studies have found that couples therapy leads to higher levels of marital satisfaction and significant improvements in individual mental health.  (9)  Similarly, parents who participated in family counseling reported higher family cohesion and healthier parental practices.  (10)  Trained counselors can help people communicate truthfully about their relationship issues and find solutions that enhance closeness.  (11)

How to Cope With Relationship Problems 

A relationship that isn’t going right can be a source of stress and anguish. Learning to cope with relationship troubles can help individuals manage their own mental health while negotiating with another person. Here are some tips for coping with relationship problems. 

• Focus on self:  People who concentrate on self-improvement see more improvements in their relationship.  (12)
• Practice self-care:  Self-care can ease stress and help maintain a positive outlook.
• Set boundaries:  Boundaries help create trust and mutual respect.
• Operate in the present:  Don’t bring up past events or repeat arguments.
• Express gratitude:  Remembering the good things in life is another way to stay optimistic about the future.

How to Help Someone With Relationship Problems 

Whether it’s a mother helping her child through divorce or a husband showing support for his wife’s friendship troubles, helping someone with relationship problems is common. Listening patiently is key to providing assistance. Many people just need to talk about their problems to a third party. Other tips include:

• Avoid giving direct advice:  Someone who only knows one side of the story rarely provides helpful options.
• Don’t get in the middle:  Posting to social media or contacting the other person only escalates the issue.
• Share experiences:  It can help to know that others have had similar problems. 
• Offer useful resources:  Point them toward therapy, counseling, or other resources.
• Encourage communication:  Make sure the couple is continuing to talk to each other about problems. 
• Develop a plan to leave:  If the relationship is abusive, help them create a plan to safely leave the situation, and keep providing support after the relationship ends.
• Support boundaries:  It’s important to know that ending a toxic relationship and cutting someone off is a healthy choice.

Our Medical Affairs Team is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience who actively contribute to the development of our content, products, and services. They meticulously evaluate and review all medical content before publication to ensure it is medically accurate and aligned with current discussions and research developments in mental health. For more information, visit our Editorial Policy .

MentalHealth.com is a health technology company guiding people towards self-understanding and connection. The platform offers reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its mission involves educating, supporting, and empowering people in their pursuit of well-being.

The content on this page was originally from MentalHelp.net, a website we acquired and moved to MentalHealth.com in September 2024. This content has not yet been fully updated to meet our content standards and may be incomplete. We are committed to editing, enhancing, and medically reviewing all content by March 31, 2025. Please check back soon, and thank you for visiting MentalHealth.com. Learn more about our content standards here .

Kaia Koglin is a blog writer on the Editorial Team at MentalHealth.com, contributing articles about positive affirmations and self-esteem for women and children.

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Further Reading

• Effective Communication Strategies for Couples
• Mastering Active Listening in Relationships
• Building Emotional Resilience through Relationships
• When to Consider Marriage Counseling
• Maximizing the Benefits of Couples Therapy
• Improving Communication between Partners of Different Genders
• Overcoming Communication Barriers with Loved Ones
• Developing Assertive Communication Skills
• Recognizing Toxic Relationships and Their Health Impacts
• Managing Anxiety in Romantic Relationships
• Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Partner
• Understanding the Basics of Marital Therapy
• Exploring Group, Family, and Couples Therapy Options
• How Relationships Affect Depression
• The Importance of Social Support for Emotional Resilience

The 5 Basic Skills for Handling Relationship Problems

Like cooking, once you've mastered the basics, you’re good to go..

Posted June 16, 2022 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

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Like many things in life—cleaning your house, maintaining your car, even raising your kids—there are a few fundamental skills that, once mastered, make life easier. You’re not rattled so quickly, can mentally turn crises into problems, and develop a solid core of competence that increases your self-esteem and helps you feel confident.

Relationships are no different. Yes, there’s plenty of information out there, and if you get into the weeds, you’ll probably find about 300 things to worry about and have to do right. But you don’t need to worry about those 300. Here’s a shorter list: Five core skills that, like handling the house, car, and kids, can make your life a bit easier:

1. Control Your Anger

If you have that 0-to-60 temper, blow up at the drop of a hat, or even do that slow burn/fed-up, periodic but damaging explosion every once in a while, you need at some point to learn to rein it in. This isn’t about just relationships but about running your life. If you can’t, not only will you hurt your relationships and, with that, your life, but you can easily develop a me-against-the-world stance where the only problem is other people who make you angry—a lonely and anxious life.

If this is a struggle for you, tackle it—with therapy , medication , meditation , something.

2. See Control as Anxiety

Yes, some folks are controlling to be controlling. For them, it’s about power and manipulation and using others as objects to get what they want, but for most, control is tied to anxiety . You constantly feel micromanaged by your boss, but likely she’s a worrier who is always looking ahead at possible worst-case scenarios. The control can feel more suffocating when you are living with someone, or even worse if this has been going on for years.

Control as anxiety means that the other person gets anxious and their automatic response is to get you to do what they want you to do. If they can, and you do, they are less anxious. To help you feel less like the ten-year-old under the thumb of an obsessive parent, substitute the control you feel for their problem with anxiety.

Next, instead of snapping and saying, “Get off my back!” say, “Tell me what you’re worried about.” That’s the driver; that’s what puts the problem back in their court. But you need to practice saying this calmly: Think less about you feeling like a victim and more about the other person struggling.

3. Look for the Problem Under the Problem

You feel your partner drinks too much or is too rigid or lazy, driving you crazy. At this point, the problem is yours, not theirs. For them, what you consider a problem is likely a solution to another underlying problem: that drinking helps them deal with stress , that rigidity is about structure that reduces anxiety—or that laziness is in the eye of the beholder and is about different priorities or view of how to live your life.

Rather than complaining or trying to micromanage all the time, stop and ask about the problem under the problem: I’m feeling upset about _______; how do you think about it differently; help me understand better why you do what you. By doing this, you change the conversation, avoid slipping into a power struggle, and have an opportunity to find better ways of either seeing the issue differently or together solving the problem in a better way.

4. Find the Moral of the Story

You have a big argument on Saturday night. You both got out of control. Part 1 is learning to control that anger , but part 2 is circling back. Don’t just make up and sweep the argument under the rug. Instead, figure out the moral of the argument. Usually, this means solving the problem that caused the argument and then figuring out why it got so out of control.

This is about learning what pushes each of your buttons. Like cleaning the house, fixing the car, or raising the kids, learning how to run your relationship is a process of trial and error. It’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s not okay not to learn the lessons the mistakes are teaching you.

5. Work Toward Win-Win Compromises

If you want to have control, if you want to be right, live alone. But if you live with someone, you need to learn to make compromises. Compromise is associated with caving in. Win-win compromises are about each being clear about what is important–#1, not a list of 30—getting it on the table, and then negotiating an agreement that considers each other's needs so that neither feels like a victim or martyr.

This is hard to do on your feet—it's better to think about it and then come together and discuss it. If the process gets emotional or stuck, back off, regroup, and try again. If still stuck, get help—a session of mediation, counseling, or therapy.

The theme here is stepping back, not getting in the weeds of the problem of the week, but instead looking at bigger patterns and ways of having sane, problem-solving conversations. Life skills, like cooking, the car, or the kids, get better with practice. But once you've got them, you’ve got them.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .

Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.

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What Does the Bible Say About Relationship Problems and How to Resolve Them with Love

Have you ever found yourself struggling in a relationship, wondering if things will ever get better? You’re not alone. Many people face challenges in their connections with others, whether it’s with a partner, family member, or friend. When tensions rise and misunderstandings occur, it can be tough to find guidance.

The Bible offers timeless wisdom that can help you navigate these rough patches. By exploring its teachings, you can discover valuable insights on forgiveness, communication, and love. This article will highlight key biblical principles that address relationship problems, giving you practical tools to strengthen your connections and find peace. Let’s explore how these ancient texts can still resonate in your life today.

Key Takeaways

• Identify Common Issues: Recognize typical relationship problems like communication breakdowns, trust issues, and differing values to take the first step toward resolution.
• Embrace Forgiveness: Following biblical principles, practice forgiveness as a vital aspect of healing and maintaining healthy relationships (Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32).
• Promote Clear Communication: Utilize gentle and respectful language to enhance understanding and reduce misunderstandings (Proverbs 15:1, James 1:19).
• Prioritize Love and Peace: Emphasize love as the foundation of relationships, embodying patience and kindness (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) while striving for peace in interactions (Romans 12:18).
• Reflect on Values: Address and discuss differing beliefs openly, aiming to find common ground to foster unity and mutual respect.
• Pray for Guidance: Engage in prayer for clarity, strength, and wisdom to navigate challenges effectively and deepen connections with a partner or loved ones.

Understanding Relationship Problems

Relationships often face challenges that can create tension and disconnect. Recognizing these problems is the first step toward resolving them and enhancing your connections with others.

Common Issues in Relationships

• Communication Breakdowns : Misunderstandings lead to frustration. Clear, open conversations can strengthen your bond.
• Trust Issues : Betrayals or doubts erode trust. Building transparency through honesty can help restore it.
• Different Values : Conflicting beliefs spark disagreements. Finding common ground through compromise is essential.
• Unresolved Conflict : Past arguments can fester. Addressing issues head-on prevents resentment from building.
• Financial Stress : Disagreements about money often cause strain. Establishing a budget together can create harmony.

Biblical Perspective on Conflict

The Bible provides guidance on resolving conflicts effectively:

• Forgiveness (Colossians 3:13) : “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Embracing forgiveness helps release grudges and promotes healing.
• Communication (Proverbs 15:1) : “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Responding kindly can defuse tension in heated moments.
• Seeking Peace (Matthew 5:9) : “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Strive to be a mediator in conflicts by promoting understanding and patience.
• Love (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) : Love is patient and kind. Prioritizing love fosters resilience in challenging times.

By applying these biblical principles, you can navigate relationship problems with compassion and clarity.

Key Verses Addressing Relationship Problems

The Bible offers profound insights into handling relationship challenges. By reflecting on specific verses, you can find guidance on love, forgiveness, and effective communication.

Love and Forgiveness

• 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” This verse highlights the essential qualities of love needed to overcome relationship problems.
• Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Practice forgiveness as a crucial step toward healing and reconciliation in relationships.
• Colossians 3:13 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.” This reminder emphasizes the importance of mutual support and understanding in any relationship.
• James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Effective communication begins with active listening, helping to reduce misunderstandings.
• Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Approach difficult conversations with a calm demeanor, promoting a more constructive dialogue.
• Philippians 2:4 – “Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Prioritize the feelings and thoughts of others to foster deeper understanding and connection.

Implementing these principles can create a foundation of love and understanding in your relationships.

Examples from Scripture

The Bible offers many examples and lessons regarding relationship problems. You can find stories and principles that demonstrate effective conflict resolution and provide guidance on navigating relational challenges.

Stories of Conflict Resolution

• Abraham and Lot : When their herdsmen quarreled, Abraham and Lot chose to part ways amicably. Abraham gave Lot the first choice of land, prioritizing peace over personal gain. This story teaches the importance of humility and compromise.
• Joseph and His Brothers : Joseph faced betrayal from his brothers. Despite their actions, he later forgave them, emphasizing forgiveness and reconciliation, which can restore broken relationships.
• The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) : This parable illustrates forgiveness and unconditional love. The father welcomes back his wayward son without hesitation, showcasing the importance of acceptance and the opportunity for new beginnings.
• Moses : He often mediated conflicts among the Israelites. His patience and willingness to listen offer a model for resolving disputes through understanding and dialogue.
• Ruth : Her loyalty to Naomi exemplifies commitment in relationships. Ruth’s story underlines the value of support and respect within family bonds, even during tough times.
• David and Saul : David displayed respect toward Saul, even when Saul sought to harm him. This illustrates the power of grace and self-restraint during interpersonal conflicts.

These biblical examples provide both inspiration and practical lessons for navigating relationship problems. By reflecting on these narratives, you gain insights that can help strengthen your connections with others.

Practical Applications

Applying biblical principles helps resolve relationship problems effectively. These timeless insights guide you toward healing and reconnection.

Applying Biblical Principles Today

• Practice Forgiveness : Forgiveness is essential. Think of offenses as opportunities for growth. Embrace forgiveness as described in Ephesians 4:32, which emphasizes kindness and compassion.
• Communicate Clearly : Effective communication is vital. Use calm, respectful language as suggested in Proverbs 15:1. Strive to listen actively before responding.
• Seek Peace : Prioritize peace in your interactions. Romans 12:18 encourages you to live at peace with everyone. A gentle approach can diffuse tension and promote understanding.
• Demonstrate Love : Love serves as the foundation. Reflect on 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and embody patience, kindness, and trust. Let love guide your actions and reactions.
• Reflect on Values : Identify and address differing values. Discuss your beliefs openly. Aligning on core values fosters unity and reduces conflict.
• Pray for Clarity : Start with prayer when facing relationship challenges. Surrender your worries to God. Ask for wisdom to understand the situation better.
• Pray for Strength : Seek strength to forgive and let go of resentment. Philippians 4:13 reminds you that strength comes through faith.
• Pray Together : For couples, praying together can unify intentions and deepen connections. Share your thoughts with God as a couple, focusing on shared challenges.
• Listen in Prayer : Prayer isn’t just speaking; it’s also listening. Spend quiet time to hear God’s guidance. Reflect on the insights you receive during this time.
• Find Community : Engage with a faith-based community. Group prayers can lift burdens and provide support. Surrounding yourself with uplifting individuals encourages healing.

Implementing these practical applications can lead to transformative changes in your relationships, ensuring you navigate challenges with biblical wisdom and love.

Navigating relationship problems can feel overwhelming but remember you’re not alone. The Bible offers a treasure trove of wisdom that can guide you through the toughest times. By embracing principles like love forgiveness and clear communication you can foster deeper connections and healing.

As you face challenges consider turning to Scripture for encouragement and direction. Whether it’s through prayer or engaging with your faith community these practices can bring clarity and strength to your relationships. Keep in mind that every step you take towards understanding and compassion can lead to a more fulfilling connection with those you care about. So lean on these timeless teachings and watch your relationships transform.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are common struggles people face in relationships.

Many people encounter issues like communication breakdowns, trust problems, differing values, unresolved conflicts, and financial stress. Recognizing these challenges is critical for finding a resolution and strengthening the relationship.

How can the Bible help with relationship issues?

The Bible offers timeless wisdom on key themes like forgiveness, love, and communication. By applying its principles, individuals can find practical tools and guidance to address relational challenges and foster stronger connections.

What are key biblical principles for resolving conflicts?

Key principles include practicing forgiveness, using gentle communication, seeking peace, and prioritizing love. These teachings can help individuals navigate conflicts with compassion, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Can you provide examples of biblical guidance for relationships?

Examples include the amicable separation of Abraham and Lot, Joseph’s forgiveness of his brothers, and the Prodigal Son’s unconditional love. These narratives demonstrate virtues like humility, reconciliation, and acceptance in relationships.

How can I improve communication in my relationships?

Effective communication can be enhanced by actively listening and engaging in calm dialogue, as emphasized in James 1:19 and Proverbs 15:1. Practicing these skills can lead to better understanding and connection.

What should I do when facing trust issues?

Addressing trust issues requires open communication, honesty, and patience. It’s essential to be transparent and willing to work through concerns together, along with showing commitment to rebuilding trust.

How important is forgiveness in relationships?

Forgiveness is crucial for healing and reconciliation. It allows individuals to let go of past mistakes and rebuild connections, fostering a more loving and understanding environment within the relationship.

What role does prayer play in improving relationships?

Prayer can provide clarity, strength, and unity in relationships. Seeking divine guidance helps individuals reflect on their actions and intentions, leading to healthier interactions and outcomes.

How can I engage with a faith-based community for support?

Joining a faith-based community offers a support system for individuals facing relationship struggles. Engaging in group activities, discussions, and prayer can provide encouragement, wisdom, and practical insights.

What are some practical applications to strengthen relationships?

Practicing forgiveness, clear communication, seeking peace, demonstrating love, and engaging in prayer are effective strategies. Applying these principles consistently can transform relationships and enhance emotional connections.

Hi there! I'm Tiffany Christensen, and I have a passion for all the stories and lessons the Bible has to offer. Ever since I was little, I've been drawn to the way these ancient texts still resonate today. I've devoted my studies to Christian theology and enjoy translating that into everyday language that’s easy to connect with. My goal is to bring the pages of the Bible to life in a way that's both informative and engaging. I'm thrilled to share this journey with you through my writing on Biblical Pathway.

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Marc and Angel Hack Life

Practical Tips for Productive Living

9 Daily Behaviors that Create 90 Percent of Our Relationship Problems

Written by Marc Chernoff // 19 Comments

Our behavior is a small thing that makes a big difference in our relationships.

This morning I saw a middle-aged woman ferociously slam the car door in her husband’s face and storm off into a department store.  Then an hour later I couldn’t help but notice two 20-something friends sitting next to me at a local coffee shop, the man staring down at his smart phone the entire time his friend shared with him her concerns about certain family matters.  And just now I came across someone’s rant on social media about their significant other that concluded with, “ALL MEN are exactly the same!”

Most of us have likely done something similar in our relationships at some point, because relationships aren’t easy, and sometimes we make missteps.  In fact, let’s be honest, we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another.  None of us are immune to occasional mood swings.  But that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other.

With practice, we can do better.

Over the years, through our coaching practice, courses, and live events, Angel and I have worked with hundreds of individuals and couples looking to fix their difficult relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make this happen.  One of the most significant realizations is the fact that most failing and failed relationships (both intimate and platonic) suffer from the same basic behavioral issues.  I’m sharing them with you today in hopes that doing so will help you catch yourself in the act, so you can course-correct when necessary.

Believe it or not, roughly 90% of the relationship problems we’ve witnessed over the years suffered from one or more of the following behaviors on a daily basis:

1.  Using complaints and disagreements as opportunities to condemn each other.

Complaints are OK.  Disagreements are OK too.  These are natural, honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior.  But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble.  For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they were busy and forgot, but because they are a horrible, wretched, evil person.”

Remember, there’s a big difference between who someone is and what they sometimes do.

2.  Using hateful gestures as a substitute for honest communication.

Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc.  In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate.  And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them.

Also, keep in mind that if someone you love makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words.  In other words, let bygones be bygones.  Don’t use their past wrongdoings to justify your present righteousness.  When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them (“I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past.”), it’s a lose-lose situation.

Replace your negative thoughts with positive communication!  Because the truth is, if you’re throwing hateful gestures at a person instead of communicating with them, there’s a good chance they don’t even know why you’re being so mean.

When communication between two people isn’t open and honest, there’s a lot of important stuff that never gets said.

3.  Denying responsibility for your role in a relationship.

When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person.  You’re saying, in effect, “The problem here is never me, and it’s always you.”  This denial of accountability just escalates every argument, because there’s a complete and utter breakdown of communication.

The key thing to understand is that you have a choice.  Either you’re choosing to be in a relationship with another person, or you aren’t.  If you’re choosing to be in, then you are responsible for it.  Denying this means you’re giving up all your power to the other person – you’re their victim, regardless of circumstances (positive or negative), because you’ve given them 100% of the responsibility for the relationship you have with them.

So remember, even when the behavior driving a relationship dispute belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create more healthy space for yourself , is to first own the fact that you are 50% responsible the relationship at all times.  Once you do, you have the power to make progress one way or the other.

4.  The silent treatment.

Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc.  All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them.

When you’re ignoring someone, you’re really teaching them to live without you.  If that’s what you want, be clear about it.  And if not, drop it!

5.  Using emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do.  The key condition here is that they change they’re behavior, against their will, as a result of the emotional blackmail.  In other words, absent the emotional blackmail they would live differently, but they fear the penalty – or punishment – and so they give in.  This is an extremely unhealthy relationship behavior.

The solution, again, relies heavily on better communication.  There should NOT be a penalty, just an honest conversation.  If two people care about each other and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they absolutely need to be “allowed” to openly communicate ALL of their feelings to each other – their true feelings – not just the agreeable and positive ones.  If this is not “allowed” or supported by one or both people involved in the relationship – if one or both people fear punishment for their honesty – lies and deceit will gradually replace love and trust, which ultimately leads to a complete emotional disconnection.  (Read “Emotional Blackmail” .)

6.  Withholding the truth.

Trust is the bedrock of a healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes a long time and commitment on the part of both parties involved to repair it and heal.  The key thing to remember here is that secrets can be just as deceitful as openly telling a lie.

All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him but I didn’t lie about it, either.”  This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies.  If you’re covering up your tracks or withholding the truth in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and trust in the relationship completely breaks down.  So speak the truth, always.

Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about.

7.  Putting each other on the back burner.

Failing to carve out quality time for your important relationships is one of the most unhealthy relationship mistakes of them all, and yet it often flies under the radar… at least for a while… until everything begins to fall apart.

The truth is relationships are like every other living entity in the sense that they require nurturing in order to survive and thrive.  It’s easy to allow the rush of our busy lives to take over, especially when we have young children, work, hobbies, friends, and a body that demands nourishing food and regular exercise.  But your relationship with someone is a body as well, and if it’s not nourished with quality time every week, it will start to wither.

Dedicate ample time every week to focus exclusively on those you care about.  Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention – your full presence.  Being with someone, listening without a ticking clock and without anticipation of the next scheduled event is the ultimate compliment.

8.  Needing or expecting a relationship to always be easy.

When your marriage, friendship, parenting, etc. gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong.  These intimate, intricate relationships are toughest when you’re doing them right – when you’re dedicating time, having the tough conversations, and making daily sacrifices.

Healthy, long-tern relationships are amazing, but rarely easy 24/7.  Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong or that you’re with the wrong person only exacerbates the difficulties.  By contrast, finding the patience and mindfulness to view the challenges as an opportunity to work together will give your relationship the energy and strength needed to transcend the problems and grow even stronger in the long run.

9.  Expecting a relationship to solve your personal problems.

It’s easy to believe that it’s your partner’s or best friend’s job to make you feel happy and whole.  But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can bring tremendous delight to your life, it’s not their responsibility to fill in your empty voids.  That’s your responsibility and yours alone, and until you accept this responsibility (for your unhappiness, frustration, boredom, etc.), problems will inevitably continue in your relationship.

Another way of looking at this is to realize that healthy relationships contain two people who practice self-care as individuals.  When two people meet, the biggest prize always goes to the one with the most self-acceptance.  He or she will be calmer, more confident, and more at ease with the other person.  Truth be told, what you see in the mirror is often what you see in your relationships.  Your petty disappointments in your partner and friends often reflect your petty disappointments in yourself.  Your acceptance of your partner or friends often reflects your acceptance of yourself.  Thus, the first step to having a truly healthy, long-term relationship with someone else is to have a healthy relationship with yourself .

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to practice. If you can relate to any of these daily behaviors, remember you are not alone.  We all have unhealthy moods and personalities buried deep within us that have the potential to sneak up on us and those closest to us.  As mentioned above, the key is awareness – practice recognizing these behaviors and then course-correcting when necessary.

And before you go we would love to hear from YOU.

Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most right now?

Please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Patrick Hardy says

September 21, 2024 at 6:15 am

M&A, your emails and blog posts have been nothing short of amazing lately! This one is such valuable reference for anyone in a relationship of any kind. There’s actually a married couple I’ve known for well over a decade that’s in the process of divorcing because their relationship fits several of these of these behaviors to a T. It’s so sad, and yet I saw it coming.

I’ve been married for 28 years, and it’s because my wife and I work on it, and compromise, and communicate daily. It’s worth the effort–it really is! I think this blog post could be a terrific exercise to sit down with my wife and say, “Let’s talk about these behaviors. Let’s be aware of them.”

Thank you guys!

September 21, 2024 at 6:27 am

Such a perfect summary if important reminders for me, Angel and Marc. After attending your event in Orlando a couple years ago, and using the self-inquiry tools you taught me, I gradually got a hold of my tendency of condemning my husband’s character. I was absolutely holding every one of his flawed character traits against him, and defining his entire character in my eyes by these traits that frustrated me. And everything I loved about him was just ignored. But not anymore. It’s taken me awhile to shift my thinking, but doing so has improved our relationship tremendously. I’ve learned to think and communicate more compassionately, and have healthier conversations that actually ease tension instead of creating more of it.

September 21, 2024 at 7:07 am

Excellent essay, as always. This one has really got me thinking again about how many of those behaviors happened in my marriage, and how I also want to make sure I don’t carry them into my current relationship. I now realize it wasn’t just one of us who was toxic–it certainly wasn’t just him. We both contributed to the mess and ultimately allowed all the petty toxicity to take the place of love and listening. And it all lead to a divorce that I never wanted. It takes two to be in a relationship–good or bad. None of us are perfect. I’ve sure learned that I need to be aware of the toxic stuff I’m giving as well as the toxic stuff I’m getting. Stopping such behaviors before they begin is hard, but important.

I don’t always comment on your posts, guys, but I do read them all and I own your 1000 Little Things book, and I’ve given it to friends and family as gifts. What you write is always such a blessing! Thank you, and I hope to see you at one of your live event sometime in the future.

September 21, 2024 at 7:33 am

Thank you so much for this. I sometimes get so carried away in an argument, just because my partner did something I did not like or that hurt me. even when they try to apologize I just keep attacking and then give the silent treatment. I am hoping that keeping these points in mind will help me. I do not want to lose the love of my life.

John Jurkiewicz says

September 21, 2024 at 7:56 am

In my line of work, I work with other people helping them identify and build their careers. I have been doing this for 18 years and I have found that when a personal relationship is toxic it clouds all of the other aspects of ones life including their career. I get a very uneasy sense when working with someone if their energy is strained or blocked. Until they find some peace in their relationship everything else remains out of balance. Thanks for this piece. I’ve shared it with my community

September 21, 2024 at 8:08 am

This couldnt have come at a better time. Thank you! My dysfunctional reaction to conflict has nearly cost me one of the most important relationships in my life. I can now see my part and choose to do something different. I appreciate your work and your generosity in offering this info through your emails and blogs.

September 21, 2024 at 8:23 am

I recently discovered I was hurting someone’s feelings when I made what I thought was just playful little jabs at them. I honestly was just joking around, and didn’t realize they took the tease seriously. I am trying to replace this behavior with building the other person up when I can.

Now that I’m aware I was hurting someone I have stopped this practice with everyone as I didn’t want to be hurting anyone’s feelings. When you’ve done this for a long period of time it really is hard to change the behavior. The odd response I’ve received from some has been, “Aren’t you going to tease me about……?”

September 21, 2024 at 9:39 am

My deceased husband did this, but unfortunately never stopped even days before his death. Years of little hurts here and there and his comment was always…”you’re just too sensitive”

September 21, 2024 at 8:40 am

The timing of this article could not be better! I was just looking for a couples coach in my area when this email showed up in my inbox. My partner and I have been struggling for quite some time….3 years. Your articles on How to love someone who is grieving and How to love someone who is depressed helped me immensely. I am barely hanging on right now. We have zero communication and although he has agreed to counseling in the past, I think when it comes right down to it, he is going to resist. He has been through a lot and it has changed him so much and it has damaged our relationship. I feel like I am always giving and compromising and supporting him through his challenges, yet never getting anything in return. I feel very unloved, unappreciated and unwanted.

Petronella Mwape says

September 21, 2024 at 9:42 am

You are right I felt like that also. My husband was just like your husband, and not until I asked him for divorce did he start showing love. But it’s been difficult for me to tune my mind backwards for I already told myself this is it–the end of the road. Nevertheless this article has helped me.

September 21, 2024 at 9:47 am

Petronella, I told him last August that I was leaving. I found a nice townhouse, gave notice to our landlord and told him he needed to find somewhere to go because Our relationship was affecting my mental health. A week later, he promised he would be better, he would be more positive and he agreed go to counselling. We moved in October – to MY townhouse……the lease and all bills are in MY name. He has made minimal changes and has found every excuse to avoid counselling. I’m torn because on one hand I can’t imagine my life without him and yet I also can’t imagine living the rest of my life like THIS. Sad.

Jacqueline says

September 21, 2024 at 8:59 am

Thank you for some excellent relationship advice. I used to call my marriage “dysfunctional” but have stopped saying that word it’s so negative and brings things down even further. I am separated from my husband now and we both did a lot of things wrong. Trust and respect go a long way but sadly that was never built into our marriage. I think one reason was fear and not being true to myself. It has taken years for me to stand up for what i believe in and be true to myself. Sometimes when we are crushed inside, we have no voice and when asked “what do i want”…questions like that floored me. But thankfully i started to respect myself first and i think that is the beginning to any healthy future relationship.

September 21, 2024 at 9:16 am

Good reminders for sure, but you are forgetting another behavior; letting outside influences interfere, whether that be your occupation, your friends, or your in-laws.

I think Sam who commented above also has a good point. Relationships are difficult enough without having a bunch of other people involved. While they might mean well, it usually only leads to misunderstandings. I personally feel that couples also need time alone together to truly connect and be able to reveal their true selves. I’m the guilty party here for not making time for the other person and I realize now how much that probably hurt, so I know I have to try harder.

It’s also important to note here that a lot of the times, our doubts are unfounded. The complaints aren’t always about them! The key here is direct communication and real connection, not just on paper. Give it a fighting chance! And sometimes compromise and meeting each other halfway also helps!

No guilt, no blackmail, no ultimatums, just a simple request for connection…

Surender Kumar t says

September 21, 2024 at 10:56 am

Point number 6.. withholding of truth. Truth is trust and basis for all true and permanent relationship. The moment one of two or more turns out a lier, the trust goes with relationship. A man is supposed to know the consequences of his act. Must always remember.

Capt. Dave says

September 21, 2024 at 1:13 pm

Be the Change you want to see in the World….Mandela

Sandi A. says

September 21, 2024 at 11:09 pm

What struck me the most was your point about the silent treatment, how it teaches the other party to live without you. I’ve been “practicing” this awful habit for many years, and so this is a wake-up call for me!

September 22, 2024 at 12:04 am

Avoiding responsibility doesn’t make you strong, it makes you weak. Thanks for this beautiful piece.

Sagarika says

September 23, 2024 at 2:59 am

It’s a great thought that Marc & Angel say it’s not the responsibility of our loved ones to make ourselves happy rather it’s our responsibility and duty to make ourselves happy. I love all the articles of Marc & Angel. Thank you for your great work that helps us to think life in different & positive way.

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